


Inviting The Dawn to Break

by paperstorm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-14 19:19:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 68,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jensen first realized he was gay, he had some silly, fairy-tale notion of meeting an amazing guy and falling in love, but then he discovered how much fun sex is and that’s always been his endgame since. When he looks at Jared, he feels like he’s eighteen again; starry-eyed and hopeful and dreaming of creating a life with somebody. It should be frightening him down to his core, because all those things go completely against the way he’s lived his life for the past seven years. But then he remembers Jared’s smile, or the way he smells, or how big he is and how good Jensen imagines he’d feel pressed up against him, and then he doesn’t care about anything else anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you were ever a victim of sexual abuse, this fic could be triggery. It’s told in dialogue as a memory so it isn’t described explicitly, but ye be warned.

_Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. – Bob Marley_

Jensen cuts himself shaving. He stumbles a little over the bathmat, like he does almost every morning because mornings are assholes and he’s a zombie before he gets some caffeine in him. And he accidentally puts his boxers on backwards, and doesn’t realize until he tries to pull his jeans on and there’s too much material bunching up around his crotch. Those are the only signs that today is going to be the day that changes everything. And since they’re not exactly glaring in neon, Jensen doesn’t notice a thing.

There’s a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him on the counter in the kitchen, fixed just the way he likes it because Christian is the best roommate in the history of roommates. Of course, he did sort of save Jensen’s life and all; give him a place to stay, give him a job, be a friend to him when no one else would – but really, it’s the coffee. That’s what clinches it. Jensen wraps his hands around the scalding hot mug, inhaling the delectable smell and then taking a small sip. His eyes flutter closed and he sighs happily as it slips down his throat and spreads warmth out to his extremities. That first sip is what Jensen lives for. The first sip of coffee in the morning is better than sex. Which, depending on how you look at it, either says horrible things about Jensen’s sex-life or really fabulous things about Chris’s coffee.

“Dude, if you’re gonna blow your load in my kitchen, at least move closer to the sink,” a smirky voice comments, and Jensen turns around and smiles at his scruffy, messy-haired roommate. He’s already washed and dressed and ready to go, like he always is, because he’s one of those annoying people who can actually function in the morning – even after a late night like last night was.

“Stop making the freakin’ java so good then,” he returns.

“If I stopped making good coffee you’d probably leave.”

Jensen laughs. “Very true.”

“You make me feel so special,” Christian jokes, clutching at his heart. “At least our best-friend bracelets have _some_ meaning. Now hurry up, we’re gonna be late.”

“One,” Jensen starts, holding up a finger to emphasize his point, “you’re the one who decides when we’re late because you own the damn place. And two, we live like ten steps away from the garage so just unbunch your panties and let me enjoy this cup of liquid fellatio.”

“Okay, gross.”

“You’d prefer cunnilingus?”

“I’d prefer you never call it that again. Like, ever. And also, it’s twenty seven steps including the stairs, I counted once, and we’ve got like fifteen cars on the lineup today so move your ass, Ackles!”

Jensen grumbles about it but he does as he’s told, because technically Chris _is_ his boss, even though he doesn’t often act like it. He takes the coffee with him back into his bedroom, pulling his work shirt on over the t-shirt he’d already been wearing. He hates this shirt, he’s never looked that good in blue and it’s so dorky that his name is sewed right in above the breast-pocket, but whatever. It’s not like he’s going to meet too many eligible bachelors in a mechanic and custom detailing shop. They deal with classic cars, so their clientele consists mostly of older, balding men with beer guts who want to feel twenty again by driving around in a vintage Mustang. It’s a little pathetic, but it pays the bills and Jensen likes the work.

Grabbing his jeans from where he’d left them in a pile on the floor, he smoothes them out and pulls them on, emptying the pockets of loose change and a couple receipts as he does because it irritates him to have things in his pockets while he’s working. There’s a phone number scrawled messily on a crumpled cocktail napkin, but Jensen tosses that into the trash too. He’s never going to call that guy, regardless of how hot he was and how good he felt grinding up against Jensen in a sea of sweaty bodies and generic techno music. Jensen isn’t exactly a stranger to the one-night-stand, but that’s just because he’s a guy and the fact that he’s gay doesn’t negate the fact that he needs to get his dick wet every now and then. Regardless of what Chris says, Jensen _does_ have standards, and that guy – Mark, Jensen thinks – was beyond wasted to the point of incoherency, and Jensen has to draw the line somewhere. He’s already been puked on during sex once in his life, fuck if he’s letting it happen again.

Besides, he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that lately, the bar scene and the random hook-ups haven’t been as satisfying as they used to be. It’s stupid; Jensen’s twenty-five, for God’s sake, not thirty, but even still. When he was younger, even just last year, it was all he wanted. His life had seemed perfect – a good job, good friends, and evenings spent getting lost in the hypnotizing thump of a subwoofer and the feeling of some young, hard body against his that came without a last name attached. Jensen took them home and fucked them until they were both boneless and sleepy and sated, and then he kicked them out the next morning and never saw them again, and he was more than happy with that arrangement. But the last time he did that, something didn’t feel right. The sex wasn’t as high-voltage as it usually is, and the next day Jensen actually felt something akin to shame that he never even learned the guy’s _first_ name before he was watching him walk away.

It’s his stupid friends’ fault. For a long time, it was just him and Christian, two single guys with an aptitude for partying too hard and drinking too much and doing stupid things that they were only sort of embarrassed about the next day. But now Chris is seeing that stupid famous girl, Danneel Harris, aka the Paris Hilton of Texas because her father owns half the oil wells in the country, and mostly Jensen likes her but it’s left him on his own on the chasing-tail front, and it really isn’t as much fun to hit up some douchey club all by himself. So instead, he gets to watch as Steve and his wife are disgustingly happy together and he gets to watch as Christian slowly falls for Danneel (even though he’d deny it if Jensen asked him) and realize that as much fun as his life’s been the last few years, it’s also been lonely.

“Jensen! What the fuck are you doing in there, primping?” Christian’s loud voice demands from just outside Jensen’s bedroom door.

Jensen rolls his eyes a little, but he quickly buttons up his shirt and follows a fondly exasperated Christian out the door and down the stairs.

____

  
The smell of motor oil and tires and painted steel is soothing. It’s familiar here, and uncomplicated. Jensen knows exactly what to do every second of his day while he’s working; he doesn’t have to think about it and he likes that a lot. Plus, he gets to work with some of the most beautiful classic and antique cars in Dallas, since Christian’s shop is probably the best in the city, and even though Jensen was never really a car guy before he started here, he knows enough about them now to appreciate a vintage honey-comb grille or a V8 engine or the gentle curves of a Porsche 356. He’s worked here for years now, ever since he moved in with Christian. He really loves it; the work is interesting, but just repetitive enough that it gets him out of his head. And it’s satisfying to be good at something.

Plus, working with Chris means he gets to hang out with his friend all the time. Steve is pretty awesome too, even though Jensen doesn’t know him as well. They laugh and make fun of each other and swear and tell uncomfortably filthy jokes and it makes Jensen feel like one of the guys like he did back in high school. He never totally fit in anywhere but at the same time he sort of fit in everywhere. He was on the football team and in the drama club and he was friends with almost everyone, and his biggest worry about coming out had been that tough guys like his football friends wouldn’t want to be around him anymore – that he’d get shunted to the choir or art classes or wherever else the gay kids go. Jensen may be gay but he’s not all fancy about it like he knows some people are, so it’s nice that he can still hang around super-straight guys like Chris and Steve and not feel like the odd one out.

“Hey pretty-boy, there’s a ‘72 Datsun 240z coming in this afternoon,” Steve says as he walks passed Jensen with an armful of hubcaps. “You want it?”

Jensen hits his head in his haste to get out from under the hood of the car he’s working on. “Ow, fuck. You serious?”

“As a heart attack,” Steve grins. “Chris said you’ve got a boner for those, he said you could have it.”

“Are you kidding?” Jensen cries. “You don’t even know! My dad had one of those, I _love_ that car!”

“It’s all yours, then. And hey, if you need some time alone with it we can probably take off early.”

“Don’t even joke about that, man,” Jensen laughs. “’Cause I might just take you up on it.”

“If I catch you with your dick in the tailpipe your ass is fired!” Chris calls from across the room.

Jensen doesn’t even know how he heard them, but he cracks up anyway, while Steve walks away looking vaguely ill.

____

  
The first thought Jensen has when the Datsun pulls up is something along the lines of _damn, that’s a beautiful car_. It’s orange, just like his dad’s was, front-heavy with a black hood and a stock rear axle and silver trimming. If he popped the hood, there’d probably be a turbo 400 transmission and everything. He’s practically salivating just looking at it, and God, he can’t wait to get his hands on it. There’s something sexual about a really nice car – something almost feminine about the soft curves of it – and it’s probably the closest Jensen’s ever been to being attracted to a woman.

The second thought he has comes when the owner of the car shuts off the ignition and steps out onto the pavement. That thought is something along the lines of _damn, that’s a beautiful **man**_. He’s in his early twenties; he’s tall, _really_ tall, with broad shoulders and giant hands and shaggy, golden-brown hair. He’s wearing loose jeans and a plain green t-shirt that hugs his biceps just enough to be enticing but not enough that it’s obvious, and his skin is this incredible toffee-color, like he spends a lot of time in the sun. Jensen’s definitely salivating just looking at him, and he _really_ can’t wait to get his hands on it. The car, he means. Maybe.

The man – or, kid, as Jensen has to call him in his head when he realizes the guy is maybe twenty-one at the _most_ , even if he is a giant – walks slowly toward the shop like he’s unsure where he’s supposed to be going. Jensen watches him with eagle-eyes, tracking his movements and trying to memorize the slight sway in his step and the way his hair shines in the sun and the way he clenches and unclenches his fists like he’s a little on edge. Jensen has this almost uncontrollable urge to comfort him, to wrap him up in a hug and maybe a warm blanket and tell him everything’s going to be okay, even though he has no idea what it is that _isn’t_ okay because he’s never seen this person before. It’s a really, _really_ strange feeling and it makes Jensen instantly uncomfortable.

Usually the only reason he’s drawn to a stranger like this is because he notices someone’s nice lips or the sinful curve of their ass and he knows exactly what he wants to do with them when he gets them back to his apartment. But this person, Jensen just wants to talk to him. To maybe run his fingers through that silky-looking hair and press himself up against that big body under a blanket during a rainstorm; to ask him why there’s a hint of sadness behind his expressive eyes and then kiss every inch of that sadness away.

Mother of God. Jensen resists the strong urge to cop a feel of his own chest to make sure he didn’t just grow a nice pair of tits to go with his recently acquired uterus. He actually wants to _know_ this guy, not just bang him, and the thought alone is both terrifying and thoroughly irritating. Steve and Chris keep telling Jensen that one day he’ll meet someone special and rethink his club-hopping ways, and if it turns out they’re right, Jensen’s going to have to kill them both and possibly himself on principle alone.

The guy is walking toward Jensen and it isn’t until the very last minute Jensen realizes it, and then also realizes he’s just been standing there leering at the poor kid like the complete idiot he obviously is. There’s a small frown on the guy’s face and Jensen doesn’t blame him for being weirded out. By the time he gets right in front of Jensen, though, he’s just gone back to looking hesitant.

“Are, um, do you work here?” he asks, and _shit_ , he has a nice voice. It’s a deep, throaty baritone and it sends a little shiver down Jensen’s spine.

“I – yeah. Jensen. I’m Jensen, I mean, and yes I work here. See, name’s on the shirt, so. I must be a mechanic. If I wasn’t, then I’d just … y’know … be in some other profession where they have names on their shirts,” Jensen babbles, and what the _fuck_ is he even talking about?

The guy sort of raises an eyebrow, but then he smiles a little. “Doctors wear nametags, I think.”

“Right,” Jensen agrees weakly. “Well, not a doctor. Your car, I can fix your car. If that’s why you’re here. Or, whatever. So, yeah. Hi.”

_That’s good, Ackles, make it worse_ , he thinks, mentally kicking his own ass. He’s being about as smooth as freakin’ sandpaper and now there is probably less than a one percent chance he’s ever going to see this guy again after today. Great.

“Cool. So, it’s something wrong with the brakes, I think. And, uh, my uncle said it makes this weird thumping noise when he goes over speed-bumps.”

Jensen blinks. “Uncle?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s not my car,” the guy laughs softly. “Poor college kid, no way I could afford the upkeep on a car like that.”

“Oh, awesome. What college?” Jensen is completely aware that he’s now being creepy and invasive along with a fumbling dolt, but the words are spilling out of his mouth completely beyond his control.

“Um. UTD,” he answers, smiling shyly again, and Jensen could see himself easily getting addicted to that smile.

“What are you taking?”

“Just kinda random courses right now. Trying to figure out what I want to do, y’know?”

“Yeah. That’s, uh … gotta be tricky,” Jensen supplies helpfully, and the guy nods.

“You own this place?” he asks, nodding toward the building behind them.

“Nah. Just a grunt. I like the work, though.”

“I don’t know anything about cars.”

“They’re pretty cool on the inside. Especially these older ones.”

“So you’re not Kane, then,” Handsome Stranger concludes, his eyes briefly flicking up to the sign over the door. The way the sunlight hits them makes them bright blue for just a second before they fade back to green. Jensen’s a little bit mesmerized.

“Um. No,” he says, trying really hard not to stare in case the guy’s eyes do that again. “Ackles.”

The guy nods and presses his lips together for a moment, and then he says, “I like that better anyway. So are there, like, forms I need to fill out?”

“Oh! Yeah.” Jensen wants to smack himself. Of course there are. This isn’t a date, this is someone bringing their car in to be fixed and Jensen doesn’t know where the hell his head is. Probably up his own ass. “Yeah, why don’t you bring the car around, through the second door, and I’ll meet you in the office?”

“Okay.” Handsome Stranger flashes one more of those unintentionally sexy half-smiles, and Jensen’s legs almost give out.

He walks over to the office while the guy walks back to his uncle’s car. Christian is there behind the desk, grinning wolfishly at Jensen when he walks in.

“What?” Jensen asks, instinctively defensive.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Christian asks, his eyes lit up in amusement. “Dude, you were totally hitting on that guy!”

“I was not!” Jensen says lamely, even though they both know Chris can see right through him. It’s not like he was being anything close to subtle about it. “And so what if I was?”

“This isn’t a meat market, Jen,” Chris chuckles. “This is a place of business, you can’t just go around puttin’ the moves on random, unsuspecting customers.”

“Hey, you met Danneel here!” Jensen protests. “So what, you can do it and I can’t? That’s like – a hate crime.”

“Yeah, _60 Minutes_ is gonna be barging down my door any day now. And that’s different, she hit on _me_ ,” Christian points out. “And at least I knew she was into dudes! If you start batting your eyelashes at every hot straight boy that comes in here, they won’t come back.”

“Right, and our profit margins would suffer _so_ much if we lost one customer.” Jensen rolls his eyes. “And besides, you don’t know he’s straight, and also, I was the complete opposite of suave out there so I don’t think you have to worry. Apparently he’s the Kryptonite to my powers of seduction.”

“Incoming,” Christian warns, a second before the little bell above the door rings and Handsome Stranger steps into the room.

“Hey.”

“Good afternoon, sir,” Christian answers, all professional and respectable, which is all kinds of ridiculous because the kid is probably close to ten years younger than him so the ‘sir’ is a little misplaced. “I’ve got the intake right here for you to sign, and then you can be on your way before Jensen here creeps you out too much more.”

Jensen glares at him and Chris just winks. Yeah, he’s definitely going to put something nasty into Chris’s food later. Maybe something that can cause permanent brain damage. He wonders how hard it would be to get his hands on a vial of E. coli.

“Oh, no, he … he wasn’t,” the guy says, but even to Jensen’s hopeful ears he doesn’t sound entirely convincing.

The guy fills out the form Christian hands him, and then he separates the car key from his key-ring and hands it over. Jensen does take notice of his bare left ring-finger, but that still doesn’t mean he isn’t straight. He’s just a kid, he probably wouldn’t be married already anyway. Then Jensen realizes he just thought all that, and hates himself just a little bit more.

“The number for my uncle’s house is on there, he’ll probably be picking the car up when it’s done.”

“Shouldn’t be more than a day or two,” Chris says with a polite smile, and the guy thanks him and leaves. His eyes briefly meet Jensen’s, but they only linger for a second or two and then he’s closing the door behind him and Jensen’s stomach is tying itself into knots all over again.

“Fuck,” he mutters, mostly to himself but he’s aware that Christian probably hears him.

“Oh, just go after him already!” Chris snaps, fondly annoyed, and Jensen shoots him another dirty look but he finds himself chasing after the guy anyway.

“Hey, um … you, UTD guy!” he calls, and the kid turns around.

“Yeah?”

“D’you, uh, have a cell number? In case we can’t reach your uncle?”

He considers Jensen for a moment, and Jensen’s sure the guy is smart enough to see past the lame excuse and realize that Jensen’s just trying to get his number. But then he nods. Jensen really hopes that means he _did_ see past the excuse. “Sure. You got a pen?”

Jensen pats his pockets and comes up empty. “I’ll remember it.”

“457-3756,” the guy recites.

Jensen repeats it and then smiles. “Kay. Awesome.”

“Well, I’ll … uh, I guess I’ll see you around, maybe.” He fidgets uncomfortably and Jensen nods and turns back toward the garage.

“Okay. Bye.”

“Hey, Jensen?” the guy calls after him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m Jared. Padalecki.”

“Oh. That’s an awesome last name.”

Jared chuckles and shrugs. “Thanks. Didn’t have much to do with that.”

“It’s … what, Ukrainian?”

“Polish.”

“Huh. That explains why you’re so …” Jensen gestures at him.

Jared raises an eyebrow and jokes, “You’re not gonna say stupid, right?”

Jensen laughs. “I was gonna say tall.”

“Oh. Well that’s okay, then. So … hi. And, bye, also.” Jared smiles sheepishly, glancing down at his shoes and then back up at Jensen through his bangs, and then he’s walking away, and it’s only by the grace of God that Jensen doesn’t melt into a big pile of goo right there on the sidewalk.

____

  
Technically, or not-so-technically, Jared is a client and not a guy Jensen’s trying to get with, as much as he wishes differently. So Jensen doesn’t wait the obligatory three days Christian says you’re supposed to before he calls him. He calls him the next morning, actually, and if his voice shakes a little when he speaks, it’s only because he had six or seven cups of coffee in the space of about an hour and the muscles in his face are about to twitch themselves into permanent paralysis. There’s a little hole in the muffler of Jared’s uncle’s Datsun, that’s probably the cause of the thumping noises, and Jensen has to ask if Jared would rather he patch it or replace it. No really, he actually does _have_ to ask that. It’s in the manual and everything. So the first call isn’t Jensen’s fault. Neither is the way his stomach flips when he hears Jared’s voice. After Jared puts the phone down for a moment to check with his uncle, he says Jensen should replace the muffler, and then they end up talking for almost twenty minutes about everything from movies to music to football, but that’s just because Jensen is easily distractible. He’s always been like that. It has absolutely nothing to do with Jared.

The second call, well, one of the headlights is burnt out and even though it’s easy enough for Jensen to fix, there’s always the chance that the client would rather go down to one of Dallas’s twenty Home Depots and replace the bulb themselves. So Jensen calls Jared to ask. It seems only polite, and Jensen is nothing if not a gentleman. The fact that Chris snorted Diet Coke out of his nose when Jensen said that out loud does not, under any circumstances, make the statement untrue. It just means Chris is an idiot. Jensen’s known that for almost two decades; he really shouldn’t be surprised.

The third call, though, even Jensen can’t imagine up a good excuse for. He calls Jared late in the afternoon, for the third time that day, to tell him that the brake pads are worn out and need replacing. The thing is, the whole reason Jared brought in the car in the first place was because of the breaks, so that should be something Jensen just fixes automatically without letting Jared know he’s doing it. That part comes later, when the customer comes back to pick the car up and Jensen says “So, the brake pads were shot, had to replace them.” And then the customer nods and begrudgingly pays more money than they thought they would. Jensen’s been doing this for nearly seven years; he knows the dance. But he’s falling out of step with Jared, and he should probably be more concerned about it than he is. Jensen would also notice, if he were in his right mind, that every time he asks Jared a question the kid has to put the phone down and go find his uncle and ask _him_ the question because it _isn’t Jared’s car_. But Jensen doesn’t notice that.

He kind of can’t stop thinking about Jared. Possibly because he spends the entire day elbow deep in a vehicle that Jared has sat in, and every time he comes across a pair of gloves or an empty water bottle he wonders if it’s something Jared’s hands have been in or lips have touched. But also for some other reasons that he isn’t really sure of. There was something captivating about Jared, something Jensen can’t get out of his head. Every time he closes his eyes, there’s caramel skin and bangs falling softly into soulful eyes and a sweet, shy smile etched into the insides of his eyelids. Funny thing is, it isn’t freaking Jensen out as much as maybe it should.

____

  
Jared’s cell phone rings, and he sets the saucepan down so he can reach into his back pocket for it. The caller ID says name unknown, but Jared’s seen that number enough times over the last two days that he recognizes it. He shakes his head, caught somewhere between fondness and confusion. He really doesn’t know why Jensen’s been calling him so much. Jared doesn’t know much about cars, but he doesn’t think it’s normal for a mechanic to call and ask whether he should change a headlight bulb. But he can’t really say he’s complaining. There’s something indescribable about Jensen, Jared’s drawn to it even though it’s a little worrying.

“Hi Jensen,” he answers.

“Hey!” Jensen replies, a little too brightly.

“What’s up?”

“I changed the brake pads. Everything’s fixed now, so your uncle can pick the car up tomorrow morning.”

Jared smiles to himself. “Great.”

“Yeah. Well …” Jensen pauses and there’s a high pitched whine in the background that sounds like some kind of electric saw. Then there’s shuffling and the noise gets muffled, like maybe Jensen’s alone in the office now. “I’ll talk to you later, then?”

“If the car’s getting picked up tomorrow, you’re probably not going to be calling anymore,” Jared points out reluctantly.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“Hey, look, um …” Jared starts slowly. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but … you know it’s my uncle’s car, right? I mean, shouldn’t you be calling him with all this stuff instead of me?”

“Oh.” Jensen’s quiet for a moment and Jared’s worried he’s offended him. “Yeah, I guess I should. I … uh, I could start doing that, I guess.”

“Well. It doesn’t matter, just … um. Is there a reason? That you’re calling me instead of him?” Jared’s heart is beating into his throat. He knows what he wants Jensen to say, even though he’s terrified of what he’ll do if Jensen says it. But he’s even more terrified of the possibility that he might have been reading Jensen wrong this whole time.

“I don’t know,” Jensen huffs and Jared can picture him cringing. “‘Cause I wanted to talk to you?”

“Okay. That’s … that’s really nice. But why?”

“Alright, look,” Jensen sighs. “God, this sounds so grade-school, but, uh, you wanna hang out some time?”

Jared swallows thickly. It doesn’t make any sense. Jensen is older and gorgeous and Jared doesn’t have the first clue what he could possibly see in someone like Jared. He looks like the kind of guy who should have some devastatingly beautiful girl with a cup size higher than her IQ on his arm; although, since he’s asking Jared to hang out, there is the possibility that Jensen doesn’t _want_ a girl. But that’s too much for Jared to hope for. Especially since he isn’t into guys either, which would make a lot more sense if he wasn’t very definitely into Jensen, who is also very definitely a man. Jared’s head spins.

He doesn’t mean to, but he hears his own voice say, “Yeah. Okay. I’ll call you?”

“Okay,” Jensen says softly. “Sounds good. Bye, Jared.”

“Bye, Jensen.”

Jared shuts his phone and exhales shakily. He just sits there for a moment, lost in his own thoughts, and then he walks over to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. He really, _really_ needs to get a hold of himself. All Jensen asked was if Jared wanted to hang out, not if he wanted to catch a Greyhound to Vegas and get married by a guy dressed like Elvis. Jared doesn’t even know for sure if Jensen’s gay, so it isn’t a date. Which is good, because Jared isn’t gay either.

Probably.

____

  
The sharp trill of Jensen’s cell phone ringing startles him so much he drops the remote, sending it clattering to the ground where the back pops off and the batteries skid in different directions across the tile floor. Jensen closes his eyes for a second while Christian laughs himself silly from the armchair to Jensen’s right.

“Ten points!” Chris yells, and Jensen rolls his eyes.

“You’re a fucking riot.”

It’s stupid, he’d just been sort of lost in his own little world and the fake-sounding vintage telephone ringtone shattered his temporary bubble of hazy nothingness. And then, as he scrambles to pull it out of his pocket, he pitifully finds himself sending a little prayer skyward for the caller to be Jared. It isn’t, but of course it isn’t. If there is a God, he probably wouldn’t spend his time being the celestial wingman for the homos, Jensen figures. At least not if the church he went to every Sunday growing up had any idea what they were talking about.

“Hey,” he answers.

“How would you feel about adding a few random acts of kindness to your already fantastically heroic list of brotherly duties?” his sister Mackenzie asks instead of saying hello.

Jensen rolls his eyes. “You can say it like Shakespeare all you want, doofus, you’re still griping for a favor. Whata’ya what?”

“Your car. Just for the afternoon, tomorrow. I’ll have it back to you before supper, I swear.”

“What’s wrong with yours?”

“It called in sick.”

“What did you do?” Jensen groans.

“Hit a curb,” she answers sheepishly. “But seriously, it just jumped right out in front of me!”

Jensen laughs reluctantly. “Yeah, that sounds plausible. And I suppose you’d also like me to fix it while you’re borrowing mine?”

“Oh, would you? My hero!” she cries, pretending to be pleasantly surprised.

“Yeah, sure. Why the hell not, s’not like I have anything better to do,” Jensen grumbles. That, at least, is actually true, while he’s still being all pathetic and wishing Jared would call him.

“Okay, great. I’ll bring it over right now. You’re the best.”

“I’m aware of that,” Jensen agrees dryly. “I’m gonna hang up now.”

He sort of hears her start to say something else, but he ignores her and snaps his phone shut. He loves her, he really does, but he’s not in the mood for her right now. Alright, so yes, he’s basically been sitting next to his phone for the last three days waiting for Jared to call. It’s excruciating. Christian always waits three days before he calls whatever girl he’s dating at the time, and Jensen never thought anything of it before. But now, he feels their pain. It’s awful, just waiting for the phone to ring and being totally aware that it might never ring, because Jared might’ve just said he’d call to get Jensen to leave him alone. If things don’t work out with Jared and Jensen’s ever in this situation again, he’s going to call the guy the next day, even if it _is_ against Christian’s rules.

“Was that _Jared_?” Chris asks, making a kissy-face and dragging Jared’s name out to three or four syllables longer than it is.

“Did it sound like it was Jared?” Jensen asks in annoyance, reaching down to pick up the broken remote.

“Dude, why don’t you just call him?”

“Because that’s against the Christian Kane patented method of scoring … whatever the fuck. I can’t remember what you call it.”

“I call it poontang. But that means pussy, so we’ll have to come up with a different word for you. Peen-tang.”

Jensen snorts. “Perfect. I hope it catches on.”

“Call him!” Chris yells.

“I can’t!” Jensen yells back, getting up and walking across the room to hunt for one of the batteries.

“Because someone cut off your nuts?”

“Because I don’t know if he’s gay,” Jensen corrects. He bends down and reaches behind the TV stand, rooting around for a moment and then coming up with the little metal cylinder. He pops it back into place and then scans the carpet for the other one. “And if he isn’t, which is far more statistically likely especially in freakin’ Texas, then I’ll just creep him out.”

Christian rolls his eyes. “You know that’s idiotic, right?”

“I do now.” Jensen spots the second battery under the couch and kneels down to fish it out. “Remind me why?”

“Because if he _isn’t_ gay, it won’t matter if you creep him out ‘cause what the hell would you want with him then? It’s not like you’re gonna turn him. Wouldn’t you rather know one way or the other instead of sitting here with your thumb up your vagina?”

“I’m almost positive that’s not how that expression goes.”

“I made an exception for you. You’d _like_ having a thumb up your ass.”

Jensen stares at him for a moment, and then Christian waggles his eyebrows and Jensen cracks up and collapses back down onto the couch. “You’re weird. Most straight guys are quaking in their fuckin’ boots at the idea of ass sex.”

“I’m not most straight guys.”

“I know.” Jensen grins at him, and he’s only partly teasing him now. The truth is, if Christian was like most straight guys, he wouldn’t have more-or-less saved Jensen’s life seven years ago.

“I’m giving you two more days,” Chris tells him, heaving himself up off the chair and grabbing two beers from the fridge. He hands one to Jensen and then tosses him the bottle opener after he’s finished with it. “If he still hasn’t called, I’m deleting his number. Jensen Ackles does _not_ sit around like a chick waiting for some guy who might not even be gay to maybe call him back.”

He’s right about that. At least, Jensen’s never done anything like that before. He’s definitely doing it now, though, and the weirdest part is that he isn’t nearly as disgusted with himself over it as he probably should be. There’s something about Jared. Jensen can’t get him out of his mind no matter how hard he tries. Jensen makes a mental note to memorize Jared’s number later, in case Christian was serious about deleting it.

____

  
As it turns out, Jensen doesn’t even have to memorize the number. Jared ends up calling later that night. Christian figures out who’s on the phone instantly from the look on Jensen’s face when he checks the caller ID, and then he jumps up and down and giggles like a little girl and yells, “It’s him, it’s him, it’s him!” and Jensen says, “I hope you die,” and means it, and then locks himself in his room to get away from his complete moron of a roommate.

“Hello?” Jensen answers, all cool and indifferent like maybe he was too busy doing something awesome to check who was calling before he picked up, and Jesus _Christ_ he’s an idiot.

“Jensen? It’s Jared.”

“Oh, hey, man,” Jensen says, once again resisting the urge to start bashing his head into the wall. Unless Jared is just colossally stupid, he’s going to see right through Jensen’s pretend nonchalance.

“Um. What’s going on?” Jared asks. Jensen can hear him fidgeting, and Jensen wonders if he’s nervous.

“Nothin’ really. Hangin’ out with my roommate. Sort of.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Yeah. You?”

“Avoiding studying,” Jared answers with a small laugh, and Jensen happens to glance at himself in the mirror and realizes he’s got a ridiculous, dopey grin all over his face.

“Studying sucks,” Jensen supplies helpfully, and then screams _stupid!_ at himself in his head.

“Sometimes. So, uh, listen. I’m not doin’ anything tomorrow if you wanted to … I don’t know. Do something.”

The part of Jensen’s brain that apparently is under the impression he’s a pretty, pretty princess at the beginning of some kind of fairytale courtship does a tiny little happy dance. The rest of him kinda feels like throwing up. “Yeah, that’s – okay. Great. Wanna just do coffee? Or whatever?”

“Sure. What area of town do you live in?”

“I live above the shop.”

“Oh! Well that’s close to me then. This, um. Sorry, this is embarrassing, but I don’t have a car. Do you mind …?”

“I’ll pick you up at seven.” Jensen just has to remember to threaten Mack with her life so she’ll return his car by then.

“Okay, great. 734 Elm. The one with the Datsun parked out front, which … you already knew because you fixed it. And … yeah,” Jared trails off. In his mind’s eye, Jensen pictures him blushing, and yeah, he really likes this kid. After one semi-awkward meeting and a few short phone conversations, Jensen likes him a hell of a lot more than most of the guys he’s had sex with. He is in so much trouble.

“See you then.”

____

  
Jared wasn’t going to call him. He really wasn’t. When he first said he would, he’d meant it. He did want to see Jensen again, and Jensen seemed to want to see him, so Jared was in. But then, after he had a couple of days to think about it, to consider what it would _mean_ if he called this guy back and went out with him, Jared changed his mind. He already has friends, he doesn’t really need new ones. Chad is almost more than he can handle sometimes as it is. And he’s probably supposed to eventually start dating Genevieve. Everyone already thinks they’ll end up together anyway, even though technically everyone is only like three people. And she’s pretty and funny and Jared really likes her, but he’s never really felt _that_ way about her. He’s never really felt that way about _anyone_ , actually, because … well, he just hasn’t. Until Jensen. Jared doesn’t know exactly what it is he feels for the guy, especially since he barely knows him, but it’s _something_ , and after spending three days barely able to concentrate on anything else, Jared finally decided to grow a pair and just make the damn phone call.

And now he’s getting ready for what is very probably a date – or at least a pre-date, which Gen swears up and down is a real thing even though Jared’s pretty sure she’s making it up – and he can’t get his hair to not look stupid and it’s even _more_ stupid that he cares, but he does. Sometimes Jared thinks he should just shave his head and be done with it. When he’s just laying around the house all day in sweats and a faded t-shirt, his hair looks fantastic. And then, when he wants to go somewhere where it actually matters what he looks like, his hair gets all weird and floppy and he looks like he should be in a boy band. Genevieve knows how to do it for him so it doesn’t look like this, but Jared isn’t going to call her because then he’d have to tell her _why_ he needs to look good for tonight and that would just open a whole other can of worms that Jared isn’t anywhere near ready to start dealing with. It’s one thing to go out with Jensen, but it’s a different situation entirely to _tell_ people he’s doing it.

Once he’s gotten his hair to look as un-stupid as he thinks it’ll get, Jared brushes his teeth and shaves and then puts on four different shirts before he decides on a blue and green plaid button-up. He doesn’t know why he cares so much about this. Jensen probably won’t even notice. Jared never notices what people are wearing, he thinks that’s more of a chick thing. But, for reasons that he’s avoiding even thinking because they might make this whole thing too real, Jared really wants Jensen to like him.

Jensen gets there right at seven, and Jared nearly swallows his own tongue when he opens the front door and gets an abrupt eyeful of the man he’s been thinking about mostly non-stop for almost a week. He’s more familiar with the sound of Jensen’s voice than anything, because he only actually saw him once and all their other interactions have been over the phone, but he’s even more breath-taking than he was when they met. He’d been in his work clothes, a little bit dirty and disheveled because he’s a mechanic, and while he’d been gorgeous then, it was nothing compared to what he looks like now. His hair is perfect, styled but just messy enough to not look overdone, and he’s in gray jeans and a black sweater and a fitted navy blazer, and alright, so maybe Jared does notice what people are wearing. That, and, next to this guy who should be on the covers of magazines, Jared feels like a toothless Okie in his flannel shirt and cowboy boots.

Jensen smiles at him, though, big and bright in this way that makes his eyes sparkle and crinkle around the edges and Jared’s stomach flips over itself a few too many times to be entirely comfortable.

Jared’s expecting Jensen to take him to a Starbucks or something, but instead they go to this quiet little place tucked into the end of a strip mall that Jared never knew existed. There are fireplaces and big, squishy looking couches, and even though every table is full, it feels just as intimate as if they were actually alone. Jensen talks about his job, how much he likes working with the cars but isn’t so crazy about dealing with clients. He tells Jared the other man he met that day at the shop is the owner of the place and Jensen’s roommate, and his name is Christian, and he’s a little wild but really nice and Jared would probably like him. He says he grew up in Richardson, where his parents still live, but has lived in Dallas for almost seven years. His little sister lives here too, in a dorm at the same university that Jared goes to, and his older brother lives in California but Jensen doesn’t really talk to him much anymore. Jared is nervous, so he babbles on about his Uncle Jim and how crazy Chad is and that school is really hard but he’s enjoying it a lot, and Jensen just smiles and nods and doesn’t get that overwhelmed look on his face like people do sometimes when Jared talks too much. He makes Jared laugh, makes him feel like everything he’s saying is actually interesting even though Jared doesn’t know how that’s possible, and there’s this foreign warmth in Jared’s chest every time Jensen flashes him one of those grins.

By the time Jensen drops him back off, Jared has all but forgotten that Jensen is male and that Jared doesn’t think he’s into guys, so much that he’s almost _hoping_ Jensen is going to kiss him goodnight, much as it makes his heart pound to even think about it. Jensen doesn’t, but he does squeeze Jared’s arm and say he had a great time and that they should do it again, and it’s maybe wishful thinking but he seems like he means it. Jared watches him drive away and tries to blink away the dizziness that’s leaving him feeling off-center, and it doesn’t matter anymore what Jensen is and what Jared isn’t. He doesn’t know if he’s into guys, but he’s sure as hell into _Jensen_. And he is so, so screwed.

_When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again. – Albert Einstein_


	2. Chapter 2

_Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground. – Jarod Kintz_

“You have a secret,” Chad informs Jared instead of saying hello, as Jared joins him at a table in the library.

“Good morning to you too. You’re welcome for the coffee.” Jared sets the two cardboard cups down on the table and then pulls his backpack off and sets it on the chair beside him. “And no I don’t.”

“You think I can’t tell? You’re the worst liar in the history of bad liars.”

Jared ignores him and starts rooting through his bag for his Psychology textbook. He isn’t going to tell Chad about Jensen, because in truth, there’s nothing to tell. They just went out for coffee. They spent one evening together, and not even an entire evening since Jared was back home by ten. Chad’s _hooked up_ with girls he’s spent less amounts of time with, and he doesn’t tell Jared about that. Alright, well, he _does_ , but Jared never _wants_ him to. Usually he begs him to stop, even though Chad never listens.

“Tell me,” Chad continues, poking Jared’s shoulder. “Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.”

“Tell you _what_?” Jared cries, shoving Chad’s hand away.

“You’re seeing somebody, aren’t you?”

“No. Why would you think that?”

“Because you had this far-away look in your eyes in poli-sci this morning. You were just staring off into space, dude, it was the exact same look chicks get before they start doodling Mrs. Terry Bradshaw on their notebooks in sparkly pens.”

Jared snorts. “Terry Bradshaw? You think that’s who the ladies are hot for nowadays?”

“First name that popped into my head. So who is she?”

“It’s …” Jared sighs. “It’s nothing. Okay? Really.”

“You want me to get Genevieve involved in this? ‘Cause I’ll do it. And you know her, how fuckin’ crazy she is, she’ll rip your pubes out one at a time until you talk.”

“If that’s the kinda shit she does in her spare time then no, actually, I don’t know her.”

“It’s retarded that you’re friends with her, y’know. And even more retarded that you’re forcing _me_ to be friends with her.”

“I’m not forcing anything. She actually likes you, go figure.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She thinks you’re funny. And why is it retarded?”

Chad fixes him with a hard look. “Dude, because she’s a _chick_. You’re not supposed to be friends with them, you’re supposed to fuck them and then avoid ever seeing them again.”

“If everyone operated like you do the species would have ceased to exist by now.”

“Fifty-whatever percent divorce rate in this country and _I’m_ the one doing it wrong.” Chad rolls his eyes. “Why don’t you want me to know about her?”

“About Gen?”

“About the girl you’re _not_ seeing.”

Jared sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Because … because it’s new. I don’t know what it is yet, or what it’s gonna be, or anything. So there’s no point in talking about it until I do.”

“Fine. Whatever.” Chad rolls his eyes and huffs, leaning back in his chair and all but pouting like a little kid.

“Can we study now, please?”

“There’s like a million dudes in this city and I have to be friends with the lamest one on the planet.”

“I’m the only one dumb enough to stay with you,” Jared tells him, flipping his Psych book open.

“‘Sup, losers?” Genevieve’s voice rings out from behind them, way too loud for a library and Jared chuckles at the glares she gets as she makes her way to their table and collapses into the chair across from him. She flips her long, dark hair, and the smell of something sweet invades Jared’s senses. Vanilla, maybe. Jensen smelled like men’s deodorant, and something else too that Jared thinks maybe had just been _him_. Earthy, like freshly cut cedar. He kind of can’t get it out of his head.

“Boobs,” Chad says, nodding his head at her in acknowledgement.

“She has a name,” Jared points out, but Gen just laughs.

“New nickname? I like it. What’re we learning today?”

“Jared pays a hooker to shave his back on Saturday nights,” Chad replies.

“Chad was born with three testicles,” Jared counters, not looking up from the line of text he’s highlighting.

“More love-juice to go around!”

Genevieve cracks up, slamming her own Psych textbook down on the table and earning a few more glares from the table next to them. “That’s disgusting. But hey, I guess even the freaks deserve sex.”

“I could go for some right now. Hey Boobs, you wanna?” Chad winks at her and Genevieve kicks him under the table. “Ow, bitch!”

“Hit on me again and I will end you,” she says coolly. “Now either start reading or go away. Jared and I are try’na study.”

“I was here first, you know,” Chad mutters mutinously, but he does as he’s told anyway and opens his book up.

Jared shakes his head and tries his best to concentrate on brain scans instead of thinking about how the jacket Genevieve is wearing reminds him of the one Jensen was wearing last night.

____

  
“Got anything planned for tonight?” Christian asks, walking past Jensen in a whirl of long hair and aftershave.

“Yeah. Jared’s comin’ over.”

Chris grins. “Gonna finally seal that deal?”

Jensen shrugs. “Maybe.”

The real answer is definitely not. Regardless of how much Jensen would _like_ to throw Jared down on the kitchen table and have his way with him, Jared doesn’t seem like that kind of person. And truthfully, much as it freaks him out, Jensen likes him too much to want to fuck it up by sleeping with him.

In the last two weeks, he’s seen Jared four times. Twice, they just hung out here in the apartment. Watched football, drank beer, ate nachos. Regular guy stuff, nothing romantic about it at all, except that Jensen spent almost the whole night staring at Jared’s lips and wondering what they’d taste like. Once, they threw a football around in the park a block away from Jared’s place because he said he’d been studying all day and needed a break. Jensen actually left work, in the middle of the day, to go meet him just so they could chat and toss a football back and forth for twenty minutes. He may never live that one down with his co-workers. And the last time, Jensen ran into him in Wal-Mart – which was bound to happen sooner or later – and they went for a drink at this sports bar where Jensen watches Cowboys games with Chris sometimes.

Jensen is … well, he’s in it deeper than he’s ever been before. He likes Jared. Like, really, really likes him, more than just wanting to fuck him and then never seen him again. Jensen still doesn’t even know if Jared’s gay, and the craziest part is, even if he isn’t, Jensen would _still_ want to spend time with him. It makes absolutely no sense at all since he still doesn’t know the kid very well, but there’s just something about him. Something in his goofy sense of humor and kind nature that has Jensen craving more every time he’s watching Jared walk away. Something in his wide, dimpled smile that makes Jensen want to spend the rest of his life making Jared laugh. Something in that slightly haunted look behind his soulful, blue-green eyes, that Jensen noticed right away and still sees sometimes, that makes him ache to know what put that look there and then make it go away.

All in all, Jensen should be completely terrified. He’s never done this before, any of it. Back when he first realized he was gay, he had some silly, fairy-tale notion of meeting some amazing guy and falling in love and growing old with someone who loved him back, but then he discovered how much fun sex is, and that’s always been his endgame since. Jensen doesn’t know if he’s just growing up or if he’s finally met the right person or what, but when he looks at Jared, he feels like he’s eighteen again, starry-eyed and hopeful and dreaming of creating a life with somebody. It should be frightening him down to his core, because all those things he’s been thinking about go completely against the way he’s lived his life for the past seven years. And there are times when he catches himself, and then suddenly has the urge to find the nearest bar and take the first guy who’ll have him home just to get all these ridiculous thoughts out of his head. Jensen’s always heard monogamy is harder for gay guys because it’s a relationship with two people who’re constantly thinking about sex instead of just one. But then he remembers Jared’s smile, or the way he smells, or how big he is and how good Jensen imagines he’d feel pressed up against him, and then he doesn’t care about anything else anymore.

“Can I meet him?” Chris asks, and Jensen looks up, coming slowly back out of where he’d been lost in thought.

“Uh. Yeah, I guess. If you wanna. You kinda already did, though.”

“Do you not want me to?”

“I don’t know.” Jensen shrugs again, leaning down on his elbows on the table. “It’s just … I mean, we’re not actually _together_ , you know?”

“It’s not like I’m your parents or something. But whatever, it’s up to you.”

“I don’t wanna freak him out, that’s all. Introducing him to my friends and stuff might give him the wrong idea.”

Christian chuckles. “You make it sound like he’s some kinda war refugee, like he might spook if I talk too loud.”

“I …” Jensen sighs, and then laughs in spite of himself. He _knows_ he’s being stupid. He just likes Jared so much, and he doesn’t want to do anything to jinx it. “Yeah. You’re right. Just be cool, alright?”

“When am I not cool?”

“Like every single minute of your entire life,” Jensen mutters, and Chris whacks him on the back of the head as he walks by.

Jared texts that he’s there about twenty minutes later, and Jensen goes downstairs to let him in. He’d offered to pick Jared up again, but since it turned out they only live a couple blocks away from each other, Jared said he’d walk. When Jensen opens the door, he pulls Jared into a hug before he really realizes what he’s doing, and then it hits him and he lets go quickly and mumbles a half-hearted apology. Jared just smiles, though, and Jensen’s insides turn to mush.

“Jared Padalecki, this is Christian Kane,” Jensen says when they get to the top of the stairs and walk back into the apartment, nodding toward where his roommate is sitting on the couch. “You sort of met already.”

“Yeah, I remember you,” Jared says. “My uncle was really happy with whatever you did to his car.”

Chris gets up and shakes his hand casually. “Good to hear. It was all Jensen, though.”

“Oh.” Jared looks over at Jensen and smiles again.

Jensen shrugs. “I didn’t know shit about cars until Chris took me in.”

“Like the stray puppy that he was. Alright, well I gotta be at Danni’s ten minutes ago, so I’m out.” Christian claps Jensen on the shoulder and then smiles at Jared. “Hey, it was good to officially meet you, man.”

“You too,” Jared answers.

“Be good, boys,” Chris says with a wink, and then he’s gone.

Jensen stares at the closed door for a few seconds, aware that Jared’s doing the same and that suddenly there’s a little less oxygen in the room now that they’re alone. He glances over at Jared and smiles awkwardly, and Jared smiles back, but it’s forced. As much experience as Jensen has in the physical parts of a relationship, he’s completely new to the rest of it – he’s never actually met a nice guy somewhere other than a skuzzy bar and invited him over for reasons other than sex. He isn’t even planning on kissing Jared today, partly because he doesn’t think Jared would let him but also because he actually wants to get to _know_ this guy. Jensen doesn’t really care, though; all he knows is that being around this man makes him ravenous for more, even if it’s just sitting next to each other platonically on the couch, and that’s a completely foreign feeling for Jensen.

“So what, um, what do you wanna do?” he asks lamely.

Jared shrugs. “Whatever. We could just watch TV or something.”

“Okay. Uh, yeah, okay, that sounds good.” Jensen sits down on the couch and fumbles with the remote, and Jared sits next to him and clears his throat.

“So, is … um. Is Danni a boy or a girl?” he asks tentatively.

Jensen barks a laugh. “Girl, definitely a girl. Christian is very, _very_ straight.”

“Oh. I wasn’t sure,” Jared replies awkwardly.

“Yeah. Actually, Danni is Danneel Harris,” Jensen tells him, and Jared’s eyes go wide.

“What? Seriously? As in, the daughter of Ted Harris? That girl who’s always getting caught by the paparazzi with no shirt on?”

“That’s her,” Jensen chuckles.

“That’s crazy. She’s like Texas royalty.” Jared shakes his head. “How did he even meet her?”

“At the shop! A couple months ago when she brought her car in. Dude, she has a ’63 Aston Martin.”

Jared’s mouth falls open. “Holy shit. That’s James Bond’s car!”

“I know!” Jensen cries. “It’s insane. I’m not even really a car guy, and I wanna make sweet love to that thing.”

“That’s kind of disturbing but I totally know what you mean,” Jared chuckles. “Wait, though, I mean the Harris’ are one of the richest families in the country, doesn’t she have servants to take her car to a mechanic for her?”

“Probably.” Jensen shrugs. “She’s … I don’t know, rebelling. If you ask me, she’s only dating Chris because he looks like a biker and she’s trying to freak her parents out.”

“Do people know? Has he been in the tabloids or anything?”

“Not yet, as far as I know. But he will be, I’m sure. Which is gonna be super weird.”

“No kidding. You never think stuff like that is gonna happen to people you know.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. “I know, it’s like … it’s weird to think you could be walking down the street one day and just happen to bump into, like, Jessica Alba, or whoever, and then end up dating her. I mean, not _me_ obviously, but someone.”

Jared frowns. “Obviously?”

“Oh yeah I’m, uh, gay, by the way. If you couldn’t tell,” Jensen grins awkwardly and shrugs.

“Oh,” Jared nods a little. “I – I don’t … I didn’t really think about it. But … good? I guess?”

“Are you?” Jensen asks bluntly. He didn’t mean to say it out loud, he hadn’t planned on just blurting it out like that, but it’s been driving him a little crazy.

“I …” Jared pauses, a blush spreading over his cheeks. “I’m not sure. I mean – maybe. I guess.” He shifts uncomfortably. “I haven’t really ever – done anything, you know? So I’m not … sure. Not totally, anyway.”

Jensen nods understandingly. “So you’ve had the clichéd ‘more attracted to the football team than the cheerleaders’ moment?”

Jared laughs, glancing down at his knees and relaxing just slightly. “Something like that.”

“Fair enough.”

“Don’t, uh …” Jared takes a deep breath. “Nobody else knows, so don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Who would I tell?” Jensen grins, but he hopes Jared can tell he’s being sincere.

Jared shrugs noncommittally. “Do the guys at the shop know? That you are?”

“Steve’s the only one, other than me and Chris. It’s a small business. There’s this guy named Mitch who works on the occasional car for us when he has time off, but it’s mostly just the three of us. And, well, Steve’s never, like, caught me wearing spandex or rockin’ out to Madonna or anything like that. But he’s also never seen me with a chick, so … I guess I figure he assumes I’m either gay or I have some kind of horrible, infectious disease I’m just not telling him about.”

Jared laughs quietly. “What about Christian?” he asks. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry, just – ”

“It’s okay,” Jensen cuts in. “Chris … yeah, Christian definitely knows. He, uh …” He blows out a heavy sigh. “God, where do I even start about him. He was my older brother’s best friend since they were kids, so he was always around when I was growing up. We were never _friends_ exactly, but you know. But then after Josh went off to school, I never really saw Chris anymore until this one night … I was eighteen.”

He pauses for a long minute, and Jared frowns beside him.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he says softly.

“No, it’s … I don’t mind. It’s just been a long time since I thought about it.” Jensen presses his lips together momentarily and then shakes his head a little and continues. “I’d just come out to my parents. I’d known I was gay for a while, and I figured it was time, y’know? We’d always been close and I hated lying to them. But they totally freaked out. I wasn’t expecting them to be all that cool about it, but I didn’t think it’d be like _that_. They – well, my dad mostly, he started going on about Hell and how I was just confused and all that. And I told them I wasn’t confused at all, that I’d known for a long time who I was and that I wasn’t gonna change, so he kicked me out. Just like that.”

“Wow, that … that sucks,” Jared whispers.

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, huffing in annoyance at the memory. “So, I’d just graduated high school like a week before, didn’t even have a summer job yet or anything, and I’m wandering the streets with nothing but a few bucks and a backpack full of whatever shit I could grab in the, like, ten minutes my dad gave me to pack up my stuff. I had no money, nowhere to go, I was totally screwed. And then this black pickup pulls up beside me and the window rolls down, and it’s frickin’ Kane. I hadn’t seen him in probably four years, and he just shows up the night I happen to be homeless.” Jensen chuckles a little. “It was like fate or somethin’, man, it was weird.”

“That is weird,” Jared replies.

“So he asks me what the hell I’m doing out in the middle of the night, and I ... I just told him everything. Don’t even remember why, it all just came out.” Jensen shakes his head again, fondly this time. “When I got to the part where my dad told me to leave, Christian gets out and manhandles me into the passenger’s seat and tells me he’s taking me home, that he’s coming with me and we’ll get it all sorted out. ‘Course that doesn’t work at all. My parents didn’t really appreciate this long-haired, leather-wearing guy they hadn’t seen in years barging into their house and telling them they’re being assholes. It was a gong show, seriously. I was a mess, I was so scared I couldn’t even move, and my mom was crying and Chris and my dad were _screaming_ at each other …”

Jensen takes a deep breath, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Jared moves a little beside him, and for a second Jensen thinks Jared’s going to put a hand on his leg or something, but Jared doesn’t.

“Anyway. Eventually I guess Chris realized my folks weren’t backing down so we left. And I … I just lost it. I mean, I was sitting in his truck sobbing like a little kid, like my entire _world_ just ended. Which, I guess in a way, it … well. Yeah. Point of the story is, Christian was the one who was there for me, y’know? He – rescued me. He didn’t make fun of me for crying, he just kinda hugged me and told me it would be okay. And then when he found out I had nowhere to go, he told me he had a place here, said I could come stay with him for a few weeks till I got things figured out. And then it turned out I was pretty good with cars, and I guess I was easy enough to live with cause a few weeks turned into a few months and, well, it’s been almost seven years and I still haven’t left.”

Jared exhales. “Wow. That’s … wow. Guess that’s what you meant about him taking you in.”

“Yeah. He literally did. I really don’t know what I would’ve done if he hadn’t.”

“Are things with your parents still …?”

“Yep. At the beginning, my mom tried. She’d call once a month or so, beg me to find a church and confess my sins and repent so I could come home. She’d tell me how pretty some girl I went to school with had gotten, like she thought she could turn me back. But I kept telling her I wasn’t gonna change, and eventually she gave up. I haven’t seen them in … shit, in like two years. Not since this recital thing Mack did. And I didn’t actually talk to them or anything, I just saw them from across the room. Oh, Mack is my sister.”

Jared nods. Jensen leans back again, resting against the cushions and looking over at Jared. There’s a sad look on his face, and Jensen doesn’t really like that he’s the one who put it there. “That’s awful.”

Jensen shrugs. He’s never actually told anyone that story before, expect for Christian on the night it happened, and he feels strangely ripped open by it. Like Jared knows a piece of him now that Jensen’s always worked so hard to keep locked away. “Guess I figure if they don’t love me enough to accept me for who I am, they never really loved me that much in the first place, so. I’m better off without them anyway.”

“Yeah. Your parents are the ones who’re _supposed_ to love you no matter what, though.”

When Jensen glances at him again, Jared’s expression has gone even darker than it was before, and there’s a tingly feeling in Jensen’s gut that makes him feel like Jared isn’t just talking about Jensen’s parents.

“How come you live with your uncle?” he asks, and then hates himself for it when Jared sighs and looks away. “Sorry. That’s none of my business.”

“No, it’s … you just practically told me your whole life story, and …”

“Hey.” Jensen reaches over and takes Jared’s hand, squeezing it gently and smiling at Jared when he looks up into Jensen’s eyes. “I didn’t tell you all that ‘cause I wanted something in return, okay? It isn’t a contest.”

Jared nods, but he still looks … lost. Or broken, or something equally horrible, and Jensen wracks his brain for something to do to take that look off Jared’s face.

“Come with me,” he says, standing up but not letting go of Jared’s hand.

He takes Jared out to the balcony behind the kitchen. They aren’t up all that high, it’s only a two-story building, but there aren’t many other tall buildings around so there’s a perfect view of the Dallas skyline. Jensen loves it out here. The sunsets are spectacular, and when it’s dark out like it is now the lights of downtown are mesmerizing.

“Wow,” Jared says again.

“I sit out here for hours sometimes.”

“I think I would too.”

Jensen gets lost in it for a moment, in the kaleidoscope effect of thousands of lights against the black sky, and it’s at least a full minute before he even realizes he’s still holding Jared’s hand.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, letting go, but Jared shakes his head.

“S’okay. I, um …” he pauses and swallows; Jensen can hear his throat click. Jared stares straight ahead as he speaks, like he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get the words out if he’s looking at Jensen. “I like you.”

“Oh.” Jensen isn’t sure how to respond to that because he’s not positive what Jared means by it. He knows what he _wants_ Jared to mean, though, and the tiny glimmer of hope in his chest has his heartbeat picking up its tempo.

“Like as, you know. Not … a friend. I mean, that too, but …” Jared sighs, like he’s frustrated with himself, and runs a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I’m not good at this.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I’m not really either.”

“I’ve never done this before,” Jared says softly, and Jensen can’t take not being able to see his eyes anymore.

He reaches up, sliding his hand over Jared’s cheek and cupping it, turning Jared’s head gently and smiling at him. Jared looks nervous, but he smiles back, his multicolored eyes turned to blue in the faint light from the streetlamps below.

“Can I kiss you?” Jensen asks. Jared bites his lip but then he nods, and Jensen leans up and brushes his lips just barely over Jared’s.

Jensen’s kissed enough people to know that thing about fireworks everyone talks about in junior high isn’t actually a thing. But when Jared’s lips touch his, it’s about as close as Jensen’s ever come. It isn’t fireworks but there’s _something_ ; heat, electricity, whatever; something different from anyone Jensen’s ever kissed before. Jared’s lips are soft and full and tentative at first, but when Jensen opens his mouth just a little to deepen it, Jared hums a little and leans further into it, and Jensen feels the vibration that ricochets between them all the way to his toes. It’s slow and a little bit unsure, like first kisses always are, but it’s sort of perfect in its imperfection. He slides his hand up to cup the back of Jared’s head so he can pull him down a little more – and _man_ , Jensen is the last person in the world who would’ve thought he’d enjoy the fact that Jared has to lean down to kiss him, but now that it’s happening he _really_ does – and Jared’s hair is soft and silky between Jensen’s fingers.

It’s a _good_ kiss. Definitely one of the better ones Jensen’s ever had. He licks at Jared’s lips and Jared opens up to let him in, lets Jensen explore the cavern of his mouth with his tongue. He’s just as eager as Jensen is, even if maybe not as skillful, and he dips his tongue into Jensen’s mouth too and lets them slide together in delicious, wet sweeps that have Jensen’s head spinning. When Jared finally pulls away to gasp for breath, Jensen only lets them both take one or two and then he goes back in. He slides his hand through Jared’s hair and wraps the other one around the middle of Jared’s back. Jared steps into him a little closer, and the warmth from his body wraps Jensen up like a blanket and he wishes he never had to move away from this spot. Jensen spent a good enough portion of his life feeling like he didn’t _quite_ belong to know what it feels like when he does, and in this moment, he feels like it’s right here. Like pressed up against Jared is exactly where he’s supposed to be. It’s like a drug that he’s instantly addicted to, and Jensen is in _way_ over his head this time but he doesn’t even care.

____

  
Jared loves his bedroom. It used to be a study, before Jim let Jared move in with him, and even after Jared took it over, Jim left the big desk and the computer and a comfortable loveseat next to a towering bookcase right where they had been. He said it was because he never used them anyway, but Jared’s always secretly suspected it had something to do with him doing whatever he could think of to make a thirteen-year-old Jared happy after everything that happened. Jared doesn’t really think _anything_ could have made him happy back then, not for a long time anyway, but now he loves it here.

The books are the best. He never says that out loud because Chad would never let him live it down – the only people who like books are nerds and Chad is about eleven years old on the inside so he hates nerds – but there are lots of full Saturday afternoons when Jared does nothing but curl up on the loveseat and read. _Lord Of The Flies_ is his favorite. And _The Great Gatsby_. And _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. Alright, so he can’t actually pick a favorite. And his bed is big and comfortable and piled high with thick blankets because it’s an old house and not very well insulated and Jared is always cold at night even though it’s Texas. There have been a lot of days over the past eight years when Jared has very happily stayed in this room for twenty-four hours at a time with the exception of meals and going across the hall to use the bathroom. It’s his safe place. The one place in the world where nothing can hurt him except for the occasional nightmare, and a month ago Jared would have laughed if someone told him he’d be sitting on his bed wishing he was brave enough to be somewhere else.

But he is.

He left Jensen’s not too long after they kissed on the balcony. Not because he was freaked out by it – although he was, at least a little – but because he has an asshole-early class tomorrow and, also, he wanted really badly to let Jensen take it further than a kiss. _Really_ badly. He wanted … everything. He doesn’t even really know what everything is, but he wanted it all. Jensen is intoxicating. Just being around him has Jared forgetting everything that’s ever happened to him and everything he’s ever been so afraid to let himself want. And that, more than anything, is the part that scares him. He’s worried, even after one kiss, that he’ll lose track of himself and just let Jensen have whatever he wants and then, in the morning, he’ll remember all the reasons he shouldn’t have done it. Jared’s not sure he could handle that. It took him a damn long time to get himself to a place where he feels like he can be a functioning member of society – going to school and having friends and not feeling like spending every day hiding in his bed with tears on his pillow – and Jensen is the one person who could so easily shatter all that to pieces. And Jared’s afraid of it, but he’s still inclined to let him.

It might not be a bad thing. Jared really does like him, and _God_ , kissing him felt amazing. Kissing a girl was always just lips and tongues and wet, spit-flavored skin and Jared never understood why people got so excited about it. It didn’t feel _bad_ , but it was boring. Kissing Jensen was like magic. There’s a very decent possibility that he could be really good for Jared. He could be the kind of person Jared never truly believed existed; someone who could love him even though he’s damaged, someone who could make all Jared’s scars not matter anymore. But there are so many _what-ifs_ that Jared doesn’t know if it’s a risk he can take. Because he has so, _so_ much to lose if things go wrong. That’s the logical part of his brain, though. The part that wants to protect him from ever being hurt again. His heart – or wherever it is emotions come from; the ventral tegmental area and the ventral pallidum, if the guy who teaches his neurobiology class has any idea what he’s talking about – just wants Jensen. It wants to be back there in that apartment, with Jensen’s lips so soft and insistent against his, Jensen’s warm hands on the small of his back or in his hair, Jensen’s smell in his nose and in his head, Jensen’s presence soothing the wounds that are old but somehow still fresh at the same time.

It’s equal parts exhilarating and terrifying, and all in all it just kind of makes Jared feel vaguely sick. He honestly never thought this would happen to him. Jared had made his peace with the fact that there are some people on this earth who just don’t get to have things like happy, loving relationships, and that he was just one of those people. He was okay with it. He has his uncle and his friends and his classes, and eventually he’ll graduate and get some kind of job and then he’ll have that too. He could always get a dog to keep him company if he ever got lonely. He really thought it would be enough. Maybe he’d just _convinced_ himself it was enough because it was better than wasting time wishing for something he’d never have, but either way, Jared was happy enough with the idea that his life had gotten as good as it would ever get. It was a hell of a lot better than before, when he lived with his dad and felt like throwing himself off a cliff every day for years, so it was good enough. Jared lived in a world full of _good enoughs_. And then Jensen came into his life and turned everything inside out and upside down, and Jared wants him so damn badly but he doesn’t know what to do with that. He doesn’t know how to do any of this.

He takes a shower to take his mind off it, and he gets himself off under the hot spray – more out of habit than anything else – and there maybe, _maybe_ , are full lips and spiky, dark blond hair and round, bright green eyes in his mind while he does, but he figures he’s entitled to that as long as he keeps it to himself. His hand feels good against his hard cock, warm from the water and slick with soap that smells like men’s cologne and just further reminds him of Jensen, but not as good as he thinks Jensen’s hand would feel. Jared comes when he imagines Jensen doing the same thing he is; standing in his own shower with his hand wrapped around himself, thinking about Jared the way Jared is thinking about him. There’s _wrongness_ to it that makes the whole thing a lot hotter than maybe it should.

Jim is home by the time Jared rinses off and gets dressed and rubs a towel lazily over his hair. Jared can hear him moving around downstairs, so after he brushes his teeth he jogs down the stairs and follows the source of the noise into the kitchen. Jim’s rummaging through a drawer with his back to Jared, cursing under his breath, and Jared grins.

“Lost something?”

Jim looks up quickly, and then exhales heavily and closes his eyes. “Shit. You startled me.”

“Sorry.”

“And yeah, can opener. I’m starving. Any ideas?”

“We keep in it the next drawer,” Jared tells him, smiling to himself. Jim never has any idea where anything is even though he’s lived in this house for close to thirty years.

“Oh. Since when?”

“Since always. Don’t know how you ever survived without me.”

Jim rolls his eyes in that gruff, no-nonsense way of his, but then he mumbles, “Me neither, kid,” and Jared can tell he means that.

Jared sits down at the kitchen table, running a hand over his still-wet hair, pushing it out of his eyes and watching as Jim pours soup into a saucepan and sets it down on the stove.

“You hungry?” he asks.

Jared shakes his head. “Was just about to go to bed, but then I heard you come in.”

“Where were you tonight?”

Jared frowns. “How did you know I was out?”

“Because your shoes aren’t where they were when I left.”

“You keep track of where I put my shoes?”

“I don’t keep track of it. I just happened to notice it.” Jim looks over his shoulder and raises an eyebrow. “Y’know, I was just askin’ to make conversation, but now you’re makin’ me think you were out doin’ something you shouldn’t’a been.”

Jared sighs a little and leans back in his chair. “Nothin’ like that. Just out with a friend.”

“Chad?”

“New friend.”

“Oh. A, uh, female friend?” Jim asks knowingly.

“Not as far as I know,” Jared says honestly. “Although I guess she could just have a really bad case of man-face.”

Jim laughs. “Fair enough. Name?”

“Jensen.”

“What kinda name is Jensen?”

“I don’t know.” Jared actually really likes Jensen’s name. He likes that it’s unusual.

“You meet him at school, or …?”

“What’s with all the questions?”

Jim chuckles and holds his hands up, palms out, in surrender. “Okay. You’re right. You’re an adult. I’m just lookin’ out for ya.”

Jared looks down at the table and smiles again. “Yeah. I know you are. But don’t worry, alright? He’s a good guy.”

“Good to hear.”

“Yeah.” Jared stands up, fidgeting just a little as he does. He didn’t really just lie to his uncle, not _technically_ anyway, but somehow it still feels like he did, and he’s not sure if he likes how that feels. It feels like he’s hiding what he and Jensen did tonight because there’s something wrong with it, and there kind of is but Jared wishes there wasn’t. “Well … guess I’ll head upstairs.”

“You want me to wake you up tomorrow?”

“No, I’ll set my alarm. But if I’m not up by …” Jared thinks about it for a moment. “Say, seven-thirty? Feel free to throw something at me.”

“Will do. Don’t get pissed if it’s something heavy.”

“I’ll try not to. G’night, Jim.”

“Night kid.”

Jared wanders back up to his room, flicking off the light and collapsing down onto his bed. He turns on the lamp and tries to read for a while, but after a few minutes he notices he’s read the same sentence probably ten times over and can’t remember what it said, so he gives up and tosses the book down onto the floor. He rubs his face with his hands and sighs, and then he turns the lamp off and rolls over to face the wall. He’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t see sparkly green eyes and a bright, white-toothed smile on the insides of his eyelids, but he’s not sure he’s happy about it. He doesn’t know a lot about this sort of thing but he thinks it’s too soon for him to be thinking about Jensen this much. Especially since he’s not _completely_ sure he wants to be someone who likes men. Being into Jensen would change _everything_ , and Jared doesn’t know for sure whether or not that’s a good thing. Change has not always been good to him in the past.

It takes Jared a really long time to fall asleep. The truth is, he’s comfortable in his little bubble. He knows exactly what to expect out of every situation. Everything is in his control. It’s how he keeps himself safe. And Jensen’s presence in his life is threatening to pop that bubble and Jared doesn’t know if he’ll be okay without it.

_If you have love, you don’t need to have anything else. If you don’t have it, it doesn’t much matter what else you have. – J.M. Barrie_


	3. Chapter 3

_There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. – Friedrich Nietzsche_

On his way home from school a few days later, Jared stops by the shop. It wasn’t even a conscious decision to do it, it was like his body decided it wanted to go there of its own accord and then his feet carried him there before Jared realized what was happening. He doesn’t even know if Jensen’s working today or if he’ll be too busy to see Jared or anything, he just heads there automatically with his brain almost not even in on what his legs are doing. And then he stands outside for a couple of minutes trying to convince himself to either go in or walk away. He _should_ just go home, it probably isn’t very polite to just show up unannounced at somebody’s workplace, but he can see Jensen through the window and Jared can’t leave. He needs to see him, needs it like the Jensen-junkie he apparently already is.

Eventually, Jared manages to work up the courage to walk into the office, the little bell above the door ringing and announcing his presence. Jensen looks up at the noise, and he looks surprised for half a second but then his face breaks into a big smile, and Jared relaxes just a little bit.

“Hey!” Jensen says enthusiastically, like he’s genuinely happy to see Jared.

“Hey,” Jared answers, returning his smile.

“What’re you doin’ here?”

Jared shrugs. “Was walking home from school, thought I’d just … stop by.”

“Awesome! Just, uh, just gimme a second, okay?”

Jared nods, and then watches as Jensen types a couple numbers into a calculator and then scribbles something on a piece of paper. He frowns, flips the pencil over to erase something, and then continues writing for a minute or so. Then he looks back up and grins again, and stands up.

“You picked a good day, I’m here alone. Chris is upstairs sleeping off a massive hangover and Steve is … I don’t even know. Something about his wife, and blah blah blah married-people-problems. I wasn’t really listening.”

Jared chuckles. “Those are the worst, I bet.”

“Right?” Jensen agrees with a grimace. “But there’s only one car here so it worked out. How were your classes?”

“Confusing. Intro to Solar Systems. It’s a first year course, it should be super easy, but it’s totally not. Space is too big, man, I can’t wrap my head around it. Black holes confuse the hell outta me.”

“Shit. Yeah, me too. Luckily they don’t come up much in my line of work.” Jensen laughs, and then he gives Jared a funny look, like he’s trying to decide something. He walks over to where Jared’s standing a few seconds later and pulls him down into a hug.

Jared hugs him back, sliding his arms around Jensen’s back and leaning down to rest his forehead against Jensen’s neck for just a moment. He smells good, like that Jensen-smell Jared remembers mixed with the metallic smell of the cars he works with.

“M’really happy to see you. Thought I might’ve freaked you out, last time.”

Jared shakes his head. “You didn’t.” It isn’t entirely true, but Jared still feels _right_ in this spot, tucked up against Jensen’s chest, so he figures that must mean something.

“You wanna learn somethin’ about cars?” Jensen asks, pulling away and looking up at Jared.

“Sure.”

“C’mon.”

Jensen leads him out into the garage, where there’s a red, sporty-looking car parked with its hood popped open.

“It’s a 1990 Corvette ZR1,” Jensen says, walking around to the front of it, and Jared follows him and looks inside. “Supercharged 6.2 liter V8 engine.”

“Like the vegetable juice?” Jared jokes, and Jensen laughs again. Jared really, really likes his laugh. It lights up his whole face, and makes his eyes crinkle at the edges.

“It means an engine with eight cylinders, four on each side and angled out so they make a V shape. This one is a modified version of the LS3 Corvette engine from the early seventies, which was like the best engine in the world at the time. This is the most powerful car GM makes. 620 horsepower. This thing can go, like, crazy fast. Not that there’s anywhere around here where you could actually max it out, but y’know. Guys and fast cars. Kinda like chicks and chocolate. Or so they tell me.”

Jared nods. “I don’t know how you ever figure out how any of this works. It looks like a mess to me.”

“It’s like anything, I guess. You spend enough time with it, you get good at it. Carburetor, that’s what blends air and fuel, and meters the flow of air being pulled into the engine. Spark plugs deliver electrical currents from the ignition system to the combustion chamber. And then the pistons transfer the force from expanding gas in the cylinder to the crankshaft, and the crankshaft is the thing that rotates to make the wheels turn.”

Jared blinks, trying to retain even a little bit of what Jensen just said, but it’s way beyond him. “I think I prefer black holes.”

Jensen smiles up at him, and Jared feels that flutter in his chest again that he’s not entirely sure he likes.

“I, um. I had fun, the other night,” Jensen says quietly.

“Yeah. So did I.” It almost feels like he’s admitting to some kind of shameful secret, even though Jared doesn’t _like_ that it feels that way. There’s more he wants to say, but he isn’t sure what it is exactly, so he doesn’t say anything.

“Look, you … I know it’s not really any of my business, especially since I don’t know you all that well yet. But you know that this is okay, right?”

“What’s okay?”

“Kissing me. Being gay.”

Jared opens his mouth but Jensen holds up his hands before Jared has a chance to get the words out.

“I’m not saying you are,” he says quickly. “I know you’re not sure. But just … _if_ you are, that’s okay.”

Jared says, “Yeah,” because he doesn’t know what else to say. Mostly, he just wants Jensen back close to him again, and to stop having to think about what that means.

“I know, alright? I know how hard this is. It’s easy for me to stand here and talk about this like it isn’t a big deal because it’s already in the past for me, but I know when you’re in the middle of it, it’s the _biggest_ deal.” Jensen’s voice is soft and gentle, and Jared almost wants to feel condescended to but he just feels … protected. Like everything he is or might be is okay if he’s with Jensen. “I struggled with it too. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it now, but I really did. We’re all brought up to think we should be a certain way, you know? And it’s really tough to figure out you’re something else. But there is nothing wrong with you, Jared. Nothing. No matter what anyone says.”

Jared nods and sighs, leaning against the side of the car. Jensen joins him, not quite touching but close enough for Jared to feel the heat from his body.

“It’s normal to try to fight it,” Jensen continues. “I sure as hell did. And lots of guys fight it for their whole lives. But you wanna know what happens to you if you do that?”

“What?”

“You’re miserable. You end up with friends you hate because they don’t know the real you, a wife who you don’t love the way either of you deserve because you _can’t_ love her that way, and a bunch of kids you’ll ultimately resent because they’re the product of a life you never wanted.”

Jared swallows thickly and nods again. It does sort of help to know that Jensen felt at one point what Jared’s feeling now. And it isn’t even that he’s not sure anymore – he knew the second Jensen’s lips first touched his how radically different it was from any girl Jared’s ever kissed – it’s that he’s afraid of where’s it’s all going. If Jared does this, if he admits to himself that he wants Jensen and lets himself have this, he’s just opening himself up to getting hurt in so many different ways, and Jared’s spent the last eight years set on permanent defense mode when it comes to the idea of getting hurt. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it anymore. His body does it automatically, like it’s an instinctual response to shield itself.

“I won’t lie to you, it isn’t easy for anybody. There will be people, like my asshole parents, who won’t want anything to do with you anymore. But that’s their loss, not yours. And then there will be people, like Christian, who’ll love you exactly the same even though you’re different than them. And it sucks at first to think about losing people but at the end of the day, the people who don’t accept you for who you are don’t deserve you in their lives anyway, right?”

Jared still doesn’t say anything, because he can’t. He’s almost paralyzed, although his mind is still going a million miles a minute. Something feels important about this moment, and it’s wonderful and terrible all at the same time and Jared can’t breathe.

“I’m not gonna push you. It’s your life and it’s your choice. But I just … I really, really like you. And if you want to be with me, then that’s what I want too.”

When Jared still doesn’t speak, Jensen reaches tentatively over and takes Jared’s hand. He squeezes it, and then he lifts it up to his lips and kisses the back of it. Finally, Jared finds the courage to look over at him. He’s watching Jared apprehensively, his green eyes wide and unblinking like he’s just as nervous as Jared is, and for whatever reason that’s what makes Jared feel like everything he’s feeling right now is okay. He smiles a little and squeezes Jensen’s hand back, and then he leans over and kisses him. It’s easy and unhurried like the first time, but somehow this one feels even more significant than that one did. Jared feels like this one means more. Jensen slides a hand into Jared’s hair after a moment, pushing himself up off the car and moving in front of Jared so he can lean against him, pressing him into the metal door as he brushes his lips over Jared’s. He’s warm and solid against Jared’s body, slotting into him perfectly like he was made to fit there.

“Is that a yes?” Jensen asks into Jared’s lips, and Jared can hear the smile on his face even though he can’t see it.

“Yeah,” he breathes, sliding his hands down Jensen’s back. They itch to push up under Jensen’s shirt, to feel the skin underneath, but Jared holds back. “I … we gotta go slow, though, okay? I’m new at this.”

“I know.” Jensen drags his fingers feather-light over Jared’s cheek and looks up at him with those bright, sparkly eyes that are going to make Jared’s heart stop beating one of these days. “I don’t just wanna have sex with you. I like you as more than that. And I’m not exactly a pro at this either. I’ve never been _more_ to somebody, you know? So we’ll figure it out together.”

Jared kisses Jensen again because it’s like a drug he wouldn’t care if he overdosed on, and then Jensen pulls him down so their foreheads are resting together and drapes his arms over Jared’s shoulders. Jared feels _safe_ here, right here in this spot where nothing matters but the two of them, and that in itself is sort of astonishing because outside of his own house, Jared hardly ever feels safe anywhere. It’s Jensen, though. Jensen makes Jared feel like nothing bad will ever happen to him again as long as Jensen’s arms are around him.

“Sounds good.”

____

  
“Why didn’t the melons get married?” Jared asks, instead of saying hello, the second Jensen opens the door.

He blinks. “What?”

“It’s a joke! Why didn’t the melons get married.”

“Oh. I … have no idea.”

“Because they cantaloupe.”

Jensen stares at him for half a second, completely confused, but then he gets it and he cracks up. “That’s horrible! Where did you hear that?”

“It’s hilarious. And I didn’t hear it anywhere, I made it up.”

“You’re about six years old on the inside, huh?” Jensen asks, still chuckling, and Jared grins.

“Sorta.” He grabs Jensen around the waist and pulls him in, leaning down to kiss him. “Hi.”

“Mm, hi,” Jensen answers.

Jared, it turns out, is awesome. Jensen already kind of knew that, but it’s nice to know it for sure. He learns it more and more every minute he spends with Jared. He’s sweet and kind and genuine, crazy smart even though he’s humble about it, and once he gets to know someone well enough to let his walls come down a little, he’s funny and silly and he’s got this wonderfully goofy sense of humor. He has a kind of zest for life, kind of like Christian, and Jensen’s suspected right from the beginning that Jared has been through something really terrible and that makes his optimism all the more impressive. He hasn’t asked, and he won’t, but Jensen thinks maybe the reason Jared lives with his uncle is because his parents are dead. It makes him sad to think about, but then Jared kisses him again and Jensen can’t really think about anything else.

His lips brush against Jensen’s softly but it turns heated quickly, Jensen sliding his fingers into Jared’s hair and pulling him in a little closer. Jared hums into it, licking at the seam of Jensen’s lips and sweeping his tongue inside when Jensen opens up for him. It’s only been a couple of weeks but Jared has gotten really, _really_ good at this. Jensen likes to think he taught Jared a thing or two, but he’s probably also just a natural. Or, and this is the most likely scenario, Jared just never felt quite right when he was kissing a girl and now that he’s with Jensen, he can let himself get into it. Jensen remembers that well – awkwardly fumbling his way through making out with a girl in the eighth or ninth grade and wondering if maybe kissing just wasn’t for him, and then finally trying it with another guy and thinking; okay, _this_ is what it’s supposed to feel like.

He pushes Jared back into the door, leaning into him so they’re pressed completely together, and keeps on kissing him until he starts to lose the feeling in his lips, and even then he doesn’t stop. He rolls his hips forward just slightly, and Jared’s not-quite-soft in his pants and neither is Jensen, and warmth spreads out to his extremities as he grinds his hips into Jared’s. This isn’t the first time that’s happened either, but it’s the first time Jensen’s felt like maybe they’re ready to do something about it. A moan passes through them and Jensen isn’t sure if it was him or Jared who made the noise, but it reverberates between their chests along with the electricity that pings back and forth along Jensen’s spine.

“I, uh. I made dinner,” he says, words slurred into Jared’s slick lips. “But it could be reheated later, if you wanna … do something.”

“Something like what?” Jared asks, maybe slightly apprehensively, but he keeps on kissing Jensen anyway, his hands sliding up under Jensen’s shirt.

“Whatever you’re comfortable with. Not everything. Just … something.” Jensen meant it when he said he’d go slow, and even though he _wants_ to just throw Jared down onto the bed and ravish him, he’ll keep his promise. And, as much as a couple months ago he wouldn’t have believed it, he actually _wants_ to go slow with Jared. He wants it to be something real between them, and if they sleep together too fast it might ruin that.

Jared nods, cupping his big hands around Jensen’s hips, his thumbs rubbing slow arcs into Jensen’s skin. “Yeah. Okay.”

Jensen smiles, and kisses the corner of his mouth one more time, and then he takes Jared’s hand and leads him up the stairs and into the apartment. Once they’re on the second floor, Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist from behind and kisses his neck. Jensen turns around in his arms, catching his lips in a hard kiss and then walking them backwards toward the bedroom. The side of his hip bumps the kitchen table, but other then that he manages to get them there without tripping and falling in a heap all over each other. Not that Jensen would be too upset if that _had_ happened. He pulls Jared down onto the bed on top of him, shuffling back up until his head hits a pillow and then tugging Jared by his shirt so he’s blanketing Jensen with his body. He’s enormous, when he’s surrounding Jensen like this, and Jensen really, really likes that. He likes feeling completely enveloped by Jared – all his senses overwhelmed by him. The feeling of him, warm and solid, the smell of shampoo and deodorant, the sweet, mellow taste of the inside of his mouth, the breathless little noises he makes when Jensen cups his ass and pushes their groins closer together, the beautiful sight of his eyes dark and his cheeks stained pink and his lips shiny and kiss-bitten.

“What … what’re we …” Jared asks; his expression a little bit unsure and a little bit nervous but Jensen doesn’t miss the way he’s moving just slightly, rocking down into Jensen’s body. It’s minute, but it’s enough for Jensen to know Jared wants this too, even if he’s nervous.

“Anything,” Jensen tells him, cupping Jared’s face in his hands and kissing him softly. “It’s up to you.”

“I … um.” Jared sighs, like he’s frustrated, and drops his head down to rest his forehead against Jensen’s. Jensen moves one hand up to stroke through Jared’s hair.

“What?”

“M’sorry,” Jared mumbles, clearly annoyed with himself and if Jensen’s not mistaken, a little bit ashamed too. “I’m really bad at this.”

“C’mon, no you aren’t,” Jensen insists gently. “Nobody’s ever good at something they’ve never done before, right?”

“I guess.”

Jared doesn’t sound convinced, so Jensen rolls them over onto their sides so he can see Jared better. He drags his hand up Jared’s side in a way that he hopes is comforting, and then leans forward and kisses his forehead.

“Do you want this? ‘Cause if you don’t, all you gotta do is tell me. Admitting you might have feelings for another guy and actually doin’ somethin’ about it are two really different things. I get that. If you’re not ready yet, that’s okay.”

Jared shakes his head. “No, I … I want it.”

Jensen nods. “Okay. Then don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a learn-by-doing kinda thing, you know? ‘Sides, I kinda like that you’re … well. Let’s call it inexperienced.”

Jared sort of smiles and frowns at the same time. “Why?”

“‘Cause it means I get to teach you,” Jensen says, grinning and bumping Jared’s nose with his own.

Jared laughs just a little, and it has something warm and tingly spreading in Jensen’s chest. “Okay. Well, I’m all ears, then. What do we do?”

Jensen nudges him over onto his back and then climbs on top of him. He kisses Jared deeply, dipping his tongue into Jared’s mouth again, and grinding his hips down into Jared’s so their erections rub together over layers of denim.

“Feel good?” he asks.

Jared lets out a shuddery breath, and whispers, “Yeah.”

“So this time, we just do this.”

“Really?” Jared asks skeptically, and Jensen shrugs.

“Why not?”

“‘Cause I didn’t bring a second pair of boxers.”

For a moment Jensen thinks he’s being serious, but then he sees the little smile curving Jared’s mouth upwards in the corners and realizes he isn’t. He chuckles and nips playfully at Jared’s bottom lip.

“What makes you think we’ll get to that point?” he asks. He rolls his hips down again, and Jared moans deep in his throat and his eyes flutter closed.

“If you keep doing that, we definitely will.”

Jensen smiles and dips down to lick at Jared’s neck, along the tendons and the up to the smooth line of his jaw. “You can go commando, then. Or you can borrow a pair of mine,” he says, and the look on Jared’s face says he thinks that’s just as hot as Jensen does.

He hasn’t actually done this since high school – grinding or dry-humping or whatever other not-at-all-creative names his classmates used to describe it – but even though Jensen’s used to going a lot further with a guy, it’s almost embarrassing how little time it takes to get his head spinning and chest heaving and nerves misfiring. Jared is quickly become a habit Jensen can’t break, and definitely doesn’t want to.

He ruts down against Jared, kissing him hard and loving the feeling of Jared’s strong hands running up and down his back, and the friction is just right; that intoxicating mix of way too much and not nearly enough. His boxers feel rough and too-dry against his aching erection but even that feels good in a way that Jensen’s sure it wouldn’t if it were someone else underneath him.

“Jensen,” Jared mumbles shakily, moaning again and squeezing handfuls of Jensen’s t-shirt.

“Yeah. Me too,” Jensen whispers back. He’s not even completely sure what Jared meant, but it doesn’t matter. It’s more important that Jared knows whatever he’s feeling, Jensen’s feeling it just as much.

Jared is nothing short of beautiful when he comes, eyebrows scrunching together and eyes slamming shut and mouth falling open on a silent moan. Jensen can’t remember the last time he was this turned on, which is all kinds of ridiculous because he’s done _way_ more erotic things than this with a whole host of gorgeous men, but there’s something about Jared that pushes all Jensen’s buttons exactly the way they want to be pushed, and it’s only another minute or so before Jensen gives in to the pleasure spiraling up his spine and lets himself come in his pants like he hasn’t since he was sixteen. He drops his head down to rest his forehead against Jared’s while his stomach flutters and his breathing slows back to normal, Jared’s hands still a heavy weight on the small of Jensen’s back and his breath warm against Jensen’s cheek. He reluctantly rolls off Jared after a few minutes, wincing a little at the sticky mess in his underwear and then glancing warily over at Jared to make sure he’s okay with what just happened.

There’s an unreadable look on Jared’s face – his eyes are a little bit glassy and dazed and his lips are still parted as he breathes, but he doesn’t look exactly happy. He looks overwhelmed, and Jensen quickly says, “Don’t freak out. This was okay too.”

“Just okay?”

Again, it takes Jensen a couple of seconds to realize Jared is kidding. And then he smiles, and Jared returns it. “Better than okay. Awesome. Fantastic. Whatever other adjectives.”

“It wasn’t too … I don’t know, like what teenagers are supposed to do?” Jared asks, just a hint of a frown playing along his forehead.

Jensen shrugs. “I mean, it is. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s a starting point, right?”

Jared nods. “Yeah. Okay.”

“C’mere.” Jensen reaches for him and pulls him in close, rolling onto his back so Jared can tuck himself up against Jensen’s side and rest his head on Jensen’s shoulder. It’s a little bit awkward since Jared’s bigger than he is, but it also feels really right in a way Jensen hadn’t expected. It feels like Jared belongs here, like his presence completes Jensen even though Jensen never realized he was _in_ complete without him.

“Can I ask you something?” Jared starts slowly.

“Sure.”

“When you’ve been with other people, other guys. Have you ever … um.”

“Been on the bottom?” Jensen asks, sensing where Jared’s going with that.

 “Yeah. That.”

“Yes. A couple times. Usually I’m not, though.”

Jared nods slowly. “So then, if we ever do it, I’d be …”

He trails off, and Jensen frowns. Jared doesn’t exactly sound upset about the idea of it, but he doesn’t sound particularly enthused either. More like he’s just mulling it over, trying to figure out how he feels about it.

“You don’t have to be anything,” Jensen tells him. “That’s not something we have to decide yet. There doesn’t have to be rules, either, like one of us always tops, you know? Lots of guys switch it up. And even then, it’s only if you want to, okay?”

“Does it hurt?”

“A little, at the beginning,” Jensen says honestly. “Your body kinda fights it at first, because … well.”

“Because it’s an exit?” Jared jokes, and Jensen’s never been more grateful for his sense of humor. He chuckles, and all the tension melts away from the moment.

 “Exactly. But then once you let yourself relax, it starts to feel really good.”

“Then why don’t you do it? Sorry, I’m asking too many questions.”

“No, it’s okay. Because …” It’s a fair question, but Jensen’s not sure he likes what the answer says about him. “I like to be in control, I guess. It’s more than that, though. It’s like … it’s a really big thing to trust someone you don’t know with something like that. I mean, you’re really – I guess, vulnerable, when you’re on the bottom. Emotionally it’s huge, but even physically, ‘cause if someone doesn’t do it right then it _can_ really hurt. It just always seemed like too much to trust a stranger with.”

“Were they all strangers?”

Jensen cringes. He used to like that about himself, that he was all about one-night-stands; no commitment, no emotional attachment. Just two people physically satisfying each other and then walking away, and no one getting hurt. But now that he has to tell that to Jared, Jensen sort of hates it. “Yeah. Mostly. I’ve never really been a relationship kinda guy. More of a _go to a bar and go home with someone who’s last name you don’t know_ kinda guy.”

Jared nods again. He still doesn’t seem upset, just contemplative. “Mind if I ask one more thing?”

Jensen smiles. “I really don’t.”

“What’s different about me? I mean, right from the beginning with me you’ve been all about … taking it slow, and all that. At first you didn’t even seem to care if it _ever_ led to anything else. So what’s … why was I the exception?”

“I don’t know, exactly. Everything is different about you. I can’t explain it, I just … the second I saw you, I mean, I thought you were hot, obviously. But I wanted more with you than just sex, and that’s never really happened to me before.”

“Me neither.”

Jared stays for the rest of the evening. Jensen lends him a pair of boxers like he said he would, and when Jared’s in the bathroom changing it occurs to Jensen that they’ll be a little too tight on him, which really shouldn’t turn him on as much as it does. He isn’t going to ask for it, but when Jared comes back out and he’s fully dressed, Jensen’s a little disappointed that he won’t get to see what his shorts look like on Jared’s bigger body. They heat up the meal Jensen made and eat at the little table in the kitchen which isn’t exactly romantic or anything but Jared keeps smiling at him and Jensen can’t keep himself from smiling back.

“You should stay over next time,” Jensen says as Jared’s pulling his jacket on at the door.

“You mean sleep here?”

“If you want.” Jensen smiles, he hopes nonchalantly. He doesn’t want it to sound like he’s pressuring Jared for more than what they did tonight, but he really likes the idea of waking up next to him. As stupid and sappy and un-Jensen as that is. “My place is closer to the campus, anyway.”

Jared nods. “Yeah. It is. Um, yeah, okay.”

“Really? You don’t have to, you know. It was just a thought.”

Jared shakes his head and wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist, pulling him in close and leaning down to kiss him. Jensen’s hands automatically slide up into Jared’s hair, and he kisses him slowly, loving the feeling of Jared’s lips against his. It’s really too bad Jensen has to eat and sleep and bathe and go to work, because if he didn’t, he’d quite happily spend the rest of his life kissing Jared.

“I’d love to,” Jared murmurs into Jensen’s mouth, nipping just slightly at his bottom lip. “But if I hog the covers or kick you in my sleep, remember you brought it on yourself.”

Jensen chuckles. “Do you snore?”

“I have no idea.”

“Guess I’ll find out.”

Jared smiles, big and bright and breathtakingly beautiful, and kisses the corner of Jensen’s mouth one more time. “Yes you will.”

____

  
“Got a hot date?” Jim asks casually, without looking up from the newspaper he has spread out on the kitchen table in front of him, as Jared passes by the open door on his way to the front hall.

“Just goin’ over to Jensen’s,” he answers, he hopes just as casually, as he pulls one shoe on and then digs around in the closet for the other one.

“You been spendin’ a lotta time over there,” Jim says, following Jared into the hallway and leaning his shoulder against the wall. “What’s up for tonight?”

Jared shrugs. “Nothin’ special. Couple’a guys are gonna watch the Stars game, have a few beers. I’ll probably end up crashing on his couch.”

He doesn’t look Jim in the eye as he locates his other shoe and pulls it on. It’s a lie, and Jared hates lying to Jim. There won’t be any other guys, and the Stars aren’t playing tonight as far as Jared knows. But Jim’s never been too into hockey, so Jared’s counting on the fact that he won’t know that. Jim is his family, his only family, but there are certain things he just doesn’t need to know, and the knowledge that Jared’s going over to another guy’s house for … well, for whatever it is they’re going to do tonight, is something Jim can definitely live without. Jared will tell him eventually – probably – but not tonight.

Jim doesn’t ask any more questions after that, they just chat about nothing for another minute or two, and Jared ducks out of there as quickly as he can without making it seem like that’s what he’s doing. He wants to run all the way to Jensen’s – and he could, it’s only a couple blocks – but he’d rather not be all sweaty and gross, at least before Jensen gets that way with him. Jared has to remind himself to breathe a few times as he walks, still a little faster than he normally would, because the relentless pounding of his heart is making him light-headed and the last thing he needs is to pass out on the sidewalk in front of the Corner Bakery. He’s as excited as he is nervous, and that now-familiar but still not entirely pleasant nauseous feeling is back. They didn’t actually discuss what they were going to do tonight, all Jensen said was “you should stay over next time,” but that in itself feels like a big step and Jared both wants it and is afraid to want it at the same time.

Jensen is as stunning as always when he pulls the door open – cheeks flushed a little from probably having jogged down the stairs – and his eyes are bright and his smile is big and authentic and it takes Jared’s breath away a little bit, like it always does. Jared will never understand how Jensen is a mechanic in Dallas instead of a model or a movie star or something. He could be either of those things probably without even trying, and sometimes being around him makes Jared feel like he’s some regular, average-looking guy on a date with Jennifer Aniston wondering how the hell someone who looks like him ended up with someone who looks like that. But then, Jared remembers that Jensen really could have any person he wanted in the whole city but he still chose Jared, and that makes Jared feel _good_ about himself for the first time in … well, maybe ever.

Jensen doesn’t even bother to say hello before he’s grabbing Jared by the front of his shirt and tugging him in for a kiss. Jared’s starting to think he likes kissing Jensen entirely too much to be healthy. He’s addicted to it, to the point that he almost feels like something’s missing from his soul when Jensen’s lips aren’t against his.

“Is it crazy that I missed you, even though I saw you yesterday?” Jensen asks, words slurred as he tries to speak and slide his tongue into Jared’s mouth at the same time.

“Yes,” Jared answers, running his hands down Jensen’s back and then pushing one up under Jensen’s t-shirt to feel his warm skin. “But I did too.”

“Chris caught me staring into space this morning at work, apparently I just stared off at nothing for like ten minutes before anyone bothered to bring me back.” Jensen nuzzles into Jared’s jaw and then nips at it. “I was thinkin’ about you. Kinda can’t stop thinkin’ about you.”

“Me neither.”

Jensen presses a few more kisses to the spot just below Jared’s ear, and then pulls back enough to grin up at him. “You’re okay with this, right? I didn’t push it on you?”

“Tonight, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

Jared shrugs a little, and probably only _mostly_ manages to mask the fact that he is a little bit nervous. “Just gonna spend the night. Not like we’re gettin’ hitched or something.”

Jensen chuckles. “We couldn’t anyway. They’d chase us with torches and pitchforks.”

“That kinda sucks.”

“That’s Texas. It’s the price we pay for sexy accents.”

“You don’t have an accent,” Jared points out.

“I do when I’m drunk.”

“Really.” Jared raises and eyebrow. “M’gonna have to check that out some time. Chad says I get really friendly when I’m drunk. Like, the inappropriate touching kind of friendly.”

Jensen laughs softly. He kisses Jared’s cheek and then mouths along it, moving in just a little closer so Jared can feel the heat from his body pressed all along his own. “That sounds fantastic. But for future reference, you can inappropriate-touch me any time you like. No booze required.”

Jared’s heart skips a beat or two, and he captures Jensen’s lips in another heated kiss to hide it.

In the end, they don’t go further than they already had. They eat a frozen lasagna and watch bad TV – Jensen, because he’s awesome, hates CSI as much as Jared does but it’s the only thing on other than local news and makeover shows – and since Jared has an early class in the morning, they go to bed before eleven and kiss with their heads on the same pillow until Jared’s lips go numb. Then Jensen just turns the light out, wraps Jared up in his arms, and closes his eyes. Jared falls asleep with the mellow, comforting smell of Jensen’s skin in his nose, and Jensen’s warmth surrounding him like a blanket. In a way, Jared’s slightly disappointed. But more importantly, he’s happy that they can just have that much without the pressure of more looming over his head. He feels safe with Jensen, and that all on its own is a minor miracle. What he has with Jensen is more than he ever thought he would have anyway, so anything else they might do in the future is just icing.

_Where there is great love, there are always miracles. – Willa Cather_


	4. Chapter 4

_You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. – Dr. Seuss_

“You don’t snore.”

Jared hears the words, or at least he thinks he does, but it takes his sleep-soaked brain a moment or two to remember what they mean. There’s a soft, tickling sensation on one of his eyelids and then the other, like someone’s kissing them. Jared thinks it’s a really strange dream. Then he realizes someone _is_ kissing them. He opens his eyes slowly, squinting in the sunlight filtering in through the curtains. Jensen’s face is too close to Jared’s to be in focus, so Jared lets his eyes fall closed again and instead brings one hand up to slide his palm over Jensen’s cheek. The slight stubble on his jaw is rough against Jared’s fingers; it makes his skin tingle.

“I don’t?”

“Nope. Or hog the covers or kick me in my sleep. Negative on all counts.”

Jared laughs quietly. He’s so warm and comfortable and still not-quite-awake, and it’s delicious. It’s like floating on a cloud, and he wants to stay here forever. “You’ll have to come up with another excuse if you ever wanna get rid of me, then.”

“Well, you could always _start_ snoring, like if you starting snorting cocaine or something.”

“Does that make people snore?”

“And die. So don’t do it.”

Jared shakes his head, still not opening his eyes, and laughing again. “What are we even talking about?”

“I’m asking you not to get addicted to illegal narcotics,” Jensen says, his voice somber even though Jared can tell he’s joking. “This is serious stuff. As is, unfortunately, the fact that you gotta get up or you’ll be late.”

Jared groans and burrows his face further into the pillow. “Don’t wanna. Five more minutes.”

Jensen snorts. “No more minutes. Your education is important, young man. ‘Specially if you don’t wanna end up a grease-monkey like me.”

Jared reluctantly opens one eye, and finds Jensen propped up on one elbow and smiling at him. “You’re awesome at your job.”

“I am,” Jensen agrees, leaning down and pressing a quick kiss to Jared’s lips. “And I look hot as all hell in cover-alls. Now get up.”

Jared groans again but Jensen’s right, so he listens. He showers while Jensen makes them breakfast, and then he quickly eats scrambled eggs and toast and then gathers all his stuff together and shoves it back into his backpack. At the door, Jensen drapes his arms over Jared’s shoulders, tangling his fingers in Jared’s hair, and kisses him slowly.

“I’ve never had someone sleep over just to … y’know, sleep,” he says.

“And?” Jared asks, sliding his arms around Jensen’s waist and threading his fingers together to keep him there.

“And I really liked waking up with you.” Jensen smiles, a little sheepishly, like he doesn’t think he should have said that out loud. “As … well. As totally gay as that is.”

Jared chuckles. “Well, so are you, so I guess that makes sense. Or whatever.”

“Or whatever,” Jensen agrees. “Now get outta here. But come back really soon.”

“I will.”

____

  
“So,” Chris starts, eyes sparkling mischievously. “Fun slumber-party last night?”

Jensen hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Jared all day. He sort of hasn’t been able to stop thinking about him since he met him, but it just keeps on getting worse. It’s like his head is in a permanent state of fuzziness whenever Jared’s not around. He almost poured anti-freeze into the place where the brake fluid goes on a Mustang this afternoon. It wouldn’t have done any serious damage, but even still Chris is probably never going to let him live that down, which is in part why the teasing has started less than a minute after they locked up the shop and started for the stairs to the second floor.

He rolls his eyes affectionately. “I guess, if you wanna put it that way.”

“How would _you_ put it?” Christian reaches the landing at the top of the stairs and unlocks the door; Jensen follows him inside. Chris tosses the keys onto the little table where they put the mail, toes out of his shoes, and flops unceremoniously onto the couch. Jensen does the same.

“I … it was …” Jensen chuckles reluctantly. “An adult sleepover.”

“Ooh.” Christian wiggles his eyebrows. “Sounds scandalous. You two didn’t make a peep, though. So what, is he no good in the sack?”

“No, we – nothing happened.” Jensen shakes his head. “We just slept.”

 

Chris looks up quickly, staring at Jensen like he’s suddenly grown an extra head. “You – shit, you serious? You just _slept_? Like, you didn’t do _anything_?”

Jensen shrugs. “Well, we made out for like an hour. But pretty much, yeah, just sleeping.”

Chris’s mouth opens and closes a few times, but he doesn’t say anything, and Jensen bristles a little.

“What?” he asks defensively. “You look like a fish.”

“You’ve known him for almost two months, that’s what,” Chris answers. “Usually by this point you’d have forgotten his name already.”

Jensen frowns and starts to protest, but Christian just gives him a _look_ , and he relents. “Okay, yeah, you’re right, it’s not really my style, but I … I don’t know. I really like him, and he wants to go slow, so. I’m going slow.”

“He didn’t just switch teams, did he?” Chris raises an eyebrow. “I mean, he has been with guys before, right?”

Jensen doesn’t respond. He pushes his tired body up off the couch and heads for the kitchen. Christian follows him but Jensen pretends not to notice. He opens the fridge and looks through it to avoid the question, but his non-answer is all the confirmation his roommate seems to need.

“Jensen!” he groans.

“What?” Jensen protests, letting the fridge door fall closed with a loud thump. “So he’s never been with a guy before, what’s wrong with that?”

“Do you even _remember_ what it was like when you were in his position?” Chris demands. “‘Cause I sure as hell do! You were a mess. Jen, you were fuckin’ miserable! Why would you wanna put yourself through all that again?”

“That – that’s not – ” Jensen stutters; he feels like he should be standing up for himself, or maybe for Jared, but he’s not really sure what he would say if he did.

“When you first started living here, after your dad kicked you out, do you remember what you said to me?” Chris continues firmly. “You said you hated going through life having to pretend to be someone you’re not. You made a promise to yourself that you’d never hide again, for anyone. Well I’ve got news for you, if you’re dating a guy who’s still in the closet, you’re gonna have to hide! Is that really what you want?”

“ _Jared_ is what I want!” Jensen snaps. “Sure, things would be easier if he was out, but he’s sweet and he’s funny and being around him makes me happy! He’s worth waiting for, and I don’t need to ask for your permission!”

Christian’s face softens just a little, and he exhales deeply. “Look, I – I’m sorry. I’m not attacking you, okay? I’m sure he’s great. I’m just trying to look out for you. Coming out is _hard_ , man. Nobody knows that more than you. It’s not your job to hold his hand through it.”

“What if I want to?”

Chris stares at him. “Why the hell would you _want_ to?”

“Because he means something to me? Because when you care about someone and there’s something you can do to help them, you do it? You helped _me_ through this. Why wouldn’t I wanna do it for someone else?’

“Jen, I … c’mon. I get all that. But it’s different. And don’t give me that look, you know it is. I helped you through it because you were my friend, not because I was try’na get in your pants. I’m just saying that shit like this can get really complicated.”

Jensen is the one who sighs this time, heavily and exhaustedly, collapsing down in one of the chairs and leaning his head down on his hands, elbows propped up on the Formica table. None of what Christian’s saying is anything Jensen hasn’t already thought of, but for some reason being with Jared seems more important than the details that threaten to keep them apart. “I know. I do, alright? But … what if he’s the guy I’m supposed to be with? Am I supposed to just kick him to the curb ‘cause it might be less complicated to be with someone else?”

Christian sits down across from him, a look on his face that’s halfway between deeply serious and confused. “If the you from two months ago could hear you talking about _the guy you’re supposed to be with_ , he’d laugh in your face _and_ call you a pussy.”

“Yeah. I know he would. But I … I mean, with Steve getting married and you gettin’ serious with Danni, I just … I don’t wanna be one of those sad old guys still in the clubs when he’s fifty while all his friends are at home with their families.”

“Okay, first, Danni and I are not anything close to serious.”

“Says you,” Jensen mutters immaturely, but Chris ignores him.

“And second, you’re talkin’ like you’re _already_ fifty. Dude, you’re twenty-five. Steve and I are way older than you.”

“You’re only four years older than me.”

“Well, even still. You’ve got a stupid amount of time left to find the right guy.”

Jensen looks at him for a moment. He knows Christian is his friend, his _best_ friend, and is just trying to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. But he’s maybe never meant anything more when he says, “What if I already did find the right guy?”

“You really think that? After two months?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know how anybody ever knows that for sure. But I … Chris, when I’m with him, I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Maybe ever. He’s everything I’ve ever been looking for, and he’s a bunch more shit I didn’t even realize I was looking for until I met him. And I know it’s sappy and I know it isn’t like me, but … I mean, if he makes me this happy without sex even being in the picture, don’t you think that means something? I don’t know what’s gonna happen with us. But don’t you think I owe it to myself to find out?”

Christian considers him for a moment, like he’s actually thinking about it. But then he nods, and says, “Yeah. I do. I still don’t think it’s gonna be easy on you. But if you think he’s it, you should go for it.”

____

  
“Remind me again what we’re doing here?” Jared asks, following Jensen way off the beaten path and into a clearing surrounded by huge Texas Cottonwoods. It’s pretty here; peaceful, but he hopes Jensen was paying attention to what direction they were heading in, because Jared wasn’t.

“You sound like you think I’m bringing you out here to murder you,” Jensen says, shooting a sideways glance and a grin at Jared.

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Are you?”

“No.”

“So then what? We’re just gonna sit on the ground and eat sandwiches?”

“You’ve never heard of a picnic before?”

“I’ve heard of them. I just thought the only people who went on them were couples in the fifties. Or large groups of Mexicans.”

Jensen snickers. “Racist.”

“It’s not racist if it’s accurate,” Jared returns, smiling over at Jensen, who laughs again.

“I guess so.” He stops walking and lifts the duffel bag off his shoulder, setting it on the ground and leaning over to unzip it. Jared tries not to be too obvious about checking out Jensen’s ass, and then he watches Jensen pull out a red and green checkered blanket and spread it out on the ground.

“How did you know this spot was here?” he asks.

“When I was a kid, we came to the city sometimes. We used to come to this park. This one time, this other little kid had lost his dog and my brother and I were helping him look for it. We found this place, and I don’t know, I always liked it. We’re in the middle of a city but it kinda felt like we were the only people in the world.” Jensen gets down to the ground with a soft grunt and sits with his legs crossed under him. He wipes the back of his hand across his forehead, and tugs the bag towards him and starts rummaging through it. “Then when I moved here, I wanted to see if I could find it again. Took me a while, and I almost got lost a bunch of times, but then I did.”

Jared nods and looks around again. He gets what Jensen means – being completely surrounded by the trees blocks out the noise from the city and makes Jared feel like he’s out in the middle of nowhere.

“Are you gonna sit down? Or are you still worried I’m plannin’ on offing you?” Jensen asks with a wry smile.

Jared smiles too, and then he joins Jensen on the blanket.

Jensen claps his hands and then rubs them together enthusiastically. “Okay, so, there’s sandwiches, chips, blueberries if you’re into healthy shit, and beer. Oh, and water. Are you hungry yet?”

“Not yet. I could eat, though, if you want to.”

Jensen shrugs. “We’ll just hang out for a while, then.”

“Okay. So what do we do?”

“What do you wanna do?”

“I’m not the picnic expert.”

Jensen looks at him, a frown and a soft, contemplative look crossing his face. “You’ve really never been on a picnic? Even when you were a kid?”

Jared shakes his head, and for just a moment Jensen looks like it’s one of the saddest things he’s ever heard. Then he waves his hand like he wants Jared to copy him, and lies down on his back on the blanket. It’s warm, so Jared pulls his hoodie off first, and then he lies next to Jensen.

“What do they look like?” Jensen asks, looking up at the sky.

Jared frowns. “What do what look like?”

“The clouds.”

“I … they look like clouds,” Jared says, confused, and Jensen chuckles and smacks him lightly on the arm.

“C’mon, grouch. It’s a game. You look at the clouds and try to see things.”

“Oh.” Jared squints up at the big, fluffy mounds floating along in the bright blue sky. “Um, that one kinda looks like a light bulb, I guess.”

“It totally does. I see that, like, André The Giant face. You know the one I mean?”

“Yeah. Where?”

Jensen points. “See, that’s the nose. And then the eyes just above it.”

Jared tilts his head to one side a little, trying to see it, and then he does. “That’s kinda freaky. It’s like he’s watching us.”

“Have you seen The Princess Bride?”

“Yes.” Jared imitates the thick accent as he quotes, “Anybody want a peanut?”

Jensen laughs, and the sound of it makes Jared smile. He rolls over onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow and looking down at Jensen’s face. Jensen’s eyes crinkle around the edges when he smiles, and Jared really, really likes that. The late afternoon sunlight peeks in and out of the clouds, casting long shadows and playing over Jensen’s face. It makes his skin look like it’s glowing; the cinnamon-colored freckles on his nose standing out even more than they usually do. And it’s almost like Jared can see _through_ his clear green eyes. He had never considered the possibility that he might find a man attractive before he met Jensen, but there isn’t one bit of Jensen that Jared doesn’t think is stunning.

“What?” Jensen asks, grinning up at him, and Jared shrugs.

“Nothin’. In, uh, in this light, you look really …”

He doesn’t finish the sentence; instead he just drops his gaze and puts his free hand in the middle of Jensen’s chest. He rubs his thumb back and forth a little, watching it move over Jensen’s shirt. Jensen slides his hands up from where they were resting on his stomach, taking Jared’s hand in both of his.

“You do too.”

Jared smiles for what feels like the millionth time in the last twenty minutes, and he leans down and presses his lips softly against Jensen’s.

“I was gonna say ugly,” he teases, and Jensen laughs and smacks him again.

“Jerk.”

Jared chuckles. Then something occurs to him and he frowns down at Jensen. “Did you find the dog?”

“What dog?”

“When you were little. The one that other kid lost.”

“Oh.” There’s a funny expression on Jensen’s face – like he’s pleasantly surprised to find out Jared cares about that. “Yeah, we did.”

“Good.”

He kisses Jensen again because Jensen’s lips have become Jared’s nicotine. It’s the first time he’s ever kissed Jensen in public. It’s the first time he’s ever kissed _anyone_ in public, but because Jensen is male it seems more significant. There isn’t anybody around, so it isn’t _quite_ the same as if they were in a crowded grocery store or something, but to Jared it still feels like a big step. Someone _could_ come along, they are in a public park, and the thought makes Jared’s heartbeat speed up a little but he finds he isn’t completely freaked out by the idea. Somehow what he has with Jensen feels just a little bit more real, now that it isn’t just locked away in the safety of Jensen’s apartment.

The breeze is warm and sweet-smelling, like grass and flowers and fresh air, and Jensen slides one hand up into Jared’s hair to angle his head and deepen the kiss, and Jared is definitely a fan of picnics.

____

  
“Chad says you’re seeing somebody.”

Jared looks up just before Genevieve flops down beside him on the couch in the student lounge. He’s instantly overwhelmed by the familiar smell of her shampoo as her long hair sways around her head. She pulls off her leather jacket and tosses it over the arm of the couch, and Jared marks his page and then shuts the book he was reading and sets it down in his lap.

“Since when do you pay attention to anything Chad says?”

“When he says my best friend is seeing somebody and for some reason forgot to tell me about it. Or _decided_ not to tell me, which would be way worse.”

Jared sighs. “Chad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“Well he knows _something_. Something you’ve been keeping from me.”

“Am I really your best friend?”

Genevieve shoots him a hard look, halfway between annoyed and amused. It’s an expression she usually reserves for Chad, Jared’s not sure he’s ever had it directed at him before. “Yes, doofus. Who the hell else have I got? Katie? Rachel? Please, they’re idiots. They’re _girls_ , and you know how I feel about girls. And quit changing the subject.”

“I’m telling you, it’s nothing.”

“If it was nothing, Chad wouldn’t have told me about it.”

“Fine, you wanna know what it is? A couple weeks ago, Chad decided I must be secretly dating someone because apparently, and I’m quoting here, I had a far-away look in my eyes in one of our classes. That’s seriously all the evidence he has. And then when I didn’t deny it, he decided that meant he was right. He’s a moron. I mean, I love the guy, but he’s still a moron.”

She frowns, and doesn’t look even remotely convinced. “You know that if there _was_ someone, you could tell me, right? I wouldn’t freak out.”

“Why would you freak out?”

“I said I _wouldn’t_ freak out.”

“Yeah, I know. But the fact that you felt the need to say you wouldn’t means you think _I_ think you would.”

“That … is a very complicated sentence,” she says, face breaking into a smile and breathing a laugh that only grows when Jared laughs too.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Okay, look.” She exhales, and then she tucks her leg up onto the couch so she can face him. “Everybody I know sort of thinks that one of these days you and I are going to suddenly realize we’ve been perfect for each other all along and get married in Hawaii and have fifty thousand kids and grow old together in rocking chairs on our front porch and die holding hands like in _The Notebook_. And I’m guessing it’s not just my friends that think that.”

Jared shakes his head. “Definitely not. Chad says he likes me a percent less every month that goes by that I haven’t slept with you yet.”

Genevieve rolls her eyes and giggles at the same time. “So … yeah. That’s why I said the thing about not freaking out. Because it’s like – I’ve got all these people telling me I’m supposed to be with you, because apparently we live in 16th century Puritanical England and it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to just be friends without secretly lusting after what’s underneath each other’s chastity belts.”

Jared snorts, and Gen smiles at him, that big, wide one that makes her eyes crinkle. Jensen’s do that too, and Jared wonders if there will ever be a day where almost everything doesn’t remind him of Jensen. In a way, he hopes there won’t be.

“But just because that’s what people think, doesn’t mean it has to be true,” she continues. “People think a lotta stupid shit that isn’t true. If you’ve found someone, you don’t have to be worried it’s gonna hurt my feelings or anything, okay? You’re awesome, and you’re totally good-looking and everything, but I don’t like you. I mean, I _love_ you, but … you know.”

Jared nods. “Not like that.”

“Exactly.”

“Okay. Well, me neither, so good. You’re awesome and totally good-looking too, but I think we’re supposed to be friends.”

“So do I. Now c’mon.” She pokes him playfully in the ribs. “You’re definitely seeing someone. What’s with the secrecy?”

“I just …” Jared sighs again, and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t wanna jinx it, you know? It’s still new, and I … I’ve never really dated anyone before.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. What’s with that?”

Jared shrugs. “Just never found the right person, I guess.”

“And you have now?”

“I …” For a moment, Jared hesitates. He hates the thought of ever getting his hopes up and then having them torn down. He really isn’t good at dealing with disappointment. But he means it when he says, “Yeah. I think so.”

“Okay. Well, that’s great. I’m really happy for you. And the _second_ you’re comfortable with it, I wanna meet her. You are a hell of a catch, Jared Padalecki. If she’s managed to win you over she’s got to be one hell of a girl.”

Jared nods, and says, “Okay, deal,” and he only feels a little bit guilty about not correcting her choice of pronoun. His cell phone vibrates in his pocket, and Jared pulls it out and reads _Jensen_ on the call display. “Uh …” he starts, not entirely sure where he’s going with it.

“Is that her?” Genevieve asks, eyebrows raised.

“Um, yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll get outta your hair.”

“Thanks.”

She picks her bag back up, leans over and kisses Jared on the cheek, and then she’s gone and Jared presses the talk button on the phone and brings it up to his ear.

“Hey Jensen.”

“Hi! How’s it goin’?”

Jared smiles. Even the sound of Jensen’s voice makes him happy. “Good. Just between classes. What’s up? Miss me already?”

He’s kidding, but it makes something warm bloom in his chest when Jensen says, “I kinda did.”

“You guys busy at the shop today?”

“Steady. Not too bad, though. I’m working on this black 68’ Charger, holy shit, Jare, it’s beautiful. Chrome trimmings, the 440 six-pack Magnum V8 engine – it’s even got the headlights hidden in the grille like the one Vin Diesel drove in _Fast and the Furious_. I totally wanna just get naked and rub myself on it.”

Jared barks a laugh; a couple students passing by look up in surprise and Jared makes an apologetic face at them. “That’s … I’m not actually sure how to respond to that.”

“Neither am I. Hey, so, Chris and Danni want us to go on a double date with them.”

“They – really?”

“Yeah. Which actually means _Danni_ wants it and Chris is going along with it because he likes having sex with her.”

“I, uh, I don’t exactly blame him.”

Jensen laughs. “Right? Probably every straight guy in Texas beats off thinkin’ about that chick. It’s crazy that Chris is dating her, I still can’t get my head around it. But anyway, what d’you think? Would that be too weird? She’s kind of intense so it might be an entirely unpleasant evening, but I think you and Chris would really hit it off if you got to know each other, and Danni really wants to meet you.”

“She does? Why?”

“‘Cause I told her you were hot.”

“You did?” Jared can’t help the smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth.

“Had to. I was raised to always tell the truth, like the good little Christian soldier my parents so desperately wanted me to be. So?”

“I …” Jared thinks about it for a moment or two. “I don’t know. I mean, I’d like to, it’s just …”

“You could have a say in where we go,” Jensen offers, knowing exactly what Jared’s worried about. “Somewhere where you probably wouldn’t run into someone you know. And, I mean, it’s not like if one of your friends did see us, their minds would go right to you and me being together, you know? They’d probably think the three of us won some kind of contest where the prize was dinner with a celebrity, or something stupid like that.”

Jared nods. “Yeah, that’s true. Okay. Sure, let’s do it.”

“Yeah? Awesome. You’re awesome.”

Jared chuckles. “You’re easy to impress.”

“I might be. Or you’re actually just awesome.”

“Very possible. I gotta go, class starts in a couple minutes,” Jared says reluctantly.

“What class?”

“Western Civ.”

“Ugh, I hate history.”

“Yeah, so do I. I’ll probably just be thinkin’ about you the whole time.”

“Mm,” Jensen hums. “I like the sound’a that. Tell you what, I’ll do the same, and then when you come over later we can compare notes.”

“I’m coming over later?”

“Well you have to now.”

Jared grins. “Okay. Deal.”

____

  
Once again, Jensen doesn’t even bother to say hello when he opens the door – he just grabs Jared and pulls him inside and lets his lips do the greeting for him. Not that Jared’s complaining, at all. He reaches behind himself for the door and pushes it shut so Jensen can shove him up against it like they’ve done almost every time Jared comes over. It’s become their little routine, starting up down here and getting lost in a heated kiss for a while before they manage to tear way from each other long enough to get upstairs. At first, Jared used to wonder if Jensen did that because Christian was upstairs and he wanted a chance to be alone with Jared before they moved to the second floor. Or, worse, that regardless of everything Jensen’s said he actually is ashamed of being gay and didn’t want Christian to see them kissing. But other than the very first time, Christian hasn’t even been home when they get upstairs, so Jared’s left with the conclusion that when they spend a day apart, it leaves Jensen just as hungry for him as he is for Jensen. Jared really, really likes that thought. No one’s ever _wanted_ him before; not like this, anyway.

He licks along Jensen’s bottom lip and Jensen hums, sending vibrations that tingle Jared’s lips, and sucks Jared’s tongue into his mouth. He moves in even closer and grinds his hips into Jared’s, and he’s fully hard against the top of Jared’s thigh and there’s no way that could’ve happened in the twenty seconds they’ve been kissing which means he was already worked up before Jared even rang the doorbell, and Jared likes that thought too. His cock likes it maybe even more than his brain does, and blood quickly starts diving south and filling it up.

“You were watchin’ porn or something, weren’t you?” Jared asks, grinning when Jensen laughs huskily and slides one hand down to palm at Jared’s ass through his jeans.

“Nope. Just thinkin’ about you, like I said I would be.”

“Really?” Jared’s heart skips a beat.

“Mhm. Was, uh …” Jensen pauses and laughs again, a little uncomfortably this time, and then he slows everything right down. He moves his hand around to the small of Jared’s back and pushes it up under Jared’s shirt. His palm is like a brand against Jared’s skin. Jensen’s other hand cups Jared’s face and angles his head to the side just slightly so he can kiss him again, opening his mouth wide against Jared’s and swiping his tongue sensually along the insides of Jared’s cheeks. “I was … y’know. And imagining it was you.”

It takes Jared’s sluggish, arousal-soaked brain just a few seconds to figure out what Jensen’s talking about, and then when he gets it, his stomach does a couple flip-flops and his knees suddenly threaten to give out. “You … you were?”

“Yeah.” Jensen brings Jared’s head down so their foreheads are touching, kissing Jared’s lips and then speaking softly against them. “Didn’t think you’d be here so soon. Didn’t quite get to finish up before I heard the doorbell.”

“Shit,” Jared breathes. His cock throbs in his pants and his head throbs along with it. The idea of Jensen doing that, touching himself and wishing it was Jared’s hand instead of his own, is maybe the hottest image Jared’s ever had in his head, and _God_ , he wants more than anything to drag Jensen up those stairs and finish what he started before Jared got here. But, like every other time, he’s nervous. He _hates_ himself for being nervous, but he is.

“Should I not have told you that?” Jensen asks, blinking up at Jared and worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

Jared shakes his head and kisses him again. “I kinda can’t stop thinking about it.”

Jensen laughs, low and soft and it’s somehow rough like sandpaper and smooth like satin at the same time. “Do you … can we try something? Something new?”

“Like what?” Jared asks apprehensively.

“I wanna touch you,” Jensen whispers, trailing the tip of his nose along Jared’s cheek and breathing the words into his skin. He’s still so close, enveloping Jared in his scent and his warmth and the feeling of another body pressed against his. “Wanna know what you feel like in my hand.”

“I’ve never – ”

“I know,” Jensen cuts in gently; understandingly. “You got no idea what you’re missing, man. It feels so much better than doin’ it yourself.”

Jared swallows. He wants to so damn much. He’d give almost everything to get rid of the nagging voice in the back of his brain telling him not to want it.

“Hey.” Jensen moves his hand around to cup the back of Jared’s neck, and ducks down a little to catch Jared’s dropped gaze. “You say the word stop, and I stop. I swear, Jared. It’s not like it’s fun to do somethin’ like this with someone who doesn’t want it too. M’not with you ‘cause I’m lookin’ to just get my rocks off, you know? If you’re not enjoying it then I’m not either.”

Jared nods. He’s never found it easy to trust people, but even if it’s against his better judgment, he wants so badly to believe Jensen when he says things like that. Jensen’s been so amazing up until this point, and Jared likes him so much and really does want to be okay enough to do things like this, and he thinks that, more than anything, is what gives him the courage to say yes.

Jensen pulls him up the stairs, stopping every few steps to lean down and kiss him again. Jared hates that stairs exist at all. Now that he’s crossed the barrier of deciding that he’s going to do this, he wants it maybe more than he’s ever wanted anything. Finally they reach the second floor, and Jensen spins back around and attaches himself to Jared again, and Jared doesn’t let him go this time. He walks slowly toward Jensen’s bedroom, his arms around Jensen’s waist and Jensen’s lips smushed against his, and Jensen walks backwards in front of him. They only bump against the wall twice and only a little bit, and Jensen laughs and playfully tells Jared to watch where he’s going. Jared kind of can’t, though, because the only thing his brain can focus on anymore is the man in his arms.

It still feels weird to have an erection and be thinking words like _man_ , but more and more Jared’s starting to be okay with that.

Jensen’s room is the furthest thing away from the front door in the whole apartment, and the journey there has never seemed longer but eventually Jared’s fumbling for the doorknob and wrenching it open while Jensen does his very best to distract him with lips on his neck. Jared gets them inside and closes the door behind him, and then suddenly everything screeches to a halt in his own brain. He said yes. He agreed to do this, to let Jensen touch him, in a place where Jared swore he’d never let _anyone_ touch him because he might like it and that would mean there’s something busted inside him and that he deserved everything that happened eight years ago. If whatever Jensen does feels good, Jared might as well have asked for what happened to him, and as much as that hurts as just an abstract thought, Jared’s not sure he could handle knowing for sure that it’s true. He can’t do this.

“Jared?” Jensen asks tentatively, and Jared blinks and looks over at him and realizes too late that he’s freaking Jensen out.

He shakes his head to clear it, and as fast as it came, the moment’s gone. The concerned look in Jensen’s bright green eyes makes Jared’s stomach feel funny, but one look at Jensen reminds Jared why he wanted this in the first place. “Sorry. Spaced out there for a second. I’m good.”

“You sure?” Jensen still looks apprehensive, so Jared smiles and nods and reaches for him.

“I’m okay. I …uh, I just think too much sometimes. Get caught up in my own head. It’s a bad habit.” He pulls Jensen back in and wraps his arms around Jensen’s thin waist, leaning down and kissing him softly.

Jensen kisses back and slides his hands up into Jared’s hair again, but he still whispers, “We don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Jared assures, and he isn’t lying. “You gotta tell me if I’m doing something wrong, though.”

“You’ve jerked yourself off before, right?” Jensen asks, with a grin and a raised eyebrow.

Jared’s cheeks heat up a little, but he grins back and shrugs. “I mean, once or twice. When I was bored.”

Jensen laughs and nods toward the bed. “C’mon.”

He lies down and Jared goes with him, tugging the quilt up over himself as Jensen does the same. He drops his head down to the pillow and looks across the bed at Jensen. Everything becomes very real to Jared as he takes in Jensen’s soft features, his green eyes turned dark with arousal, his straight nose covered in a smattering of freckles, the feathery shadows on his cheekbones from his long eyelashes, his still-shiny lips and mussed up hair. Jared sees that face in his dreams sometimes, and just that single image makes him happier than it probably should. This is happening, and he _wants_ it to happen. He wants to feel the weight of Jensen’s cock in his hand, the heat of it, to know how it’s different and similar to his own. He wants to know what it feels like to be touched by someone else – to come _because_ of someone else. Jared’s so late to the party on all of these things and he’s tired of being left behind. He’s tired of watching from the sidelines while everyone he knows goes on dates and has sex and has _fun_ , and Jared’s at home wishing his past would stop holding him back. He’s still nervous. His heart is still thudding so fast in his chest it’s making him dizzy. But he wants this.

“You’re thinking again,” Jensen says, reaching over and brushing Jared’s hair off his forehead. Jared’s starting to really love when he does that.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just … are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“I’m sure. Really,” Jared promises. He shifts in closer so he can kiss Jensen again, Jensen’s lips soft and instantly insistent against Jared’s, driving all Jared’s insecurities temporarily away. They’ll come back, they always do, but for now Jared actually feels good about this.

He kisses Jensen until his lips go numb, his head spinning from arousal and adrenaline and nerves and a whole bunch of other things Jared doesn’t bother to work out because Jensen’s tongue in his mouth is way too distracting. Jared’s cock throbs where it’s trapped behind his jeans, and he wants to take things further so badly but he can’t bring himself to make the first move, so he just keeps kissing Jensen and hopes he hurries up. Eventually, Jensen slides his hand down Jared’s side, fingers playing over Jared’s ribcage, and then pushes it up under Jared’s shirt. His fingertips are hot against Jared’s skin, and they play along the waistband of Jared’s pants and his heart beats even faster than it already was, so fast it almost makes him feel sick.

Jensen pulls back just a little and looks into Jared’s eyes, like he’s looking for any sign that Jared wants to back out. Part of Jared does want to, but he’d never forgive himself if he did that, so instead he reaches down and brushes the back of his hand against the hard bulge in Jensen’s pants. Jensen’s eyes glaze over just a little, and then he smiles and leans back in to kiss Jared again.

He undoes the button and zipper on Jared’s jeans and then it’s happening – his fingers are touching Jared through his boxers and then actual skin-on-skin contact when he pushes his hand into Jared’s underwear and wraps it around Jared’s erection – and Jared might actually have just died because Jensen was so right about it feeling better than his own hand. There aren’t even words. Jared’s useless brain couldn’t come up with them right now even if there were, but he’s convinced there aren’t. Jensen strokes slowly at first, squeezing gently on the way up and then twisting his wrist so his palm slides around the head, and Jared hears a ridiculous moan escape from his throat that he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be embarrassed about.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Jensen mumbles, and Jared doesn’t bother asking him what he means by that because his mouth probably couldn’t manage to form words right now.

It takes Jared a bit longer than maybe it should for him to remember that Jensen probably wants him to reciprocate, and just a twinge of uncertainty passes through him at the thought, but mostly all he can concentrate on how good Jensen’s hand feels on him. In a bit of a daze, Jared gets Jensen’s jeans undone and pushes his hand down into them, brushing his fingers against the hard flesh. This part, Jared already knows how to do, although _God_ he wishes he didn’t, but the way Jensen’s rubbing the pad of his thumb over Jared’s leaking slit has happy little tremors sparking through Jared’s body enough for him to push that thought away. He’s had more than enough practice shoving those memories down. He’s been doing it for eight years. And he’s not, under any circumstances, going to let that ruin what he has with Jensen. He won’t.

Jared is as surprised as anyone, but he actually _likes_ the way Jensen feels in his hand. His skin is soft and warm and if Jared curls his hand into a fist, Jensen fits perfectly. It’s probably the final nail in his gay coffin but Jared doesn’t care about that anymore. Jensen moans and then laughs shakily, kissing Jared gently while his hand speeds up, stroking Jared’s cock purposefully now and Jared almost chokes on his on tongue over how amazing it feels. When he comes, it’s with Jensen’s lips slick against his and Jensen’s scent in his nose and in his head, and it’s better than it’s ever been when he did this on his own. Jensen sort of grunts and then Jared feels something warm and slippery on the back of his hand and it should be gross but he likes that too. And everything Jared had been worried was going to happen – the flood of memories, the shame at liking the way it felt when Jensen touched him, the thought that it meant he deserved what happened – doesn’t. The only thing that happens is Jensen grinning at him and pulling him in close and kissing him lazily until they drift off to sleep.

Jared doesn’t believe in miracles. Except maybe now he does.

_The world breaks everyone. And afterward, many are stronger at the broken places. – Ernest Hemingway_


	5. Chapter 5

_The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that. – Woody Allen_

Everything Jared knows about Danneel Harris is from magazine articles and the Internet. Her father is an oil tycoon who actually wears bolo ties and cowboy boots with spurs on them and off-white suits like he thinks he’s Boss Hogg from _Dukes Of Hazzard_. Jared’s never seen a picture of his car, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was a white Eldorado with bull horns for a hood ornament. And Danneel, as far as Jared can tell, is one of those people who’s famous for being famous. She was probably raised by immigrant nannies and dressed in designer baby clothes and given everything she wanted the minute she wanted it for her whole life, and it all seems to have culminated in her losing all ability to keep herself out of the tabloids. She does some modeling and some acting, but mostly she just parties too hard and dates rock stars and takes her clothes off in public when she’s drunk and there are cameras everywhere. She’s the type of celebrity that nobody really likes but no one can look away from. There’s something captivating about the chaotic way she lives her life.

Like most famous people, she seems almost like she doesn’t actually exist in the real world. Like she’s a myth; shiny and idealistic but out of place in the gray streets of normal America. And Jared’s never met anyone famous before. He’s heard they’re usually shorter in person. When he asked Jensen what she’s like, Jensen said she was a little crazy but cool and funny, and that she’ll do this thing the first time Jared meets her.

“What thing?” Jared asked.

“She’ll put on a bit of a show for you. She’ll want to go to a really nice restaurant, and she’ll be all done up in a fancy dress and everything, and she’ll kind of play it off like she’s all famous.”

“She is famous.”

“I know, but she’ll _act_ famous. I think she does it because she thinks it’s what people expect of her, you know?”

Jensen’s reassurance doesn’t do much to calm Jared’s nerves, and all in all, Jared doesn’t have any idea what to expect before he meets her. Jensen picks him up, and they meet Christian and Danneel at the restaurant. Jared didn’t end up picking where they were going to go because he realized Jensen was right – even if he did happen to run into someone he knows from school, it’s not like the person would see Jared and two other guys they don’t recognize sitting at a table with Danneel freakin’ Harris and assume it meant Jared was dating one of the guys. That’s a completely illogical conclusion. So Danneel picked the restaurant, which probably means it’s somewhere expensive and trendy. Jared doesn’t even have a job, so he’s glad Jensen said Danneel likes to pay for things like this because it pisses her father off when she spends money frivolously.

Jared doesn’t really say much in the car – Jensen chats a little about his day and some of the cars he worked on, but Jared tugs at the tie he wishes he weren’t wearing and doesn’t really listen. He’s too busy trying to remember everything he read on the internet about what not to talk about at fancy dinner parties and which fork to use for what type of food and how to properly excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. He’s never in his whole life been anywhere where he was expected to behave with anything close to what rich people call _class_ , so Jared’s a little bit terrified he’s going to do or say something stupid and ruin the whole night. The fanciest place Jared’s ever been is the P.F. Chang’s in North Dallas. That, and, he really wants Jensen’s friends to like him and he’s really worried they won’t. After a while, Jensen seems to sense that Jared’s mind is a million miles away, and he stops talking too. Although he does reach across and take Jared’s hand, squeezing it and then holding onto it for the rest of the drive, and that does make Jared feel just a tiny bit better.

He was right about the restaurant. Jared feels a little bit like he’s stepping onto the set of a movie as he walks through the door that Jensen holds open for him. All the furniture is shiny black leather, there are enormous silvery drapes hanging down over all of the huge windows, and ridiculously oversized chandeliers that are probably entirely real crystal dangling over every table. The waiters are all in tuxedos and the hostess is in a tiny black dress that looks like it’s made entirely of sequins, and Jared might be having a panic attack. He’s never had one before so he doesn’t know, but he does know he definitely doesn’t belong in a place like this. The only thing that gives him any comfort is that, based on the large amount he knows about Jensen and the small amount he knows about Christian, they don’t really belong here either. So at least Jared won’t be alone.

“I know,” Jensen says, rolling his eyes, when he notices the way Jared’s staring around the room like he’s never seen walls before. “Danni is … this isn’t really _her_ , either. If you ask me, I think she’d have been just as happy if we went to Burger King. It’s a publicity thing, letting herself be seen in a place like this. Or a status thing, or whatever. Like, if Brad Pitt ever comes to Dallas, this is where he eats. It’s stupid, but I think it’s kinda part of the whole life.”

“I always thought this place was a factory,” is all Jared can say. Because from the outside, it’s just a square, concrete building with no signs anywhere.

“That’s what you’re supposed to think.” Jensen rolls his eyes again. “It’s all exclusive or some shit like that, the only people who’re supposed to know it’s a restaurant are the people who already do. It’s maybe the stupidest thing ever. But the food’s really good, and it’s on Ted Harris’ dime, so it won’t be all bad.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jared swallows, and Jensen smiles at him and then tells the hostess their names. She picks up a couple menus, also bound in black leather, and starts to lead them into the dining room. Jensen follows her, and Jared tries to, but apparently someone glued his feet to the hardwood.

Jensen notices after a moment that Jared isn’t behind him, and he turns around and frowns. He says something quietly to the hostess, probably asking her to give him a minute, and then he walks back to Jared with a worried look on his face.

“Jare? You okay?” he asks, all sweet and concerned and Jared feels like an idiot.

“Yeah, I’m … yeah.”

Jensen frowns a little deeper, and then he takes Jared’s hand and leads him back outside. He reaches up and brushes Jared’s hair out of his eyes, leaning up and kissing Jared softly, and Jared feels even stupider.

“I’m really fine,” he promises. “C’mon, let’s go back inside.”

“Nervous?” Jensen suggests, and Jared sighs and nods.

“A little.”

“Because of the restaurant?”

“No. I mean, sort of. But mostly I just … they’re obviously really important to you,” Jared explains, nodding his head in the direction of the building and hoping Jensen knows he means Christian and Danneel. “I really want them to like me.”

“They _will_ like you,” Jensen insists. “Chris already does. And Danni’s not really my friend, she’s Chris’s crazy girlfriend who’s kinda latched onto me because gay guys are fashionable right now.”

Jared smiles a little. “See, you say that, but I know you don’t mean it. You really like her. I can tell.”

“You can?” Jensen raises an eyebrow inquisitively. “How?”

“Because you roll your eyes when you talk about her. You get this look of, like, fond exasperation on your face, like she’s irritating but you put up with her anyway. You look the same way when you talk about Chris, or your sister. It’s how you act when you care about someone.”

Jensen stares at him for a moment, eyebrows stitched together, and for just a second Jared thinks he’s said something wrong. But then Jensen leans up and kisses him again, sliding his fingers into Jared’s hair and pushing his tongue into Jared’s mouth. Jared spares half a thought on the fact that they’re outside – in public, where anyone could see them – but then he forgets how to care about that.

“What was that for?” Jared asks when Jensen pulls away.

“Because I never realized I did that. They are going to love you, I promise. Now c’mon, I’m starving.”

Jared doesn’t totally understand Jensen’s explanation, but he lets Jensen take his hand and follows him back inside anyway.

The hostess eyes their clasped hands warily for a second, but then she pastes a fake smile back on her face and leads them to a table in the back. Jared, surprisingly even to himself, finds he doesn’t care at all if she thinks less of them because they’re two guys holding hands. Jared sees Christian first, and with his scruffy chin and rock-star hair, he looks even more out of place in a suit and tie than Jared does. And then he sees Danneel, and a sense of dread washes over him again. He’s going to embarrass himself in some way, he knows he is, and she’s only a B-list celebrity but still. She’s wearing this long, sparkly red dress that pushes her boobs up practically to her chin, and makeup and jewelry and her hair is all glossy and perfect looking and Jared tries to swallow without choking on his own saliva.

“You must be Jared! Let me look at you!” she cries, bustling over in a tornado of auburn hair and flowery perfume, and she grabs his arms with two perfectly manicured hands and gives him the once over. Jared’s whole body sweats under her gaze, and he sort of feels like he can’t look directly at her or he’ll melt.

“Oh, for the love of – Chris! Control your woman!” Jensen commands.

Christian laughs and says, “You think I can?”

Danneel ignores both of them, smiling brightly up at Jared with teeth like Chiclets and dramatically pronouncing, “Jensen, he’s gorgeous!”

“Yeah, I’m aware of that,” Jensen mutters, rolling his eyes and Jared notices that _look_ again, the one that says Jensen wants everyone to think he finds her annoying when really he’s amused by her. “Can you quit manhandling him? You freakin’ psycho?”

“Are there really men in the world who don’t enjoy being manhandled by a beautiful woman?” she asks, batting her eyelashes at Jared who manages a small but very reluctant smile.

“You’re not talkin’ about yourself, there, right Cankles?” Jensen deadpans, and Jared has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

“He’s such an asshole,” Danneel says to Jared.

“Maybe you should slap him,” Jared suggests, and she laughs. It sounds like clinking champagne flutes.

“One day I will.” She turns back to Jensen and shakes her head at him. “He’s so nice, Jensen, what the hell is he doing with you?”

“You really wanna know?” Jensen asks, with a raised eyebrow that makes Jared blush.

“Yes!” she cries, entirely too loudly for the fact that they’re in a crowded restaurant. “In full-frontal detail!”

“Hey! Nothing full-frontal at the table!” Christian says firmly. “Now would you guys sit down before they kick us out?”

“They wouldn’t kick me out,” Danneel says haughtily, although she listens to him and takes her seat gracefully. Jared’s reminded of a flower petal floating down onto the grass by the fluid way she moves.

Jensen shoots Jared a look that Jared interprets as _‘dear God, get me out of here_ ’, but he sits down too and Jared sits beside him.

“They kicked you out last week,” Jensen says. “Chris told me.”

“That’s only because he tried to grope me right here at the table.”

“You sure it was _me_ trying to grope _you_?” Christian asks, grinning at her. “‘Cause I bet if we asked around, we’d get a different side to that story.”

“Lies, all of it!” she answers, reaching over and cupping Christian’s cheek in her palm and then leaning in to kiss him. “I was a perfect lady.”

Jensen snorts. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

Danneel glares at him across the table, but then she laughs again, and as intimidating as she still is, Jared is starting to gets why people are drawn to her. She has that popular-girl essence like the cheerleaders from Jared’s high school – even if you don’t like her you still want _her_ to like _you_.

“So Jared, tell me about you,” she says, holding up a wine glass and motioning to a waiter who apparently knows her, because he immediately brings a bottle over.

“I … um …” Jared stammers.

“The ’92 will be fine, thanks George,” she interrupts, addressing the waiter with a sugary smile. Then she turns back to Jared. “Sorry, honey. Go on.”

Jared isn’t sure what to say, but then he feels Jensen’s hand under the table, sliding over his thigh and squeezing it. “What would you like to know?”

“Anything. Do you work, what do you do for fun, where did you two meet, stuff like that.”

Jared puts his hand on top of Jensen’s where it’s still resting on his leg, tangling their fingers together and drawing strength from it. “I’m a student. At UTD. I wanna be a lawyer, maybe.”

“Hot,” Danneel offers with another sparkly smile.

Jared manages to return it. “And, uh, we met at their garage. Same as you two.”

“No shit. That’s so strange!”

“Actually, that’s where Steve met his wife, too,” Christian chimes in, and Danneel swivels her head around and looks at him like he’s suddenly grown a second head.

“ _What_?! That’s … alright, did you three put something in the water cooler?” she asks, looking accusingly back and forth between Chris and Jensen.

“Like a love potion?” Christian suggest with a smirk. “Or maybe something else that doesn’t actually exist, like Leprechaun dust?”

“No, jerk. Like a drug, like LSD or something,” she returns, although she only sounds half-serious now.

“LSD makes you hallucinate, not hop in bed with the first person you meet after taking it,” Chris points out. “Which you know better than anyone. Don’t let the fancy dress and pretentious wine fool you, Jared. She’s a freak.”

“You’re sweet, you know that? You’re a sweet guy.” Danneel glowers at him and then gives him an exaggerated pout, and Christian laughs and leans over to kiss her forehead.

“A freak I love,” he adds. “Did I mention the love?”

“You forgot that part.”

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand again and leans in a little, and Jared looks over at him as Christian and Danneel dissolve into a playful argument about something else. “You good?”

Jared smiles a little and nods. “Yeah. They’re kinda insane.”

“They are,” Jensen agrees with a grin.

“But they’re kinda awesome.”

“That too.”

“I can see why you like them.”

“Danni’s not freaking you out too much?”

Jared shrugs. “A little, I guess. It’s not just her, though. It’s this place, and the fancy clothes, and everything. It’s just not really me, that’s all.”

“Or me. And like I said, it’s not her either. Not on the inside, anyway. This is the show she feels like she has to put on, because of who she is. Next time, we’ll just order pizza or something and hang out at the apartment. She’ll be different. You’ll like her more then.”

“Okay. That sounds good.”

“Hey, you got anything goin’ on early tomorrow, or can you hang out for a while after we’re done here?”

Jared chews at the inside of his bottom lip for a moment. He has an 8:30 class, but he’d very happily sleep through it to spend time with Jensen. “I could hang out. What were you thinking?”

“Do you know how to change a tire?”

Jared blinks, confused for a second. “I … no, I have no idea. I’ve never owned a car.”

“Can I teach you?”

It’s not really what Jared was expecting Jensen to say he had planned for them, but he doesn’t really care what he does with Jensen. He just wants to be with him. And really, letting Jensen show him something about cars sounds like much more fun than being in a fancy restaurant Jared feels like he doesn’t quite belong in. He hopes dinner goes quickly. “Yeah. Sure.”

____

  
“You’d do this with a jack if you were just on the side of the road with a flat or something,” Jensen says, securing the car on the lift and flipping the switch so it starts to rise up slowly until the tires are just blow eye-level. “On newer cars, there’s a spot, just here behind the tire, where there’s a little notch so you know where to put it. On older ones like this, you just gotta make sure you hit the metal frame and not anything plastic, ‘cause that’ll crack and then you’ll be screwed.”

“And then a semi pulls up and the guy gets out and offers to help you but instead bashes your head in with a tire iron and you wake up in a bathtub filled with ice and missing your kidneys,” Jared finishes, and Jensen barks a bright laugh.

“Exactly. That, or, has his disgusting hillbilly way with you. Either way, it’s not good.” Jensen shrugs out of his suit jacket and loosens his tie, pulling it over his head and then unbuttoning his dress shirt so he ends up in just a plain white t-shirt. He nods at Jared. “You’re gonna wanna …”

Jared grins at him. “I knew you had ulterior motives. No one wants to teach someone how to change a tire, you’re just try’na get me shirtless.”

Jensen laughs again and waggles his eyebrows playfully. “Maybe. Or maybe I just don’t want you to have to get that shirt dry-cleaned. The dirt and oil and crap from under a car never comes off. Like, ever.”

“So you’re just thinking of my well-being,” Jared concludes with a smile.

“I’m a really, really nice guy,” Jensen agrees, and Jared chuckles but he pulls his tie off and unbuttons his shirt anyway.

He slips his shirt off, left in just the tight white undershirt that he wears to sleep, and he folds the shirt up and puts it aside on a chair near the door. When he turns back around, Jensen’s watching him, his eyes gone a little bit out of focus, and Jared frowns.

“What?”

“Huh?” Jensen blinks, and then seems to come back to himself a little. “Sorry. Uh, nothing.” His cheeks darken just a little, like he’s embarrassed at being caught staring, and Jared doesn’t quite know what to make of that. But then Jensen reaches over to a table piled with tools, picks up a small silver cylinder and hands it to Jared. “Okay, see the little circles in the center? Those are plastic caps that keep the hubcap in place. Use this to loosen them and then you can take it off.”

Jared follows his instructions, and then once he pulls the hubcap off, Jensen hands him a longer silver bar.

“Those are lug nuts,” he says, pointing to the center of the tire. “Use the wrench to loosen them. Turn counter-clockwise, but don’t let them come all the way off or the tire might fall off.”

Jared nods and does what Jensen said. The nuts are tight and he has to bang at the wrench a couple of times. It’s harder work than he expected, but eventually he gets them all loosened.

“They get tight like that because of rust,” Jensen tells him, hovering a little closer to Jared’s back than Jared thinks he needs to, but he’s not complaining. Jensen trails his fingers just barely up one of Jared’s arms, and Jared shivers. “Kay, now use your hand to twist them the rest of the way and then take them off and put them aside. Then you can take the tire off.”

“It’s heavier than I thought it’d be,” Jared says, as he lifts the tire up and off the studs and sets it on the ground.

“Good thing you’re all big and strong, then,” Jensen says, and when Jared smiles at him, he can tell from the look on Jensen’s face that he was only half joking about that. Jared sort of likes the way that makes him feel.

“What now?”

“Reverse the process.” Jensen walks over to a stack of tires piled up against a wall, glances over them for a minute, and then locates the one he was looking for and brings it back. “Stick this on, get the nuts all back on, and then the hubcap.”

Jared takes the tire from him and slides it back in place. It takes him a couple of minutes to get all the nuts as tight as he thinks they’ll go, and by the time he’s finished he’s sweating a little and his arms and shirt are covered in dirt, but he feels a little like he accomplished something important – like he learned something that all grown-ups should know how to do.

“Looks good. You’re a natural,” Jensen says quietly, moving up behind Jared’s back as Jared wipes the sweat off his forehead, and sliding his arms around Jared’s waist. Jared doesn’t miss the way Jensen’s hand moves over his stomach, like he wants to know what it feels like with only a thin layer of cotton covering the skin.

Jared’s about to answer when Jensen’s lips brush over his neck, and Jared forgets whatever it was he was going to say. He spaces out for a minute or two, distracted by the way Jensen’s soft lips move over his skin. When Jensen scrapes his teeth gently over a tendon Jared just barely holds back the moan that threatens to escape from his throat. He’s still not used to the idea that Jensen wants him like this – it still makes his head spin and his stomach turn over much more than it probably should.

“I like you all covered in grease,” Jensen whispers, his hands moving to dangerously low on Jared’s hips. Just a couple inches and he could touch Jared’s cock where it’s quickly filling with blood in his dress pants, and _God_ does Jared ever wish he would. It’s only been a couple of days since they did this and Jared’s barely been able to stop thinking about the way Jensen’s hands feel on him for longer than about ten minutes at a time. It’s been a serious problem when he’s in class and supposed to be concentrating on the molecular structure of reticular membranes or something equally inane and all that’s running through his mind is how it felt when Jensen touched him.

“I like you in anything,” Jared answers, his voice shaky as Jensen squeezes his handfuls of Jared’s hips and his fingertips dig into the muscle.

“Wanna go upstairs?”

That’s exactly what Jared wants, but he still nods toward the tire and asks, “Wait, you’re not gonna check it? Make sure I did it right?”

Jensen shrugs. “You did great. It isn’t rocket science.”

“But what if it falls off?” Jared worries, turning around so he can see Jensen’s face. “Who’s car is this, anyway?”

“My sister’s,” Jensen says with a smile.

“Oh, good,” Jared mumbles. “So your little sister’s life is dependant on whether or not I’m shit at something I’ve never done before.”

“Don’t even worry about it, man, this thing’ll be back in here in a week without your help. She’s the worst driver ever, I swear. She should have never been allowed to have a license. She hits curbs like she’s goin’ for the record.”

Jared still doesn’t feel great about possibly being the reason Jensen’s sister gets into an accident, and it must show on his face because Jensen leans up and kisses him, and then says, “I’ll check it before I give it back to her, okay? I promise.”

“Okay.” Jared nods, and then he kisses Jensen back.

Jensen smiles against his lips, pressing a couple more kisses into them and then he pulls away and grabs his shirt from where he’d left it on the table. Jared does the same and follows Jensen out of the shop and up the stairs. Jared could probably count on one hand the number of times he’s climbed this particular staircase when he _wasn’t_ at least half hard in his pants. He doesn’t always see Jensen at his apartment. Sometimes they go out, and once he surprised Jared outside his Biology class and they made out in a bathroom stall in the library. But mostly, when Jared sees Jensen, it’s here – and mostly, lately, anyway, it seems like he can’t spend more than a few minutes around him before it dissolves into kissing and touching and everything else they’ve done. Jared can’t get enough of it.

“I’m kind of a mess,” Jared says when they reach the second floor, looking down at himself and finally noticing exactly how dirty he is. It’s a good thing Jensen told him to take his dinner clothes off, because his arms and undershirt are marred with grayish-brown streaks that would probably have been impossible to wash out of a white dress shirt.

“I think it’s hot, for the record,” Jensen replies. “But you can shower if you want.”

Jared was hoping he’d say that. He’d just ignore it if he was at his own house, but it sort of felt like they were starting something up back downstairs and he doesn’t want to make a mess of Jensen’s bed. Not unless it’s the fun kind, anyway. He heads for the bathroom, finding himself a towel and wiping a smear off his cheek when he catches sight of himself in the mirror. And then, he has an idea. It makes his heart speed up both in excitement and in nervousness to even consider it, but Jared takes a deep breath and forces himself to lean back out of the doorway and catch Jensen’s eye.

“You, uh. Wanna come with?” he asks, not really liking how tentative his voice sounds, but at least he got the words out. That’s definitely something.

Jensen considers him for a moment. Jared sees the flash of _want_ cross over his features, but there’s hesitancy in Jensen’s eyes too, and it makes Jared’s stomach feel funny.

“You don’t have to,” he says quickly, suddenly mortified at the idea that Jensen doesn’t want to.

“No, it isn’t that,” Jensen answers, just as quickly. He moves over to where Jared’s standing and cups Jared’s face in his hands, kissing him deeply like he can sense Jared’s in need of a little reassurance. “You just … you don’t have to do this for me.”

“I’m not,” Jared says, confused about Jensen’s reaction.

“You sure about that?” Jensen frowns up at him, fingers curling around the back of Jared’s neck. “Everything we’ve done so far has been awesome, Jare. You don’t need to … I guess, I just thought maybe you were worried that if you don’t start putting out, I’m gonna get bored with you or something. But I won’t.”

Something funny and tickly dances around in Jared’s chest. He wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist, pulling him in close and kissing him. He completely believes everything Jensen just said, and the fact that Jensen feels that way is exactly what makes Jared feel like he wants more than what they’ve already done.

“You’re amazing,” he whispers, lips brushing against Jensen’s. “And I want this.”

He’s still afraid to want it sometimes, but Jared’s already accepted that this whole thing is way beyond his control, and Jensen is just wonderful enough to give Jared the confidence to just roll with it. He pulls Jensen into the bathroom with him, slipping his hands under Jensen’s t-shirt and pushing it up his chest. Jensen breaks the kiss just long enough to pull the shirt over his head and drop it to the floor, and then he does the same with Jared’s shirt. He steps back just slightly to toss it behind himself, and then he glances down to Jared’s mid-section and gets that glazed look back in his eyes, the same as he looked back down in the garage.

“You’re …uh.” Jensen laughs sheepishly, and gestures vaguely at Jared.

Jared’s heart races. Suddenly he’s imagining Jensen saying any number of horrible things about him – he’s imagining Jensen agreeing with all the things Jared doesn’t like about himself. “What?”

Jensen must notice the change in Jared’s demeanor; because he shakes his head and moves closer, sliding a hand up Jared’s bare chest. Jared’s skin tingles as Jensen’s fingers pass over it. “No. Not – you’re gorgeous. You’re just more …uh, built, than I thought. I mean, I knew you were, but not this much. That’s what I was gonna say.”

“Oh. I … I just like to work out, I guess. Burns off … I don’t know, stress. Or whatever.” Jared doesn’t tell him that the real reason is that after Jim took him away from his dad, he promised himself he’d get strong enough so that if anyone ever tried to hurt him again, he could fight back. That’s Jared’s biggest regret. That he never fought back.

Jensen goes up on his toes so he can kiss Jared’s cheek, and then he pulls Jared down for a real kiss, soft and gentle at first and then messy and sloppy and perfect as Jensen deepens it. “You’re fucking beautiful,” Jensen murmurs, as if he could tell Jared needed to hear that.

“So are you,” Jared tells him. Jensen isn’t as heavily muscled as Jared is, but he’s got this lean, lightly-sculpted chest and this soft, peachy, almost glowing complexion to his skin, dusted with freckles that look like spilled cinnamon and Jared wants to lick every one. And then, to lighten the mood, he adds, “We should do porn.”

Jensen laughs loudly, letting his lips fall away from Jared’s but keeping their foreheads resting together. “Hell yeah, we should. Except then I’d have to share you.”

“You don’t wanna share me?” Jared asks. He slides his arms around Jensen’s waist and pulls him in a little closer. His cock bumps against Jensen’s, still trapped in his pants but it feels good anyway, and Jared has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from gasping. There’s still a tiny, tiny part of him that worries sometimes that this is wrong, and if maybe having someone like Genevieve in his arms right now is what he should be doing. But there’s a much bigger part of him that can’t imagine having all these new experiences with anyone but Jensen.

“I definitely don’t,” Jensen answers. He kisses Jared again, slow and sweet, and Jared opens up for him and sucks Jensen’s tongue into his mouth. The way Jensen’s tongue moves against his, in slow, languid sweeps, has Jared’s mouth watering and cock hardening even further as he imagines what that tongue would feel like other places on his body. Jensen slides his hands back down, fingers hesitating on Jared’s belt buckle.

“Can I?” he asks softly.

Without having to give it a second of thought, Jared knows that if he said no, or even just shook his head, Jensen would just put his hands back in Jared’s hair and keep on kissing him and that’s the last he’d hear of it. It’s what makes Jared nod. There are still butterflies in his stomach. But that’s more out of excitement than anything else, and Jared doesn’t feel remotely uncomfortable or anxious as Jensen undoes his belt and button and zipper and pushes his dress pants to the floor. Jared reaches over and does the same to Jensen’s, still sucking at Jensen’s lips as he does, taking it a step further and pushing Jensen’s boxers off too. Jensen steps out of them and then pushes Jared’s underwear slowly down his hips.

There’s just a tremor of nerves fluttering through Jared’s stomach as Jensen breaks the kiss and looks down, keeping his forehead pressed against Jared’s so Jared has to look down too, but then Jensen laughs softly and reverently mutters, “Damn.”

“Yeah?” Jared asks, still unsure even though he wishes he wasn’t, and Jensen nods and reaches out to gently trail his fingers up the underside of Jared’s erection.

“Yeah. Really, really … yeah.”

Jared actually manages to smile. “You too.” He’s never had an opinion on dicks before. He’s seen them, in videos from health class and biology textbooks and porn and in locker rooms – because everybody says they don’t look but they do – but they were always just a body part he didn’t care one way or the other about. Like elbows and noses and feet. But Jensen’s is kind of gorgeous. It’s not quite as big as Jared’s, but it’s still perfect. Flushed pink and curved slightly upwards towards his belly, and the crown is shiny with precome that Jared wants to lick off.

“C’mon,” Jensen murmurs, nodding towards the shower. He lifts his feet up one at a time to pull his socks off, and then he reaches into the shower stall and spins the water nozzle over to hot. Jared takes his socks off too and follows Jensen into the stall.

The spray starts out lukewarm and feels cold on his naked skin, but it quickly heats up. For a moment, Jensen just looks at him. He slides his hands back into Jared’s hair – which he’s starting to do all the time lately like they’re magnetically pulled there, and Jared would be outright lying if he said he didn’t love it – and stares into Jared’s eyes. Jared cups Jensen’s hips in his hands and stares back. Jensen’s eyes are breathtaking. They’re big and round and framed by thick, sandy-colored lashes, and they’re so green they almost don’t look real; a darker outline around the irises that fades into the most beautiful mossy color. There’s gold in them too, and Jared’s not sure he’s ever noticed that before. Little flecks of it, like someone sprinkled glitter in them that Jensen never managed to completely blink out.

Eventually, Jensen leans up and kisses him, and it’s the least hurried a kiss between them has ever been. It’s relaxed and deep and sensual like Jensen’s trying to attach himself permanently to Jared’s soul. Jared reaches down and curls his fingers into a fist around Jensen’s cock, stroking slowly and deliberately, his movement slicked up slightly by the water. Jensen hums softly into Jared’s mouth, just a quiet, content sound as opposed to an urging for Jared to pick up the pace, and he trails his fingers feather-light over Jared’s cock again and then wraps his hand around it and mirrors Jared’s motions. It’s leisurely and drawn out and Jared loses track of time because Jensen has soaked into every single one of his pores and made him forget everything he ever knew that doesn’t center around the man in his arms, but it’s at least twenty minutes before Jensen finally grunts quietly and squeezes his other hand where it’s cupped around the back of Jared’s neck and comes into Jared’s hand. Jared follows him, giving into the pleasure that’s both gentle and intense at the same time, dropping his forehead to rest against Jensen’s and breathing raggedly against his lips while little bursts of heat explode in his gut and his cock empties itself onto Jensen’s abdomen. The water washes it away after only a couple of seconds, but through blurred vision, Jared catches a quick glimpse of his off-white release on Jensen’s pale skin and his cock twitches half-heartedly in Jensen’s hand.

For a while, they just stand there again, not kissing anymore but breathing each other’s air and soaking in the post-orgasmic bliss, helped along by the warm water still cascading down on them. It briefly crosses Jared’s mind that he wanted to shower in the first place to actually get clean and it doesn’t seem likely that will happen anymore, but then he can’t imagine anything he’s ever cared less about in his whole life. Eventually Jensen turns the water off and gets out of the stall, grabbing a towel for himself and handing one to Jared, but once they’ve both rubbed themselves dry and wrapped the towels around their waists, Jensen pulls him in again and kisses him one last time, so sweet and tender it makes something grip tight around Jared’s heart. He’s not sure, but he thinks maybe this is what being loved feels like.

“I’m gonna go get dressed,” Jared says, reluctantly, after another couple minutes. He’d like to just stay here and kiss Jensen until he starves to death, but he’s getting cold standing here wet and naked except for the towel.

“Or you could not. Just puttin’ that out there.”

Jared grins. “Just walk around naked, you mean.”

“That’s not what I meant at all. But, I mean, if you want to, I won’t stop you,” Jensen jokes. He slides his fingers through Jared’s wet hair and kisses him again.

“And if Christian comes back?” Jared asks against Jensen’s lips.

“We’d probably turn him queer. Given how hot we are, and all.”

Jared laughs. “I don’t know. He seems pretty set in hetero to me.”

Jensen’s only response to that is, “Gross,” and then he goes back to kissing Jared and Jared has to poke him in the side to free himself from Jensen’s arms.

This time, Jared’s prepared. He wasn’t completely sure he would be sleeping here before he left his house earlier, but he figured just in case, he’d bring himself a change of clothes. Jensen probably could have lent him a pair of sweats or something, but Jared finds it really uncomfortable to wear pants that are too short. He finds his backpack where he’d left in it Jensen’s bedroom before they left for the restaurant, and he pulls out and then puts on a pair of plaid flannel pajama pants and a grey hoodie. Jensen comes into the room just as Jared finishes, and he looks up to find Jensen leaning against the door frame and smiling at him.

“See something you like?” Jared asks, smiling back.

“Y’know, five minutes ago, I would’ve said you naked and wet is the hottest thing my eyes have ever seen. But now I don’t know. You all comfy is pretty hot too. I kinda wanna snuggle you.”

Jared snorts. He kisses Jensen’s cheek on his way out the door. “Get your PJs on and then you can snuggle me as much as you want.”

Jared settles on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table and grabbing the remote. The movie _Happy Gilmore_ is on, and it’s near the beginning so Jared settles on that. Jensen comes into the living room after a couple of minutes in a pair of black sweatpants and a blue t-shirt with the Budweiser logo on it. He flops down beside Jared on the couch, angling himself inward a little so he can lean against Jared. Jared wraps his arm around Jensen’s shoulders, his hand settling in the middle of Jensen’s chest, and Jensen’s hand slides over Jared’s thigh, absently tracing his thumb in an arc over the inseam of Jared’s pants.

“This movie is retarded and awesome,” Jensen says, and Jared chuckles.

“I almost died laughing the first time I saw it. When Bob Barker kicks the shit outta him, I swear, I nearly busted a nut.”

Jensen laughs. “Me too. But don’t die. I’d miss you.”

Jared smiles and kisses him on the cheek again. Within a half hour, Jensen falls asleep with his head on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared loves the warmth from Jensen’s body and the heavy weight against his chest so he watches the rest of the movie by himself. So far, most of the time Jensen’s been the one taking the lead and being the _man_ when they lie together like this, and Jared’s been okay with that. But he likes it this way too. He likes having Jensen passed out against his chest, likes the feeling of being in charge of keeping him safe while he sleeps. Not that anything’s going to happen, but Jared likes the idea of being here if it did. He turns his head to kiss the top of Jensen’s every couple of minutes and he’s probably done it five times before he even realizes he’s doing it. His first instinct is to roll his eyes at himself, but then, it’s really, really nice to care about someone this much.

Just as the credits start rolling, the door opens and Christian comes in. He catches Jared’s eye and then his gaze lowers to Jensen, and he smiles and shakes his head.

“Not even midnight and he’s comatose. What a dork.”

Jared laughs quietly. “You’re not staying at Danneel’s?”

“Not tonight.” Christian shrugs out of his jacket and hangs it up on one of the hooks behind the door. “Gotta work in the morning, and her McMansion is all the way across town. Y’know, in the rich neighborhood.”

“Is her house crazy?”

“It’s insane. It has an elevator. And a huge pool and tennis courts and like two hundred bathrooms. Her closet is bigger than this whole apartment, and that would be funny if it wasn’t completely true. The freakin’ servants have servants, man.”

Jared shakes his head. “That’s … I don’t even know what that is. Must be super weird to be in a place like that.”

“It was a trip the first couple times, that’s for sure. But yeah, anyways, we just … y’know, had some fun, and then I took off.” Christian smiles sheepishly. “What’d you guys get up to?”

“Uh. Somethin’ along those lines too.” Jared’s cheeks heat up as he says it, but Chris doesn’t seem to notice.

“Sweet. Well, I’ll – uh, leave you to it.” He smiles one more time and then he wanders off into the kitchen. Jared can still see him, but he turns his attention to locating the remote – it’s slid down between his thigh and the space between two couch cushions – and shutting the TV off.

“Jensen,” he whispers, kissing the top of his head again and nudging him. Jensen just groans a little and doesn’t move. “C’mon, man. You gotta get up. Bedtime.”

“Carry me,” Jensen slurs, and Jared laughs quietly.

“Seriously? Are you under the impression you’re a pretty little girl I could just throw over my shoulder?”

“Hot.”

“You being a girl?”

“No.” Jensen tries to smack him, but he’s still half asleep so his hand just sort of lands softly on Jared’s thigh. “You throwing me over your shoulder.”

Jared chuckles. “I’ll work on it. Not when you’re a dead weight, though. I might drop you or something.”

“Don’t care.”

“Yeah, well, I do.”

A small noise from the kitchen distracts Jared for a moment – he looks up to see Christian pouring himself a glass of water. It’s hard to tell in the dark, but Jared thinks he might be laughing.

“C’mon, Ackles. Up you get.” Jared pokes him gently, and Jensen grumbles about it but he pushes himself up off the couch.

He meanders, still not quite awake, back to his bedroom and Jared follows him, laughing to himself when Jensen bumps into the door frame and then collapses onto the bed and falls almost immediately back to sleep. Jared manages to tug the quilt out from under him and covers him with it, and then he grabs his backpack heads for the bathroom to brush his teeth and run a comb through his hair. It’s almost dry, so it’s doomed to looking stupid until the next time Jared showers, but he doesn’t really care. He stops in the kitchen on his way back, saying, “Hey,” softly and hoping he won’t startle Christian.

Christian turns around and smiles at him. “What’s up?”

“Just, uh …” Jared scratches the side of his face. “I had fun tonight.”

“Good for you,” Christian says, with a grin and raised eyebrows.

Jared flushes, but grins back. “Not that. I meant at dinner. I liked Danneel.”

Chris smirks. “No you didn’t. No one does.”

“No, I … okay, she was a little … intense,” Jared concedes. “But I think I _would_ like her, if I got to know her a little better.”

For just a moment, Christian considers him with a funny look on his face. “You wanna get to know her?” he asks eventually, like he doesn’t believe it.

“Yeah.” Jared shrugs. “I mean, she means something to you, and you kinda mean everything to Jensen, so.”

Christian kind of frowns and smiles at the same time at that, turning a quizzical look to Jared, and Jared explains, “He told me what you did for him. That night in Richardson, when his parents threw him out.”

“Oh.”

“You saved him,” Jared continues. “You don’t forget something like that.”

Christian nods, a contemplative look taking over his face for a few moments, and then he says, “So there could be another double in our future? I know it’s kinda girly. But, I mean, you know Jen and I are really close, so it would be cool if we could all be friends. And next time we’ll just go bowling or something simple like that, and if Danni gets caught by the paparazzi in jeans and gross rented shoes, she’ll just have to deal with it.”

Jared smiles. “Sounds good.”

“Awesome.” Christian holds out his hand and Jared takes it, and then he pulls Jared into a one-armed hug.

He says goodnight, clapping Jared on the shoulder as he passes, and Jared stands there for a minute in the dark kitchen and just thinks. He should probably go home. He’s been spending enough nights here as it is; Jim’s going to get suspicious and Jared _is_ going to tell him about Jensen but he wants it to be on his own terms, not because Jim finds out accidentally. But then, the thought of staying makes Jared really, really happy. So he does. He goes back to Jensen’s room, to find him sprawled in the bed where Jared left him. Just the sight of him has a smile tugging at the corners of Jared’s mouth. He leans over and kisses Jensen on the lips because he can’t help it, and Jensen doesn’t wake up but his lips purse a little like he’s unconsciously trying to kiss Jared back. And then Jared pulls his hoodie off because he wants to feel Jensen’s warm skin close to his without thick cotton in the way, and then he crawls into the bed and pulls Jensen’s lax body in close. Jensen sighs in his sleep and snuggles into Jared’s chest, and Jared wraps his arms around him and smiles to himself as he falls asleep.

Jared’s maybe starting to understand why people go to bars and parties and dating services and ask their friends to set them up and put themselves through the torture of blind dates, and however else people meet each other. They’re all looking for _this_ , and now that Jared has it, he gets why everyone wants it so much.

_The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being. – Tom Robbins_


	6. Chapter 6

_Love is a serious mental disease. – Plato_

Jensen hasn’t seen Jared in almost two weeks. He’s never been to a single university course in his life – he’s never even set foot in a classroom – but midterms, he quickly decides, are the worst thing anyone has ever invented. He actually looks up on his computer who invented them on the off chance that they’re still alive so he can correct that cosmic mistake, but the closest he can find is that final examinations were thought up in, like, ancient China or something. So Jensen’s out of luck. He just goes crazy for twelve days, not seeing Jared or kissing him or touching him or smelling him; the best he gets are a few texts a day and a couple of brief phone calls during which Jared sounds busy and tired and stressed. Once all Jared’s tests are over, Jensen’s going to have to bring out the big guns to help him relieve all that stress. He’s pretty sure he’s up to the challenge. As long as he doesn’t die from missing Jared too much before he gets the chance.

“Can you die from missing someone?” he asks Christian, realizing way, way too late that he actually just _said that out loud_ and fuck, Jensen wants the floor to open up and swallow him but of course it doesn’t. Stupid floor.

Chris gets this huge, ridiculous, totally irritating grin on his face, and goes, “Sweet mother of fuck. You are _adorable_.”

“Shut up,” Jensen mutters. “That wasn’t what I meant to say.”

“What did you mean to say?”

“I don’t know. Something much more manly. Somethin’ about blue-balls.”

A frown creases Christian’s forehead. “Dude, are you not cleanin’ the pipes? Pretty sure you can die from _that_.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “You can not. Where did you hear that?”

“I don’t know. It’s just something people say.”

“Well people are stupid. And in case you’re basing any other life decisions on crap your grandmother used to tell you, lightening constantly strikes in the same place twice, you won’t get sick if you go outside with wet hair, and an apple a day doesn’t do shit except increase how much money you spend buying apples.”

Christian chuckles and shrugs. “Whatever, man. You’re still adorable.”

“You’re a dick.”

Chris winks at him, still with that shit-eating grin all over his face, and walks away chanting, “Jared and Jensen, sittin’ in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G.”

Jensen scowls after him, and then mutters to himself, “No one fucks in _trees_ ,” even though he’s well aware that there’s no one around to hear him so he now looks like a crazy person on top of a giant pussy who misses Jared so much he’s taken to snuggling an extra pillow at night just to have something in his arms.

Finally, on Friday, Jared writes his last exam at three o’clock and he texts Jensen that he’s outside exactly two hours, twelve minutes, and twenty-seven seconds later, and Jensen nearly knocks Christian on his ass in his haste to get to the door. When he gets to the landing at the bottom of the stairs, he wrenches the door open so hard he’s almost surprised the hinges don’t crack, and he grabs an exhausted-looking Jared and kisses him so hard he tastes blood and doesn’t give a fuck about it.

“ _Shit_ , I missed you,” Jared mumbles, slamming Jensen up against the wall and ravaging his mouth.

Jensen doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry or hump up against Jared’s thigh or suck on Jared’s lips until they’re purple so he sort of does all four at the same time. “Don’t do that to me again.”

“What, have midterms?” Jared asks with a grin. “You were the one who told me how important my education is and kicked me outta your bed to go to class once, remember?”

“Yeah, well, I’m a fucking moron. Don’t ever listen to me. Ever.”

“You gonna ask me how I did?”

“Later.” Jensen grabs his hand and pulls him up the stairs.

When they get up to the apartment, Christian yells, “Hi Jared!!” loudly and obnoxiously but Jensen completely ignores him in favor of dragging Jared back to his bedroom. He slams the door behind them and then pushes Jared into it and kisses him again.

“He’s gonna know,” Jared says softly, although the way he wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist and pulls him in closer betrays the protest in his voice. “That we’re …”

“You care?”

For just a second, Jared thinks about it. Then he reaches down, hooks his arms under Jensen’s legs, and lifts him right off the ground. He stumbles a few steps forward and then dumps Jensen unceremoniously onto his bed, and swoops immediately down on top of him and kisses him again. He rolls his hips into Jensen’s and sweeps his tongue around in Jensen’s mouth, and Jensen’s head spins.

“Not even a little bit,” Jared answers, his voice deep and rough and it zip-lines straight to Jensen’s cock. He’s not sure how he managed to survive twelve whole days without this, but he doesn’t want to have to do it ever again.

Later, after an hour of rolling around and warm, demanding kisses and scorching hot skin pressed against scorching hot skin and needy, grabby hands stroking achingly hard cocks – during which they both came twice and Jensen decided, after a lot of very careful consideration, that there is nothing on the planet hotter than Jared all sweaty and messy-haired and already sated and fucked-out but still desperate for more – Jensen flops down on the couch beside Jared and brushes the bangs out of his eyes. Jared’s back in the sweats and hoodie he wore to his exam and Jensen’s in boxers and a t-shirt because it’s a lot comfier than putting his jeans back on, and thankfully Christian left to spend the evening with his parents in Plano, so Jensen doesn’t feel weird about sitting around in the living room in his underwear. Not that Chris hasn’t seen him in his underwear before, but still. Usually they make at least a moderate effort to wear clothes outside of their own bedrooms.

Jared smiles, all shy and bashful like when Jensen first met him, and his cheeks redden just slightly.

“What?” Jensen asks, smiling and frowning at the same time.

Jared shrugs. “Just, uh. That was … really …”

“Hot?” Jensen suggests with a grin.

“Sure. Not quite what I was gonna say, but yeah.”

“What were you gonna say?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

Jensen leans forward and kisses him, leaving his forehead pressed against Jared’s when he pulls away because sometimes he thinks Jared finds it easier to say things if he doesn’t have to look at Jensen while he’s doing it. “Matters to me.”

“It was …” Jared exhales deeply, bring his hands up to the sides of Jensen’s face and tracing his thumbs in arcs over Jensen’s skin. “I’ve had a, uh … different life. Than most people. And I guess part of me never really believed I’d have something like this, you know? Someone … wanting me. Want to be like _that_ with me. Wanting … passion? I guess that’s the right word. Sex that was ... y’know, all wild and uncontrollable but still meant something more than just the physical stuff.”

It’s on the tip of Jensen’s tongue to point out that that wasn’t _actually_ sex, but at the last second he catches himself because he realizes Jared’s being really serious, and that he’s opening himself up in a way he usually doesn’t. Jensen gets the impression that wasn’t easy for Jared to say out loud. And, also, it occurs to him that maybe sex doesn’t only mean one thing. All of Jensen’s adult life, sex has meant what the dictionary would define it as, but somehow, with Jared, it’s different. It doesn’t matter that it was technically hand-jobs and sloppy kisses and rutting against each other. He kisses Jared again, gently, and slides just a little bit closer on the couch.

“I hope one day you’ll tell me about your different life,” he murmurs. “Not today. ‘Cause I want you to want to. But until then, just believe that words can’t describe how much I want you. How much I go crazy when you’re not here, how much I can barely keep my hands off you when you _are_ here. Like tonight.”

Jared nods. “Me too. I guess that’s what I meant I thought wouldn’t ever happen to me. I’ve … I’ve got a lot of insecurities. I wish I didn’t. But I’ve earned them, believe me.”

“And, see, I can’t understand why you don’t get that you’re the most gorgeous guy on the planet,” Jensen says, with a smile and another quick kiss to Jared’s lips. “Your body alone, fuck, Jare. You’re a walking wet dream.”

Jared laughs a little, like he’s actually surprised. “I am?”

“Seriously. And everything else too. Your eyes are _beautiful_. Always a different color, every time I look at you. And your smile …” He drags the pad of his thumb over the dimple digging into Jared’s left cheek. “I love these. I don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to make you smile so I can see them.”

Jared nods again, slower this time and accompanied with a deep breath. “Thanks. You’re … you shouldn’t have to convince me to have confidence in myself. But thanks for doing it anyway. I’m gonna try harder to start believing it, okay?  And it’s … I’m just really happy I met you.”

Jensen’s about to say that he is too, when he hears thumping coming from the stairwell that sounds like someone’s stomping up them, and Jensen whips his head around just in time to catch his little sister waltzing through the front door like she owns the place. She stops short when she catches sight of Jensen and Jared on the couch, jingly earrings swaying around her shoulders and through her blond curls.

“Oh … my God,” she says dramatically.

“What the fuck, Mack?! Didn’t anyone ever teach you to knock?” Jensen groans, glaring over at his sister and extracting himself hastily from Jared’s arms.

She snickers, stops, glances back and forth between Jared and Jensen, and then doubles over in a fit of giggles. “Jesus Christ. Why? If I knocked I’d have missed out on my big brother making out with a dude! And not even wearing pants. You slut.”

“Hilarious. Jared Padalecki, this is my _annoying_ little sister Mackenzie.”

Jared smiles shyly. He seems only slightly embarrassed at having been caught. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“Well, hello there, Jared Padalecki. The pleasure is _all_ mine,” she answers, much too smoothly for Jensen’s liking, and he scowls at her while Jared blushes an impressive crimson.

“Alright, just where in the hell did you learn how to talk like that?” Jensen demands.

She rolls her eyes and tosses her purse and backpack to the floor. “Whatever, Dad. You are _such_ a prude.”

“I am not!” Jensen protests, but Mackenzie lets out a funny little noise of surprise and cuts him off.

“Wait! I know you!” she says to Jared. “You got to UTD, right?”

“Um, yeah,” Jared answers warily.

“I’ve totally seen you around! I think you’re in my chem lab.”

“Tuesdays at four-thirty?”

“How awful is Mr. Morton’s comb-over?!” she shrieks piercingly by way of an answer.

“It’s pretty bad,” Jared laughs. “What are you studying?”

“Don’t know yet. It’s my first semester. Psychology maybe. You?”

“Um, I’m not totally sure yet either. Political science, probably. I wanna be a lawyer.”

“You’d make a good one,” she comments with a wry smile. “Just flash the judge those dimples, he’d rule in your favor every time.”

Jared grins uncomfortably again and drops his gaze down to the floor, and Jensen rolls his eyes. “For the love of _God_ , Weasel. Are you seriously hitting on him right in front of me?”

“Don’t call me Weasel! And what, can’t handle the competition?” she returns. “Give me a week, I bet I could turn him back.”

“Alright, have you embarrassed my boyfriend enough? Did you actually want something or are you here for the sole purpose of being irritating?”

“Hostile, much?” Mackenzie sticks her tongue out at him. “Can’t a girl visit her big brother without getting the fifth degree?”

“Third.”

“What?”

“The expression is ‘the third degree’.”

“Yeah, well this is two degrees worse! Now are you going to invite me to stay for dinner or do I actually have to ask? I thought Mom raised you better than that.”

“Subtle,” Jensen huffs and shakes his head fondly, glancing at Jared. “Do you mind?”

“No, ‘course not,” Jared says, like he really means it, and Jensen may have just fallen for him even more.

Jensen smiles at him, and then he turns back to Mackenzie and raises an eyebrow. “Okay, Weasel, you’re in. _This_ time.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” She rolls her eyes again and kicks her shoes off. “I gotta pee.”

“But later we are _going_ to have a conversation about your inability to pick up a phone!” Jensen yells after her as she disappears down the hall. “Sorry about this,” he says to Jared.

“It’s cool, she seems nice.”

“Don’t be fooled. She’s psychotic.”

Jared chuckles. “Well, she obviously doesn’t care that you’re gay, so that’s something.”

“Yeah,” Jensen snorts. “She thinks it’s, and I’m quoting here, ‘adorable and confusingly hot’ that I’m into dudes. Which is seriously messed up, if you ask me. Although she never does.”

Jared laughs again, longer and brighter this time, and Jensen can’t help the ridiculous smile that’s on his face. He loves Jared’s laugh.

“Hey, um, can I ask you something?” Jared starts tentatively.

“Sure.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Oh.” Jensen cringes, his chest clenching uncomfortably. “Shit, I’m sorry, was that …?”

“No, I … I mean, we just hadn’t said that yet, you know?” Jared’s eyebrows are raised in question, but his lips are curved into a small smile. “But it’s okay, I … liked it.”

“Yeah?” Jensen smiles and shifts a little closer to Jared. “You wanna be my boyfriend, Jared Padalecki?”

Jared smiles and nods, and Jensen leans forward and kisses him, soft and warm and so perfect he wishes it never had to stop.

“Good,” he whispers against Jared’s lips.

“Aww,” Mackenzie coos from somewhere behind them, and Jensen rolls his eyes.

“Not cool, Mack.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! It’s a tiny apartment and Kane isn’t even here to entertain me while you two sit there making goo-goo eyes at each other! I mean, unless you’d like me to keep myself busy by going through your room or something, which I could totally do except I doubt you’d want me stumbling across the disgusting remnants of your raucous love making. I’m not exactly a blushing bride over here, but I think finding a condom my _brother_ used would scar even me, and what’s for supper, by the way? I’m starving.”

Jensen closes his eyes and tries very hard not to laugh. “Told you, she’s certifiable,” he whispers just to Jared, and then he kisses the corner of his mouth and gets up off the couch to face his smirking sister. “You do realize you just said ‘used condom’ and ‘supper’ in the same sentence, right? And, also, you wanna elaborate on the whole _not_ a blushing bride thing?”

“Oh, please. As if you were a virgin at my age.”

“I was!”

She glares at him for a second, and then she turns her gaze to Jared and he nods, and she rolls her eyes again and cries, “Prudes! All of you.”

“Alright, whatever. But look, as weathered as I am to your particular brand of crazy, Jared just met you like ten seconds ago so maybe you could reel it back in just a little? I’d like him to want to come back after tonight.”

“Oh, I have no doubt you’ve wooed him sufficiently, Jenny-Bean,” she jokes. “Your Southern charm could be weaponized.”

“That sounds like a compliment, but it’s not, is it?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be, handsome. Now seriously, make me some Goddamn food. My stomach is eating itself over here.”

“Mind if I put some pants on first?”

Mackenzie hums and shrugs. “I mean, I’d prefer it. But maybe Jared likes those chicken legs.”

The evening actually goes a lot better than Jensen would’ve envisioned. For all Mackenzie’s shamelessness, she’s quick-witted and funny and Jensen’s always loved hanging out with her. She gets along really well with Jared, which makes Jensen really happy for reasons he isn’t sure of. Maybe because it makes him feel like Jared belongs in his life. And to her credit, she does manage to mostly restrain herself and only makes Jared blush once or twice more, so all in all it turns into a nice evening. She makes Jared laugh a lot. Sometimes Jensen feels like Jared is holding himself back, so he loves seeing Jared so happy and unrestrained. When Jared leaves, he says he had a good time and he kisses Jensen on the lips, voluntarily and right in front of Mackenzie, which is definitely progress. It means Jared’s getting more comfortable with the whole thing.

Jensen’s so busy being proud of Jared, of his _boyfriend_ , that he doesn’t notice Mackenzie plopping down onto the couch beside him until she’s waving her hand in front of his face.

“Helloooo? Anyone home?”

“Sorry,” he mutters, giving himself a little shake. “Did you say something?”

“Oh my God, you’re just too precious,” she groans. “You were thinking about him, huh? Y’know, I’ve got some heavy-duty headphones in my bag, if you wanna call him back up here ...”

Jensen laughs humorlessly. “Anyone ever tell you you’re not as funny as you think you are?”

“Constantly. Okay, so spill, what’s the deal with him?”

“Deal?”

“Like, where did you meet and how long have you been together and are you aware that you both look at each other with the most ridiculous doe-eyes when the other one isn’t looking?”

“Shut up, no we don’t!”

“Dude, you totally do. It’s so sweet it’s sickening.”

Jensen shakes his head and chuckles reluctantly. “You’re lucky I have to love you, you know that?”

“Aw, such a charmer.” She rolls her eyes and punches him lightly on the arm. “Seriously, tell me.”

“Um, we met at the shop,” Jensen says. “He brought his uncle’s car in, and we got to talking, and then it just kind of … went from there. And it’s been … I don’t know, like three months?”

“What?” she cries. “I’ve talked to you a zillion times in the last three months, why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jensen!”

“I don’t!” he insists. “I just … I guess I wanted to be sure about him before I went around telling people. And he’s kind of … not _completely_ out. So I didn’t wanna make a big thing about it before he was into it.”

“Oh.” There’s a little frown creasing her forehead but she doesn’t say anything else, and Jensen exhales heavily.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t purposely keeping it from you, I swear.”

“I’m not Mom and Dad, Jensen,” Mackenzie says seriously. “I wouldn’t … I mean, you know that, right? I’ve always been totally cool with you being gay.”

“Yeah, I know that. Just … don’t tell them, alright? Please?”

“It’s fine, I get it. And of course I’m not gonna tell Mom and Dad,” she sighs. “They’d freak. But Jen, I really like him, okay? And he really likes you.”

“You think so?” Jensen asks hopefully.

“I know so. So don’t mess it up.”

____

  
Mackenzie decides to stay the night – she just _luckily_ had a pair of PJs and a toothbrush in her backpack and Jensen rolled his eyes so many times he was starting to worry about permanent damage, but he lets her because Christian’s staying over at his parents’ anyway – and he’s making them coffee and scrambled eggs when he hears the instantly recognizable sound of Chris’ footsteps in the hallway.

“Dude, it smells like fuckin’ flowers in here and there are tiny, sparkly shoes on the mat!” Christian calls as he kicks the door shut behind him and struggles not to lose grip on the three or four paper grocery bags in his arms. “Either you’ve gone hetero on me or my favorite Ackles is here!”

Mackenzie chooses that moment to step out of the bathroom in a whirl of pink pajamas and citrus-scented air, and Chris all but drops the bags in his haste to spread his arms wide.

“Mackie!” he shouts, and she squeals and runs at him, nearly bowling Jensen over in the process.

“Kaner!” she shouts back, jumping into his arms and peppering messy kisses all over his face.

“Dude, get off him!” Jensen cries, laughing as Christian stumbles and almost lands both of them in a pile on the floor. “Your fixation with my roommate is progressing from cute to creepy, here, Mack!”

“He’s not just your roommate!” Mackenzie pronounces dramatically. “He’s your hero, Jensen! The great Christian Kane, savior of sad little gay boys everywhere! That, and, he was the first boy I ever kissed a picture of before I went to sleep at night.”

“Where did you get a picture of me?” Christian demands.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Christian cracks up.

“Do you see what I have to put up with?” Jensen complains. “She’s a nightmare.”

“She’s fuckin’ hilarious,” Chris argues. Mackenzie swoons fakely and bats her eyelashes at him, and Jensen shakes his head exasperatedly.

“He has a girlfriend, you know,” he points out.

“That’s right!” Mackenzie cries. “I almost forgot, I have a bone to pick with you about that!”

“Sorry, kid, got tired of waiting for you,” Christian grins.

“That’s not even it! Although, lock your doors, cause seriously, I am coming for you one day, Kane,” she warns, wagging a finger menacingly in his face.

“Alright, hold on,” Jensen interrupts. “It’s messed up that I even have to say this, but Mackenzie Ackles, you are seventeen years old and Chris is almost thirty! If you two ever started dating he’d end up in jail!”

Mackenzie ignores him. “My _problem_ , since you cared so much to ask, is that she’s Danneel flippin’ Harris! And you are a big, hairy, mountain man without a single inch of class so how on _earth_ did you manage to score a fine piece of socialite ass like that?!”

“Did you just call me ugly?” Christian asks incredulously, and Jensen chuckles.

“It was his charm, Mack. I’ve seen him on his game, he’s like a snake-oil salesman. The poor girl didn’t stand a chance.”

“And hey, some chicks dig big hairy mountain men, _and_ , she’s not always so classy herself,” Chris adds with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Mackenzie pretends to gag. “Well that’s just lovely. I guess she’s a significant step up from the biker-bar trash you usually date.”

“I feel like I should be insulted by that,” Christian comments lightly, grabbing the grocery bags from off the floor and hauling them into the kitchen.

“You know what this means, don’t you?” Mackenzie asks.

“What?”

“Of the three of us, I am the only one not currently in a loving, committed, respectable relationship. You two are some of the biggest hound dogs in the state and suddenly _I’m_ the only badass one in the room.”

“Yeah, the pink daisies on your PJs really spell rebel,” Jensen jokes.

“You better believe it, sailor.” Mackenzie raises an eyebrow at him, turning to saunter away back to the bathroom and calling over her shoulder, “Y’know, the fact that you knew these were daisies just means you’re even more of a ‘mo than I thought you were. And I gotta tell you, it doesn’t get much gayer than making out with a dude bigger than Kane.”

The door shuts with a soft click behind her, and Jensen runs a hand over his face and laughs quietly, half in irritation and half in amusement.

“So I take it she’s met Jared?” Christian snickers.

“She wouldn’t have if she knew how to _knock_ before entering someone else’s home. But clearly, the girl was raised in a barn, so yes, she’s met Jared.”

“What’d she think?”

“About Jared? She liked him. I think. She talks so much about nothing it’s hard to tell sometimes.”

“She’s not gonna tell your parents, is she?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nah. She’s cool. I mean, she’s not _cool_ , but you get it.”

“Yeah.” Chris crosses the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee.

“How’re your folks?” Jensen asks.

“Good. Same as usual. Pressuring me to let them meet Danneel.”

“You don’t want them to?”

“I think she’d terrify them,” Chris says with a fond chuckle. “So, you have fun last night before Mackie showed up? You seemed pretty, uh … what’s the nice way to say hard-up?”

“Um … lonely,” Jensen answers. “And yeah, we … yeah.”

He can’t help smiling just a little at the memory of how gorgeous Jared was, and how good he felt, and Chris notices and grins even wider. “Good to hear, man. I’m happy for you guys. Happy it’s goin’ so well.”

“Yeah. I am too.”

____

  
Jared’s going to tell Jim about him and Jensen. He needs to. At first, he wanted to keep it to himself because he didn’t know what was going to happen with them and he didn’t want to make a big deal about something that might turn out to be nothing. Then, he didn’t say anything because, as much as he doesn’t _want_ to feel this way, there’s still something inside him that says wanting another man the way he wants Jensen isn’t right. He’s a Texan and he was raised in a religious household, he can’t help it. But nothing has ever made Jared even a fraction as happy as Jensen does. His smile lights Jared up inside like a pinball machine. The way he feels when they’re together isn’t something he can dismiss as infatuation or friendship or any other words he might be tempted to use to downplay what they have because it still scares him sometimes. Whatever he feels for Jensen, it’s _real_ , and it’s good, and it isn’t something Jared wants to give up because he’s too afraid to let the people in his life know who he really is.

He hosts a quick debate in his head over the pros and cons of who to tell first – his uncle or his friends – but then he decides Jim is the most important person to tell so it’ll be easier to get him out of the way as soon as possible. Jared finds him in the kitchen on Saturday afternoon, and he hides just out of sight in the stairwell for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and trying not to let his nerves talk him out of this. Eventually, he finds the strength to force one foot in front of the other, and then he’s there, standing on the cold laminate tile of the kitchen floor, and there’s no turning back now.

“Hey, Uncle Jim? Can I … are you busy?” Jared tugs on his sleeves, compulsively pulling them down over his hands.

Jim looks up from the toaster he’s attempting to fix, raising an eyebrow suspiciously. “You haven’t called me Uncle in years. What did you do?”

Jared blinks, and then laughs shakily. The man knows him too well. “It’s nothing like that. At least I don’t think so. Just … there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Alright, shoot.” Jim puts the screwdriver down and folds his arms on the table, leaning forward onto them.

“I … I’m not sure how to …” Jared sniffs and looks down again. His palms are sweaty, there’s an uncomfortable pounding behind his eyes, and his heart is beating so fast it’s threatening to explode right out of his chest. He’s never been so nervous in his life – he’s never felt like so much was at stake before. “It’s not that easy to say,” he mumbles.

Jim considers him for a moment; even though Jared’s not looking directly at him he can _feel_ Jim’s eyes on him, watching him closely.

“Just sit down and spit ‘er out,” he advises gruffly, pretty much the closest the man ever comes to being understanding or sympathetic.

Jared sits, anxiously picking at a hangnail so he has something to focus on other than Jim’s piercing gaze, but it doesn’t help him find the words. It’s not that he really thinks Jim’s going to be mad at him or something, it’s just … he _could_ be. And Jensen’s whole story about coming out and then being kicked out of his house – Jared’s glad Jensen told him about it, but it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence now that he’s about to take the same risk.

He must look about as miserable as he feels, because after a minute Jim clicks his tongue softly, and reaches out tentatively to pat Jared’s forearm. When he speaks, his voice is gentler than Jared’s ever heard it.

“C’mon, kiddo. You gotta know by now there’s ... ” he pauses. “There isn’t anything you can’t say to me. Especially after – well. Everything.”

Everything. Which not-so-subtly means _that_ thing. Jared was wondering when that would surface in all this. It’s making an appearance earlier than he thought. An hour ago when he was running all this over in his head, he’d sort of assumed it would come up in the form of _‘how the fuck can you be a homo after what happened? Are you really that sick, that damaged?’_

God. Jared’s got about seven seconds to force this out or he’s gonna chicken out completely. And he _can’t_ do that – he needs this to be out in the open, partly because he’s tired of lying to the people he cares about but mostly because Jensen’s given so much of himself to their relationship and the _least_ Jared can do in return is give him this. Jensen deserves to have a boyfriend he doesn’t have to hide.

“I like guys,” he blurts out, much louder than he meant to, his whole face immediately exploding into an intense blush and heart jack-hammering in his chest.

“Oh.” Jim pauses, and Jared steels himself for the blow-back, but then Jim just says, “So … I guess that Jensen boy isn’t just a new friend, then?”

Jared shakes his head, his cheeks lit up like a sunburn.

“You wanna tell me about it?”

Jared looks up in surprise. “Really?”

Jim shrugs one shoulder. “If you want. I’ll … I don’t know much about all – this. But I’d listen, if … well.”

“We just … um. I don’t know. I don’t know how it happened. I met him when I took your car in, you know that much, and then … it just kind of …”

“Happened,” Jim finishes. He looks about as awkward as Jared feels, but he isn’t yelling or storming out or anything, so Jared takes that as a minor win.

Jared nods, and then neither of them say anything for a minute or two. Jared feels sick. Jim is the person who saved his life, Jared probably wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for him. He’s Jared’s friend and his parental figure and his only real family. If he lost him over this, Jared doesn’t know what he would do. He’s not brave like Jensen is. He’s already started his life over once, when Jim took him in, and he doesn’t think he’d have the strength to do it again.

But then Jim pats his arm again, and says, “Thanks for tellin’ me.”

Jared swallows nervously over a lump in his throat. “You don’t … care?”

“I … it’s not about carin’, Jared. You’re – well, you’re not my son, but you’re as good as. The only thing any good surrogate father wants is for their kid to be happy, so if Jensen is what makes you happy, then that’s the important thing. It’s just … it’ll take some gettin’ used to, alright? This ain’t San Francisco, it’s not like this is somethin’ people like me are exposed to on a daily basis.”

“Yeah.” Jared cringes and swallows again. “I know.”

“But it’s not about _you_. You gotta remember that. If this is who you are, then there’s nothin’ wrong with that. It’s not _bad_ , okay? It’s just … different. It’ll take some time for me to wrap my head around it. But you and me are just the same as we always were. We’re family, nothin’ changes that, you hear me?”

Jared nods, and manages a small smile. “Yeah. I hear you. Do you … um. Would you wanna meet him?”

Jim pauses again, for longer this time, but then he nods. “It might not be as easy for me as you’ll be hopin’. But yeah, I would. Invite him over for dinner or something, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Jim.”

“Don’t thank me. S’what family’s for.”

As awkward as the conversation is, Jared does feel better once it’s over. Telling Genevieve is considerably easier, but then telling Chad is terrifying. She’s completely cool about it, like Jared thought she’d be, although it’s a relief nonetheless.

“You said person,” she says, like it’s some kind of revelation.

“What?” Jared asks, confused.

“That day, in the student lounge, when we were talking about how we’re not secretly in love with each other. I asked you why you haven’t dated much and you said because you hadn’t found the right person. Not girl, _person_. I should have picked up on that.”

“Gen, that was beyond subtle. It was an offhand remark, I didn’t even realize I said it. No one would have figured anything out from something that small.”

“Yeah, well. I still should’ve. Anyway, I think it’s awesome, okay? I’m happy you’re happy. And, also, don’t worry about telling Chad.”

Jared never told her he _was_ worried about telling Chad – evidently she knows him that well. “Why not?”

“Because he’s a douche, but he’s your friend. He’ll probably be a little weird at first but he won’t care. And, I’ll kick his ass if he gives you a hard time.”

Chad doesn’t give Jared a hard time, not really, but he’s confused and maybe a little uncomfortable and Jared knows he’ll get past it, he knows Chad is his friend and that’s the only thing that matters, but he hates having to put them in this position. He doesn’t want things to be different now between them. Chad is the best friend Jared’s ever had. He likes the way they’ve always been, joking around together, easy and relaxed and uncomplicated. Jared wouldn’t know what to do if suddenly that changed, and if anything _could_ change it, it’s this.

But then it’s done. Everyone he cares about knows who Jared really is, knows he’s with Jensen and that Jensen makes him happy, and it’s like a weight lifted off Jared’s chest. Like suddenly he can breathe again. He feels even lighter when he goes over to Jensen’s later and Jensen’s face completely illuminates when Jared tells him they don’t have to keep their relationship a secret anymore. Jared knows just from the way Jensen kisses him that he made the right choice. For as long as he can remember, Jared has felt like something invisible was weighing him down, something more than the memories he tries so hard to shut out, but he never knew what it was until he met Jensen. Now he feels … free.

_Love is a necessity, not a luxury. Without it, humanity cannot survive. – Dali Lama XIV_


	7. Chapter 7

_Love is the strongest force the world possesses and yet it is the humblest imaginable. – Mahatma Gandhi_

A week after Jared comes out to his uncle and his friends, Jensen takes him out for dinner to celebrate. It’s their first actual date as official boyfriends, and it’s something that only sounds like it would be meaningful in those romantic comedies Jensen absolutely can’t stand, but for whatever reason it means a lot to him. They do end up running into someone Jared knows from school, a slightly odd but very friendly guy named Gabe who Jared says is in his Western Civ class, and Jared introduces Jensen as his boyfriend and lets Jensen hold his hand while the guy is still looking and Jensen feels all swollen with pride like he’s watching his son graduate from Med-school or something. And Gabe looks a little surprised about the whole thing – probably because Jared, with his height and his cowboy boots and his all-American good looks, doesn’t look anything like what most people imagine when they think of a gay guy – but not like he’s planning on running home for his torch and pitchfork and angry mob, and Jensen hopes Jared noticed that too. He remembers it being really important right after he came out to find out that there are lots of people who weren’t going to treat him any differently because of it.

Jensen doesn’t take him back to his apartment because Jared has to take a quiz in his first class in the morning and even though they’ve tried in the past to promise they’ll just go to sleep, they haven’t yet managed it. But he walks Jared to his door and kisses him goodnight, and when he tries to pull back Jared doesn’t let him so Jensen lets himself get lost in Jared’s mouth for another few minutes. He goes home with stars in his eyes and a warm, contented feeling in his stomach and the knowledge that Jared will come over tomorrow as soon as his classes are done. Jensen thinks maybe he loves him. He doesn’t know for sure, because he’s never told anyone he loves them before so he doesn’t know how much he’s supposed to care about Jared before it officially becomes love, but if Jensen had to guess, he’d say this is it. He figures there are no actual rules about it anyway since love is an abstract concept and not an actual, concrete object, and when he says the words _I love Jared_ in his head, it makes him happy. So that’s good enough for Jensen.

____

  
“I’ve got a proposition for you,” Christian says, walking into the kitchen holding a small stack of papers stapled together.

Jensen raises an eyebrow and Chris chuckles.

“Sorry. That sounded dirtier than I meant it to.”

“You know I’m taken, right?”

“Yes. And it’s gross how cute you two are. But I mean, like, a business proposition.”

Jensen just laughs and Chris huffs impatiently. “Fuck! There’s no way I can say that word and not have it sound sexual, is there?”

“I don’t think so.”

“So then just get your mind out of the gutter for half a second and let me tell you what it is.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“I want you to – or, I guess, I want to _offer_ you the chance to buy out half of the shop. Be my business partner instead of just a guy that works for me.”

Jensen blinks. It takes him a minute to wrap his head around that. “You – really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I know this started out as a temporary thing but you’ve been here for like seven years and it doesn’t seem like you’re goin’ anywhere. And you’re great with the cars, and you’re my best friend, and I want us to be … you know. Partners. In the non-dirty way.”

“I …” Jensen’s not entirely sure what to say. He wasn’t expecting this at all. “Why would you want that? I mean, it’s not like it’ll make you any more money.”

“Someday it might.” Chris sits down across from Jensen and puts the papers in front of him. “I’ve been talking to Danneel’s dad about it, he says he thinks we should try to open up a second shop one day soon. Really get this thing off the ground. He even said he’d talk to some of his buddies in real estate, see if he can find us a couple locations to take a look at. And, I mean, the man clearly knows what he’s talking about. He says it’s better to have two owners in a business like this. Makes it seem more legit, ‘cause then it’s like an actual company and not just some guy with a garage.”

Jensen gapes at him and shakes his head in amazement.

“What?” Christian asks with a self-conscious smile.

“Just … I mean, look at you, man. You’re the freakin’ American dream. Your picture should be up next to the Statue of Liberty. You bought this place when it was in foreclosure for what, a couple grand? And it’s not even ten years later and you’re thinking about expanding and talkin’ business with Ted Fuckin’ Harris. Did you ever think this is how your life would end up?”

Chris grins. “Not even close. But man, that’s why I want you in on this with me. So much of all that is because of you.”

“What? No it isn’t. You built this place without me, you had it all set up before I even got here.”

“The physical stuff, yeah. Like the lifts and the tools and all that. But I … I was kinda lost before you came on board, you know? I graduated high school and every single one of my friends went off to college and got fancy degrees and jobs and whatever, and I was just left here. I was alone and I had no direction or goals or anything. I bought this place on a whim ‘cause my Gramps died and left me some cash and I thought maybe this was something I could be good at one day. But I was still kinda wandering. And then you came along, and you were this scared little kid whose parents had just kicked him out and whose life was totally in pieces and …” Christian pauses, and chuckles a little as he runs a hand through his long hair. “You needed me, but the truth is I needed you too. You bein’ here forced me to step up and be a man because I had to take care of you, and once I did that the rest of it started fallin’ into place.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that either. All these years, he’s thought Christian was the one who saved _his_ life. He sort of likes the idea that they saved each other.

“So do this with me,” Chris continues. “C’mon, we can even change the sign so your name’s on it too.”

“What are those?” Jensen asks, nodding toward the papers on the table.

“Legal shit to make this official. That’s part of the reason I went to see my parents the other week. I had my dad help me draw this all up.”

“I thought he was retired.”

“He is. Still knows what he’s doing, though.”

Jensen reaches over and slides the document closer, flipping through the contract and frowning. “I have no idea what any of this means.”

“I don’t either. Dad said he’d help us, though. I mean, this is all only if you want to. But I think it’d be kinda awesome, don’t you?”

Jensen’s not usually very good at taking chances. But he doesn’t really want to be just a mechanic for the rest of his life, especially not if Jared’s going to be a lawyer. Being a co-owner of a business sounds a lot better. Like maybe he’s finally growing up. “Yeah. Definitely. Let’s do it.”

Two weeks later, they hire a small crane and a couple freelance construction workers Chris met at some bar to help them put up the enormous new neon sign he ordered. It says _Ackles & Kane Custom Detailing_, and Jensen never really imagined he’d ever see his name up in neon somewhere but it feels really, really good. And Jared’s there watching, and as the crane is slowly lifting the sign up, Jared slides his arms around Jensen from behind, kisses his cheek, and whispers, “I am so proud of you,” into Jensen’s ear. And that feels even better.

____

  
“Should I call him Sir?” Jensen asks, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder so he can pull on a pair of jeans. He’s going over to Jared’s tonight to meet his uncle, and he loves that Jared _wants_ him to meet Jim but he’s not really looking forward to it. Jensen wants Jim to like him, and he feels like Jim won’t because, technically, Jensen is the guy who made Jared realize he wanted to be with men. Jensen hasn’t ever been in this situation before – he’s never actually _dated_ anyone long enough to be asked to meet someone’s parents. He doesn’t know for sure, but he’s anticipating it’s going to be completely uncomfortable to be in a room with the parental figure of the guy he’s having sex with. Even if technically they haven’t had sex yet.

“He’s not really that kinda guy,” Jared answers.

“Okay. What kinda guy is he?”

“I don’t know. He’s … like you and me.”

“So, gay.”

Jared laughs. “Not that part.”

Jensen doesn’t know why he’s nervous. He’s a nice, respectful guy and he has a good, stable job, and really cares about Jared. On paper, he’s everything a parent would want in a person their son is dating. There’s no reason why Jim shouldn’t like him. But he’s still worried.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Jared says, although something in his voice says he doesn’t quite believe that himself.

“Pretty sure I’m the one who’s supposed to be freaking out about this,” Jensen points out. “Not you.”

“Sorry.” Jared sighs. “He’s gonna like you, okay? It isn’t that.”

“Then what?”

“I just … this is …”

“I know,” Jensen cuts in gently. And he does. He doubts he’ll ever actually get to bring someone home to meet _his_ parents, not that he’d want to anyway since they’re assholes, but he does get that it wouldn’t be easy. Boys are supposed to be with girls; every kid is told that and grows up believing that’s the way things should be. Jensen’s been out of the closet long enough that he’s over all that – the feeling like there’s something wrong with him, like he’s letting his family down by not turning out the way they wanted him to – but this is all still new to Jared. Jensen knows better than anyone how hard this is.

“He said he was okay with this. I’m just worried once he actually sees it, like sees you and knows this is all _real_ , he’s gonna change his mind.”

“You really think he would?”

“I don’t know,” Jared admits in a small voice. “He’s the only family I’ve got, Jen. If I didn’t have him anymore, I …”

“You’d still have me,” Jensen promises. “And look, I don’t know him, but he raised you to be a pretty awesome person, right? So he’s gotta be pretty cool too. Give him a chance. He might surprise you.”

“He loves me,” Jared says, like he’s trying to convince himself.

“Yeah, he does. If he sees that I make you happy, that’s all he’ll care about.”

Jared exhales heavily again, but then he says, “Okay.”

“I do make you happy, right?” Jensen asks. He’s pretty sure he knows the answer, but he still wants Jared to say it.

“Yeah,” Jared says softly, and Jensen can hear the smile on his face. “Happier than I’ve ever been.”

“Good. Okay, I’m on my way.”

Jared’s waiting for him on the front stoop of his house when Jensen pulls his car up onto the driveway. He’s sitting on the top step, way too big to look as small as he does sitting there, staring at his hands. Jensen can see the apprehension crinkling his forehead from the street, but then when Jared hears the car and looks up, he smiles. And Jensen smiles too, because he really likes being the reason Jared’s face looks like that. His eyes sparkle when he smiles, and the dimples that drive Jensen crazy dig into his cheeks. Jensen parks and gets out, and Jared jogs over to meet him on the driveway. He greets Jensen with a hug, and then Jensen holds the sides of his face and brushes his lips over Jared’s.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Jensen answers. “Ready?”

“Not really.”

“It’s gonna be fine. I promise.”

Jared nods. He leads Jensen inside, and it occurs to Jensen that he’s never actually been inside Jared’s house before. He’s been outside it a couple of times, but whenever they hang out they do it at Jensen’s place. It’s almost the complete opposite of the house Jensen grew up in. His house was pristine – everything perfectly decorated, accents of white and lavender and pale blue, and immaculately cleaned and washed and dusted and nothing was ever out of place even for a second. Jensen remembers the pastor from his parents’ church dropping by unexpectedly once while there were still grocery bags on the kitchen floor that his mother hadn’t finished putting away yet, and Jensen’s pretty sure that was the worst day of her life. This place kind of looks like a tornado tore through it. The furniture is shabby and mismatched, the carpet worn and stained in a few places. The end table next to the couch looks like Jared probably made it in woodshop in high school. There are things everywhere in places where they shouldn’t be – books of matches on the window sills and a stack of old hunting magazines on the floor next to the radiator and a screw-driver on the coffee table. Jensen loves it. It looks like a _home_ , and he still doesn’t know why Jared lives here instead of with his parents but it makes him happy to think of Jared growing up in a place like this.

Then Jim comes in from what Jensen assumes is the kitchen, and he’s sort of exactly what Jensen was imagining based on the house. He’s a little shorter than Jensen, and he’s scruffy and his clothes are out of date and a little rumpled and Jensen immediately likes him.

Jensen looks over at Jared, expecting to be introduced, but Jared just stands there frozen so Jensen does it for him. “Hi,” he says. “You must be Jim, I’m Jensen.”

Jim walks over and shakes Jensen’s hand. “Good to meet ya.”

“You have an awesome car,” Jensen tells him, remembering the reason he and Jared met in the first place. “My boss let me work on it when Jared brought it in ‘cause my dad had one just like it when I was a kid. He sold it before I was old enough to drive. I sorta hate him for it.”

Jim smiles just a little. “You could take her out for a spin some time if you want.”

Jensen blinks. “Really? That’d be amazing, thank you.”

“Can I get you anything? Beer? Coffee?”

“Coffee would be great.”

He nods and then disappears back into the kitchen. Jensen turns to Jared, frowning when Jared’s still just standing there staring into space.

“You okay?” he asks, glancing over to make sure Jim’s still out of the room and then stepping in front of Jared and putting a hand on his chest.

“Yeah,” Jared mutters. “Sorry.”

“Don’t have to be sorry. Just … he’s okay with this, Jare. He’s a little uncomfortable, maybe. But so are you. It doesn’t mean he’s gonna start screamin’ and throwin’ bibles at you.”

Jared nods. “Is that what your parents did to you?”

“Kinda.”

“M’sorry.” Jared brings his hands up to wrap around Jensen’s hips. Jensen always feels ridiculously small when he does that. “That shouldn’t have happened to you.”

Jensen shrugs. “It was a long time ago. C’mon. The sooner we get through this, the sooner you can come back to my place and let me make you forget about it.”

Jared smiles. “Okay.”

It goes a lot better than Jared seemed to think it would. Jim isn’t hateful or small-minded or intolerant, he’s just a man in his mid-fifties who’s lived his whole life in Texas and is completely out of his element sitting with his adopted son and his adopted son’s boyfriend. They talk, about the Cowboys and the unusually cool weather and cars and sort of nothing at all, but it’s really good. It’s just conversation, it’s _ordinary_ , and Jensen thinks it’s good for Jared to know it can be like this. It’s good for him too. This is what he always wanted from _his_ parents and never got.

After a while, Jared gets a call on his cell that he says is Chad about a presentation they’re working on together, and he leaves to take it with an apologetic smile.

“I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile this much. Not today, just in general,” Jim says after a minute, quietly and almost more to himself than to Jensen.

Jensen nods, and doesn’t bother trying to pretend it doesn’t make him happy to hear that.

“Do you … could I ask you some questions?” Jim asks, wincing like he’s uncomfortable and shifting slightly in his chair. “Couple’a things I’ve been wonderin’ about. Can’t really ask Jared.”

“Sure. Anything.”

Jim doesn’t continue for another minute. He just stares down at his hands folded on the table in front of him and looks uncertain. Jensen wracks his brain for something to say that would put him at ease, but before he can come up with anything, Jim says, “When did you know?”

“That I’m …?”

“Yeah.”

Jensen thinks about it for a moment. “It’s hard to put a date on it. ‘Cause it’s not like one day you just wake up and it hits you. But I guess … I was about sixteen.”

“How does it happen? How do you figure it out?”

“Same way straight people do. You’re walkin’ down the hall in school, see a pretty girl, think about holdin’ her hand, what she’d smell like, how it’d make you feel to make her laugh. ‘Cept I felt that way about the guys.”

“Are your parents …?”

Jensen presses his lips together and shakes his head. Between Jim and Jared and the thoughts in his own head, the topic of his parents has come up way too many times tonight for Jensen’s liking. He’s much happier when he just pretends they don’t exist. “No. When I told them what I was, they kicked me out. Haven’t seem them since.”

“How old were you?”

“Eighteen.”

Jim blows a heavy breath out through his nose. “There’s somethin’ wrong in the world when shit like that is allowed to happen.”

Jensen nods. “There really is.”

Jim sighs again, and leans forward a bit, resting his elbows on the table.

“What?” Jensen asks quietly.

“If you were a girl, this would be fine. It’d be easy and pleasant and just … _normal_. But because you’re a man, it’s weird. And Jared’s my kid, sort of, and you seem to make him happy and that should be what matters and I really hate that it’s still weird.”

Jensen licks his lips, dragging the bottom one between his teeth. “Y’know, needing some time to get your head around this doesn’t make you a bad person. Being a hundred percent okay with it right away isn’t the only way to be accepting. I think the fact that you wish it wasn’t weird makes you better than a lot of people.”

“Don’t tell Jared, alright? I don’t want him to think I …”

“I won’t,” Jensen promises. “But Jared … he doesn’t need this to be easy for you, because it wasn’t easy for him. He just needs to know you still love him.”

“Does he not know that?” Jim asks, looking up at Jensen with worry in the lines on his face.

Jensen shakes his head. “He absolutely does. So you’re doin’ something right.”

Jim nods again, and rubs his hand through his beard. “He’s different since he met you. More outgoing. Laughs more. So I guess you’re a good influence on him. Better than that Chad, anyway.”

Jensen chuckles. “I haven’t met him yet. I’ve heard stories.”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a sweet kid. He’s just kind of an idiot. But he cares about Jared, so I guess that’s the important thing.”

The Steelers are playing the Jets tonight, so when Jared gets off the phone they move into the living room to watch the second half of it, and Jared relaxes once they do that. It’s better, having something to concentrate on instead of the three of them sitting around the kitchen table trying not to think about how uncomfortable they all are. Jensen likes Jim. He knows that eventually, this will be easy. Jim will get used to Jensen being the guy his sort-of-son is sleeping with, and it’ll just morph into being _the way things are_ and won’t be an issue anymore. As the game ends, Jim is snoring in his armchair and Jared has stretched out on the couch with his head in Jensen’s lap, and none of them are paying any attention to the TV anymore. Jensen’s hand is resting flat in the center of Jared’s chest and Jared is tracing around his fingers with one of his own.

“This was good,” Jensen whispers, not wanting Jim to wake up because he knows Jared would pull away if he did.

Jared nods and keeps moving his finger along the outline of Jensen’s hand, like little kids do with crayons.

“You wanna come over?” Jensen asks.

“Yeah,” Jared whispers back. “But I … I don’t want him to think …”

Jensen just waits for Jared to finish. He slides his free hand through Jared’s hair, smoothing the bangs back off his forehead, and Jared leans slightly into the touch.

“I don’t want him to think I’m not comfortable here, you know? He worked really hard to make this a good home for me.”

“You really think he’d read that much into it?”

Jared shrugs, a frown darkening his face that for some reason makes him look like a frightened little boy scared of disappointing his parents, and Jensen’s heart aches for him a little bit. He leans over and kisses Jared sideways, just a soft brush of lips, but it’s enough that when Jensen sits back up, Jared’s smiling up at him.

“You’re right,” Jensen says. “If he wakes up and we’re both gone, he might think he did something wrong.”

“Yeah. Thanks for understanding.”

“‘Course. Tomorrow, though, okay? Can’t go that long without …”

He trails off, and Jared grins at him. “Without me, or without a happy ending?”

“Both,” Jensen answers, grinning back and kissing Jared again. “But more you.”

Jared sits up and walks him to the door, and he goes outside with Jensen and closes the door behind him and then grabs Jensen by the waist and kisses him for real – slow and deep and sensual and Jensen’s head spins. Jared slides his tongue into Jensen’s mouth, swirling it around Jensen’s and then licking over the roof of his mouth and his teeth and everywhere he can get to. Jensen grips handfuls of Jared’s hair just to keep himself grounded, and wishes to God they never had to stop.

“Enough to tide you over?” Jared asks, minutes later when he finally pulls back to gasp for breath.

“Or just rile me up.” Jensen laughs shakily and drops his forehead down to rest against Jared’s shoulder. His heart’s going much faster than it should be from just a kiss, but he’s starting to figure out that none of the normal rules apply when it comes to Jared. “Fuck. Want you too much. M’startin’ to wonder if it’s unhealthy.”

Jared laughs quietly, the low rumble of it reverberating in his chest and through Jensen’s body like a massage. He slides his arms further around Jensen’s waist so Jensen’s tucked up right against his big, solid chest. “Okay. How ‘bout this. You go home, get all comfy in your bed, and, uh … show yourself a good time. And I will too. And then tomorrow we can … reenact it.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “Well look who’s developing a kinky side.”

Jared chuckles. “That’s kinky? What about, like, latex and whips and shit?”

“Okay, maybe not quite kinky. Still sounds hot.”

Jared kisses the top of his head. “Get goin’, then.”

Jensen leans up and presses another quick kiss to his lips, and the he fishes around in his pocket for his keys and makes his way to his car. Just as he’s unlocking the door, Jared calls, “Hey Jensen?”

He turns around. “Yeah?”

Jared’s got his hands in his pockets and his head tipped down just a little like he’s self-conscious, and he says, “You … um. You could call me. If you want.”

It takes Jensen a couple seconds to figure out what he means by that, and then when he catches Jared’s gaze and gets it, suddenly he can’t get out of there fast enough.

____

  
Jared’s lying on his back in his bed, just relaxing and every now and then trailing his fingers up and down his chest, when his cell phone finally rings the tone he’d assigned to Jensen’s number a couple weeks ago. He reaches over blindly, groping around on his nightstand until he locates the little buzzing device, and he presses the button to answer it and brings it up to his ear.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“See, it’s stupid that even you saying that one word is sexy. But it is,” Jensen says, and Jared smiles.

“I love your voice,” he tells Jensen. “All deep and gravelly and … sometimes listening to you makes me feel like you’re touching me even when you’re not.”

“Are _you_ touching you?”

“Not yet. Impatient?”

“Hell yes.”

Jared chuckles. He should be nervous about this. He’s been so nervous it made him almost feel sick about everything else they’ve done. Maybe he’s developing some confidence. Or maybe he just wants Jensen so much that everything else has stopped mattering. “Where are you?”

“Bed. Like you said.”

“Naked?”

“Naked,” Jensen agrees, and Jared can hear the smile on his face. “Wishin’ you were here.”

“What would we be doing if I was?”

Jensen hums, and there’s rusting in the background. “Kissing. Those really good ones, ones that feel like I’ll forget how to breathe if we stop.”

“I like those.” Jared slides his hand down further, gently rubbing up and down the underside of his cock. It was interested the second the phone rang, but it hardens further under his touch.

“Me too. Shit. You’ve ruined this for me, you know. Your hands are so much better than mine.”

Jared lets his eyes fall closed, picking his cock up and starting to stroke it slowly. “You’re …?”

“Mhm. Feels good, but not as good as you would. You?”

“Yeah,” Jared breathes. He swipes his thumb over the head, pressing just a little into the slit, and moans softly.

“Wish I could see you,” Jensen says, another quiet little hum sending a rush of arousal through Jared’s chest. “Touch all that smooth skin. Taste you.”

“Like, my mouth?”

“Yeah. And … other places.”

The idea of doing that _does_ make Jared nervous, but it also makes something warm and tickly dance low in his gut. He’s once again struck by how amazing it is that Jensen wants him like that. Jared had resigned himself to the fact that he’d never get to experience things like this, and he’d been mostly okay with it. And then Jensen came along, and Jared doesn’t know how it’s possible he didn’t walk around every day feeling dead inside before he met Jensen.

“Only if you want,” Jensen adds, a slight note of worry in his voice.

“I … yeah,” Jared answers. He cups his hand around the head of his cock and twists a few times. “I do.”

“Tell me what you’re doing.”

“Same as you. Jerking off, thinkin’ about you.”

“Do you ever … touch yourself? You know, like …”

Jared knows. And it makes a blush explode on his cheeks and he has to close his eyes to admit it even though Jensen isn’t actually here, but he makes himself say, “Sometimes.”

“Why’re you embarrassed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, don’t be. It’s just me. And, it’s hot. You think – uh – I could? Next time? If you do it this certain way it’s really, really good.”

Jared suddenly feels like all the oxygen just got sucked from the room and from his lungs. He hears himself breathe out shakily and squeezes around his dick a little tighter. “Yeah. Okay.”

“What’m I doin’? In your head?”

“The, um, the hand on me is yours. Stroking while you kiss me. Squeezing, twisting a little. Feels …” he sighs, twinges of pleasure heating up his whole body as he closes his eyes and imagines everything he just said. “Fuck. Feels good.”

“You gettin’ close?”

“Mhm.” Jared reaches down to roll his balls in his hand a few times, his head swimming at the rustling he knows is Jensen stroking his own cock and the soft, barely-there noises he’s making.

“So beautiful, Jare,” Jensen murmurs with a quiet moan. “I dream about you when you’re not here. Like, a lot. Dream about all those fuckin’ sexy muscles, the way your hair feels between my fingers, how good your cock felt in my hand. Drives me crazy. Always wake up so fuckin’ hard, then I have to do this and then I just end up thinkin’ about you even more.”

Jared groans, his eyes slamming shut, and picks up the pace with his hand. “I do too. Think about you when I’m in the shower sometimes. That time we …”

“Yeah,” Jensen breathes. “God, you’re so … can’t even tell you how much you affect me. How addicted to you I am.”

“Jensen,” Jared moans, and Jensen whispers, “Yeah. C’mon, baby. Wanna hear it.”

The waves of pleasure wash over Jared and he comes, and the soft grunting in his ear says Jensen did too, and it’s hotter than Jared thought it would be and it leaves him dizzy and happy and relaxed and half-melted into his mattress with the biggest, most ridiculous smile on his face.

“Shit.” Jensen laughs shakily. “You better get here as soon as you can tomorrow. M’not gonna be able to think about anything else ‘till you are.”

Jared smiles even more. “It’s a date.”

____

  
Jensen’s stirring a pot full of spaghetti sauce when his cell vibrates in his pocket. He pulls it out and finds a text from Jared – _I’m here._

He sends back _It’s open. Get ur ass up here._ and then goes back to stirring. A couple seconds later Jared bursts through the door and Jensen calls out that he’s in the kitchen. Jared walks in holding up a piece of paper with black and red handwriting over it.

“I’m awesome,” he pronounces.

“No arguments here. What’s that?”

“ _That_ , oh gorgeous boyfriend of mine, is an A+. On my Chemistry midterm. I got _one_ answer wrong. Out of like two hundred questions.”

Jensen’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open. “What? That’s amazing!”

“Like I said, I’m awesome,” Jared says, smiling from ear to ear.

Jensen drops the spoon into the sauce and pulls Jared into a hug. “You are the awesome-ist.”

“Highest mark in the class. So actually, yes I am.”

Jensen shakes his head and grins, and then he leans up and kisses Jared. “So I guess this means that friggin’ horrible week where I didn’t get to see you was worth it.”

“Not even a little bit,” Jared answers, kissing the tip of Jensen’s nose. “Next semester I’m telling them studying is against my religion.”

“Which is what?”

“Jensenism. Or whatever.”

Jensen snorts. “That sounds like a disease. Like a growth or something. I’m sorry, Mr. Padalecki, looks like you have a Jensenism.”

Jared puts on a fake scared expression. “Is it fatal?”

“Definitely. Fuck, you’re a nerd! Which I totally dig, by the way. Also, we are putting this on the fridge.” He grabs the papers from Jared’s hand and a magnet off the side of the refrigerator and puts the test up on the freezer door.

Jared laughs. “I don’t live here.”

“Well you can take it with you when you leave, if you want. But for tonight, it’s staying there.” He looks over at Jared and then he can’t help kissing him again. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Jared says with a soft smile. “What’re you makin’?”

“Pasta. Taste it.”

Jared does, and he moans and lets his eyes fall closed. “Oh my G _od_ that’s good. Did you actually make it? Like not from a can?”

Jensen nods over to a cutting board filled with the unusable parts from tomatoes and onions and red peppers. “I sure as hell did.”

“Alright, that’s it. You’re hot _and_ you can cook? You’re never getting rid of me. Ever.”

“That works out well, ‘cause I don’t want to.”

Jensen keeps stirring the sauce, waiting for the noodles to finish boiling, and adding little dashes of pepper and other spices. Jared just watches him for a moment, and then he crowds in behind Jensen’s back and slides his arms slowly around Jensen’s waist. He rests his chin on Jensen’s shoulder, and Jensen leans back against his chest while he cooks.

“Um … last night,” Jared begins softly, a little hesitantly. “Was really …”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. He reaches behind himself to cup his free hand around the back of Jared’s neck. “It was. And hey, I’ve never actually done that before. So you’re my first at something.”

“Really?” Jared turns his head in, nuzzling into the side of Jensen’s face. “I like that.”

“Me too. Well, and, you’re the first guy I …” Jensen almost says it. He _wants_ to say it, wants Jared to know how much he loves him, but he never has before and it feels like a much bigger deal in the moment than he thought it would.

“What?” Jared asks, but Jensen chickens out and shakes his head.

“Forgot what I was gonna say.” He laughs it off, playing it cool, and hopes Jared buys it. “C’mon, let’s eat.”

____

  
Jensen takes him out for dinner again on Saturday night, and while the first time they did this Jared was nervous and anxious and totally freaked out over the idea of running into someone he knows (even though they did, and it turned out fine), this time Jared just enjoys himself. He finds he _likes_ the way people look at them. Some people stare – or glare – as if they’re offended that two men are allowed to sit in a restaurant together holding hands and occasionally kissing and that no one’s doing anything about it. And Jared was initially hurt by that but then, he realizes that the reason no one’s doing anything about it is because they _can’t_. He may not legally be able to get married to Jensen or adopt a child with him if they ever wanted to but there’s still no law, even in Texas, that says they can’t go out for dinner together. Jared finds himself holding Jensen’s hand _more_ because the tiny rebellious part of him likes that it bothers people. He’s glad it ruins their evening. They deserve it.

And then there are other people – girls around their own age, mostly – who look at them like they’re a couple of puppies they’d like to take home with them. Jensen leans over and kisses Jared’s cheek at one point, and he clearly hears a girl from the next table over whisper, “They’re _so_ cute,” to her friend. It makes Jared smile, and it makes Jensen press his lips together trying _not_ to smile. Jared’s favorite, though, are the people who pay no attention to them at all. Like two guys on a date doesn’t even register as a blip on their radar. Jared likes the idea that, to some people, he and Jensen are just like everyone else.

Later, back in Jensen’s room, Jared lies on Jensen’s bed with his eyes half closed and a pleasant but not overly-full feeling lulling him to sleep while Jensen putters around him, getting undressed and tiding up random things in his room. Jared’s only half paying attention to him, and Jensen’s rearranged a stack of books on his desk three times before Jared notices he’s being weird.

“What’re you doin’?” he asks.

Jensen doesn’t look at him. “Organizing.”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because …” Jensen sighs. “Because I gotta tell you something. I organize when I’m …”

Something cold and slimy twists in Jared’s gut. He pushes up to rest on his elbows so he can look at the back of Jensen’s head. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“What?” Jensen turns around quickly. “No. God, nothing like that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Jared frowns a little, but he holds out one hand and he’s happy when Jensen takes it and lets himself be pulled down onto the bed. Jared sits up and crosses his legs under him, and he reaches out and trails his fingers along Jensen’s cheek.

“What’s goin’ on, Jen?”

“I … um.” Jensen pauses and swallows like he’s nervous. Jared doesn’t think he’s ever actually seen Jensen nervous before. “I’ve never told anyone this before. So I’m not sure if it’s too soon or if I’m doing it wrong or whatever. And I’ve tried to tell you a couple times but I keep wussing out and you need to know, so I just gotta … I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Jared blinks, whispers, “Oh,” and then falls silent because he doesn’t know what to say. He wasn’t ready for that. It shocks him, and leaves him hovering somewhere between ecstatic and terrified.

“It’s okay,” Jensen says quickly. “You don’t have to say it back, alright? I just wanted you to know.”

“I don’t … what does it feel like?” Jared asks, still frowning, but he isn’t upset. He’s just thinking, trying to wrap his head around what that means.

“What does what feel like?”

“Loving someone. I mean, I never have, you know? I don’t know what it’s like.”

“Oh.” Jensen thinks about it for a moment. “It … I really like being around you. I know that sounds kinda stupid, but … just seeing you makes me smile. And when you leave, it’s like you take a chunk of me with you, like I’m not quite complete until you come back.”

Jared nods, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“When I was with other guys, I just … I’m not proud of it. But I wanted to just have sex with them and then as soon as it was over, I couldn’t wait to get them out the door. I didn’t like them being here, in my space. I felt like they were intruding on something that was supposed to be just mine. But you, I want you around all the time. I hate it when you _aren’t_ here. It makes me happy to just talk to you or laugh with you or even just lie here with you and not say anything. So I guess … that’s how I know.”

Jared nods again, and then he smiles a little, tilting his head just slightly downward so his eyes disappear behind his bangs. He’d be lying to both of them if he said he hasn’t felt all that too. The idea of saying it out loud is a little freaky, but Jensen deserves to know. “Well … then, uh, me too.”

“You – really?” Jensen asks cautiously, like he’s trying not to get his hopes up too high.

“Yeah. If that’s what being in love is, then I love you.”

Jensen just looks at him for a moment, like he’s searching for truth in Jared’s eyes, and then he just grabs Jared and kisses him. Jared lies back down and tugs Jensen with him, so Jensen lands stretched out on top of Jared’s body. He rubs his hands up and down Jensen’s back, digging his short nails in, and sucks Jensen’s tongue into his mouth. Jensen hums and kisses back eagerly and rocks his hips down into Jared’s, and Jared’s hard and dizzy in no time flat and it’s probably really dangerous for both of them that Jensen can work him up so quickly but Jared lost the ability to care about things like that months ago.

“There’s something I gotta tell you, too,” Jared says into Jensen’s lips.

“’Kay.” Jensen doesn’t stop kissing him, but Jared puts an inch of space between their lips so he can get the words out.

“When … um. When I told you that I’d never done this before, when we first met, I didn’t mean just with another guy.”

“What?”

Jared can’t really see him since they’re so close but he can hear the frown on Jensen’s face.

“I meant ever. With anyone.”

“Oh. You … so … I’ve been your first _everything_? Everything we’ve done has been …?”

Jared shrugs. “I kissed a couple girls in high school. But other than that, yeah. You’ve been all my firsts.”

For just a second, Jensen’s really quiet, like he’s thinking back over all their time together and thinking about what it means that Jared had never done anything even remotely sexual before they met. Then he leans forward again and brushes his lips lightly against Jared’s. “Can I be your last, too?”

It isn’t what Jared was expecting him to say, but the clenching in his chest melts away. “Yeah,” he murmurs, sliding a hand down Jensen’s side and slipping his fingers under the hem of Jensen’s shirt. “I’d really like that.”

_Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. – Lao Tzu_


	8. Chapter 8

_If someone were to harm somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for five hundred years, but I would eat them. – Johnny Depp_

Jared loves the way Jensen kisses him. It’s been over three months and he still hasn’t gotten tired of it. It isn’t just lips and tongues and saliva with Jensen. He pours his whole self into it, like he’s trying to brand Jared; to climb right into Jared’s soul so they stop being two separate people. And Jared would be very okay with that. He already feels like he isn’t himself anymore without Jensen, might as well make it permanent. Christian has taken to calling both of them, together and separately, simply “J”. Like they’ve actually morphed into one. Jensen seems to find that annoying, but Jared thinks it’s both sweet and sort of accurate. It should probably freak him out. If there’s anything he should have learned in his life, it’s that even people who say they love you can’t always be trusted. Someone loving you doesn’t always mean they won’t hurt you. But the day he met Jensen, Jared started relearning that lesson. Jensen may hurt him one day by forgetting they had a date or taking a bad mood out on him or saying something careless during an argument, but he would _never_ hurt Jared the way other people have. Jared knows that for sure now.

“Remember what we talked about? That night on the phone?” Jensen asks, sliding his palm down Jared’s bare chest, his fingertips brushing over a nipple.

“Which part?” Jared nips at his bottom lip and rocks his hips forward just slightly, his erection rubbing against Jensen’s thigh through his boxers.

“The part where I wanted to blow you.”

Jared’s stomach clenches and releases and feels like it drops about a foot into his gut all at the same time. “Kinda hard to forget.”

“Can I?”

“You’re asking?”

Jensen shrugs. “You wanted to go slow. I’m … being respectful.”

“You’ve been incredible,” Jared whispers, kissing him again. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve everything,” Jensen counters, his voice soft and reverent, and when Jared leans back just a little and looks into Jensen’s darkened green eyes, he can tell Jensen means that.

He doesn’t say anything else. He just kisses Jensen, deep and slow and so good he feels it all the way to his toes, and rolls over onto his back, pulling Jensen with him. For another few minutes, Jensen licks around the cavern of Jared’s mouth and rocks gently down into him, until Jared thinks he’s changed his mind and they’re just going to do this. He’d be completely okay with that, because anything he does with Jensen is awesome, but then Jensen dips down to kiss his neck and slowly starts moving down Jared’s body. He takes his time, slowly kissing and licking along the tendons in Jared’s neck, the dip at the base of it, and down one half of his collarbone and up the other. Jared keeps his hands on the backs of Jensen’s shoulders as he does, rubbing them occasionally but mostly just soaking up the attention. Jensen drags his tongue in little zig-zags between Jared’s pecs and pinches one of his nipples between two fingers, and while Jared thinks it’s mostly girls that are supposed to like that, he definitely doesn’t hate it.

When Jensen gets to Jared’s stomach, he laves along it with the flat of his tongue and then dips it into Jared’s bellybutton and licks around that too. Jared’s breathing quickens as Jensen gets closer to the erection that’s lying against his abdomen but still covered in his boxer-briefs. There’s a tiny little part of him that’s apprehensive, but mostly he’s just so turned on he can’t see straight. Jensen licks and sucks at Jared’s hips, dragging his teeth over the cut of muscle, and while he does he reaches down and cups Jared’s balls in his hand through the cotton of his underwear.

Jared sighs, and he can hear the smile on Jensen’s face when he says, “Just wait. This is nothing.”

Turns out, he’s really, really right about that. Jensen mouths at Jared’s cock through his boxers, getting the material all warm and spit-soaked, and it’s the best thing Jared’s ever felt. Ever. Until Jensen slides the material down and off, tossing the garment behind himself onto the floor, and licks one slow, wet, hot strip up the underside of Jared’s cock. Then _that’s_ the best thing Jared’s ever felt.

“Fuck,” he breathes, his hips canting upwards a little, chasing after more of that feeling.

“Taste fuckin’ good, Jare,” Jensen mumbles, doing it again and then nuzzling into the crease where Jared’s thigh meets his hip and inhaling deeply like it’s the best thing he’s ever smelled.

“You wouldn’t think dick would taste very good,” Jared jokes shakily, mostly to distract himself from how easily he could come just from what Jensen’s already done.

Jensen chuckles. “Well, it’s not like I’d bake a cake out of it or something. But as far as dicks go, I like yours.”

Jared laughs back. “Good news, I guess.”

And then Jared forgets how to talk, because Jensen picks his cock up and sucks the head of it into his mouth, and words suddenly seem irrelevant. He swirls his tongue around the crown a few times, stroking slowly along the shaft with his hand, and then he lets it slide further into his mouth and starts bobbing up and down on it like Jared’s seen girls do in porn but _fuck_ he never imagined it would feel like this. Jensen’s mouth is hot and wet and he looks so damn sexy with those plump lips wrapped around Jared’s hard flesh. He moans softly, eyes fluttering closed, and Jared feels that moan vibrate through his cock and all the way through his body like an electric shock. Jared could die right now and he wouldn’t even care, and if Jensen doesn’t stop, he might.

“Jensen.” Jared doesn’t know where’s he’s going with that, just that he has to say _something_. He brushes his fingers though Jensen’s short hair and down his cheek, rubbing his thumb over the corner of Jensen’s mouth when he can reach it. “So … you …”

Whatever it was that Jared was trying to say dies in his throat when Jensen cups his balls again in his other hand, rolling them and squeezing them and then moving lower, rubbing a finger along the skin behind them and then finding Jared’s hole and just pressing against it, just a little bit, but Jared groans and drops his head back against the pillows. It never felt that good when he did that to himself. Pleasure burns bright in his gut, dancing along his veins like wildfire, and he barely has time to shove Jensen’s shoulder to warn him before he’s coming harder than he ever has before. Jensen doesn’t back off, he just lets Jared come in his mouth and drinks it down with these gorgeous little humming noises, and Jared twitches and grunts and completely loses himself in the sensations. It’s transcendent, almost; like for just a moment, Jared doesn’t actually exist as anything other than what Jensen makes him feel.

Jensen crawls up his body and kisses him, and Jared’s still breathing hard but he grabs the sides of Jensen’s face and shoves his tongue into Jensen’s mouth, chasing after the slightly-bitter flavor he knows is his own release on Jensen’s tongue.

There are things Jared wants to say, but he doesn’t bother. Words wouldn’t do justice to the way he feels right now anyway, so he just rolls them over and mirrors everything Jensen did to him – licking down his chest and pinching nipples and tugging Jensen’s briefs off. Completely wrapped up in the moment, Jared just licks and sucks at him and forgets everything else. Jensen tastes pretty good too; kind of dark and bitter and musky but still good. Jared _likes_ the feeling of the hard flesh against his tongue, likes the noises Jensen makes, the way he pulls almost roughly at Jared’s hair and sends little pinpricks of pleasure down Jared’s spine. He’s in a little bubble with Jensen, an invisible force-field protecting them from the rest of the world, from everything that’s ever happened outside of the two of them and this moment.

And then, Jensen moans and says, “God, you’re fuckin’ good at this. _Can’t_ be the first time you’ve ever done it,” and everything just … shatters.

Jensen means it as a compliment. Somewhere deep inside, Jared knows he does. But it all comes back anyway. The peeling wallpaper. The way everything smelled moldy and musty like wet towels left to dry in a heap on the bathroom floor. The shades that were always drawn over the curtains, not letting any sunlight in. The irritating hum of the florescent bulbs that burned Jared’s eyes. The way he’d cry and plead with his dad not to leave him there again, never successfully. The guy’s sallow skin and unkind eyes, the way he smiled greedily and sent chills right down to Jared’s bones. The dirt under his fingernails. The noises he made while he touched himself, so foreign and scary because Jared didn’t understand what was going on. The disgusting taste of him on Jared’s tongue that never really went away, even years later. The hot, burning, horrible feeling deep in Jared’s stomach. Shame, confusion, _terror_. Jared lived with it for years, and just when it had finally started to go away, it’s back. Just as real and horrifying as if it were all still happening.

Jared feels himself moving without recalling whether his brain actually told his body to do so. He puts a hand over his mouth, clenching his jaw to keep the tears back, and stands up. Like he’s watching himself do it from somewhere far away, he unsteadily locates his clothes and quickly pulls them back on. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Jared is half aware of Jensen saying his name, over and over again in a panicked voice, but Jared can’t stop moving long enough to answer him.

Jared’s almost at the front door before Jensen finally gets physical with him, darting in front of him and shoving him back and blocking his way out. Jared’s trapped, and his heart beats so fast against his ribs that it hurts.

“What’s happening?” Jensen demands. “Jared, what? Talk to me!”

Jared just shakes his head. He looks everywhere but at Jensen. He can’t look at him. “I have to go. Please,” he begs. The tears spring from his eyes no matter how hard he tries to stop it, spilling down his cheeks, hot and humiliated. “Please let me go.”

Jensen doesn’t want to. Jared can tell. But he stands back anyway and lets Jared leave. Jared makes it to the bottom of the stairs before he breaks down. He collapses against the wall and sinks down to the floor, dissolving into tears and letting himself sob for a couple minutes before he finally manages to pick himself up and start heading home.

____

  
Jared’s phone goes straight to voicemail for the tenth time. Jensen can’t say he wasn’t expecting it, but every time Jared doesn’t pick up it cuts his heart up into smaller and smaller pieces until he’s not sure it will ever be able to be glued back together again.

“Hey Jare,” Jensen starts gently after Jared’s recorded voice tells him to leave a message. He hasn’t been leaving messages so far, because he’s been hoping his name on the caller ID will be enough to get Jared to call him back. So far, it hasn’t worked, so Jensen resigns himself to resorting to begging. “I … look, I don’t really know what happened last night, but whatever I did, I’m sorry, okay? Please just … call me back? We need to talk about this. Whatever I did wrong, I can fix it. I swear I can. I meant what I said the other night, I really am falling in love with you and I don’t want us to be over. Please call me, Jared I – ”

A loud beep lets Jensen know he’s run out of recording space.

“Dammit,” he mutters, fighting the urge to chuck his phone across the room to relieve some of the frustration.

He’s never been more freaked out in his life; it’s burning a hole through his stomach to think he might have unintentionally done something to hurt Jared. _His_ Jared, with those big, soulful eyes and that smile that lights up his whole face when Jensen makes him laugh. Jensen feels empty and hollow inside at the thought of having to live the rest of his life without Jared’s furnace-like body next to him when he wakes up in the mornings. In the last five or six years, Jensen’s had sex with more people than he’s proud of; every kind of sex in every position he’s ever heard of (and a few he hadn’t), and still none of those times were ever as good as the few relatively tame things he’s done with Jared. Having Jared roll his denim-clad hips against Jensen’s was a hundred times better than being buried inside some of the sexiest guys he’s ever seen. Having Jared’s big, warm hands on him, touching him everywhere, had Jensen coming harder than he ever had in his life.

And last night, at least before everything fell apart … last night Jensen had been more turned on than he thought was even possible. Seeing the beautiful flush on Jared’s cheeks, how dark his eyes got, those perfect, breathless noises he made when Jensen sucked him. And Jared’s mouth wrapped around him, hot and wet and so Goddamn _right_. And he _can’t_ go the rest of his life without ever feeling that again, he just … can’t. And he can’t just sit here, not knowing where Jared is or if he’s okay or if he even made it home, so Jensen finally caves and dials the number for Jim’s house. He didn’t want to, he’d wanted to keep this between him and Jared, but suddenly Jensen can’t help it anymore.

“Hey Jim, it’s Jensen.”

“What the hell did you do?” Jim booms (and Jensen can’t honestly say he wasn’t expecting that).

“I don’t know!” he cries exasperatedly, all the hurt and confusion and frustration bubbling to the surface once more. “Everything was fine one second and he was freaking out and leaving the next! I swear, Jim, I have no idea what happened.”

“Well, all I know is Jared came home in tears last night and now he’s refusing to come out of his room!” Jim growls. “So you’d better think hard, boy, because you sure as hell did something and _God help you_ when I find out what! If you hurt him or tried to force him – ”

“No!” Jensen cuts in desperately. “I didn’t, I wouldn’t! I would never do that. When we first met, he said he wanted to take things slow and I’ve been respecting that. You have my word.”

“Then tell me what happened last night!”

“I don’t know what happened!” Jensen pleads. “Look, we were just …”

“Just what?”

_Fuck_ , it’s embarrassing to be telling Jim about this, since Jensen doesn’t really know the man all that well _and_ he’s basically Jared’s parent, but Jensen ignores the furious blush creeping up his neck and forces himself to continue. If it means figuring out what happened with Jared, Jensen can push past the awkwardness.

“We … we were, fooling around a bit, but it was completely consensual, I swear.” Jensen’s whole face is burning now. “And everything was going fine and then out of nowhere he just started freaking out and then he just left. He wouldn’t talk to me and he won’t answer my phone calls and I’m going out of my mind because I have no clue what the hell I did!”

There’s a whuff of static over the line as Jim heaves a huge sigh.

“Look, Jensen …” he begins gently.

“I wouldn’t _ever_ hurt him on purpose, Jim, that’s the truth,” Jensen promises, and God help him, he means it.

“I believe you,” the older man says gruffly. “Listen, Jared … he hasn’t exactly had an easy life. There’s a very good chance that this mess isn’t your fault.”

Jensen’s head is spinning. “I don’t know what that means.”

“I can’t say any more than that, son. It ain’t my place. Jared’s gonna have to tell you himself, and you’re just gonna have to be patient.”

“I … yeah, okay,” Jensen agrees reluctantly. He wants nothing more than to just drive over to Jim’s and kick in Jared’s door and _force_ the stupid kid to tell him what’s wrong, but clearly that would be the exact wrong thing to do.

“I’m gonna do my best to convince him to talk to you,” Jim continues, sighing again. “But I won’t make him do it if he doesn’t want to.”

Jensen squeezes his eyes shut and nods, muttering another listless, “Okay,” when he realizes Jim can’t hear a nod.

“I’ve known Jared his whole life and I ain’t ever seen him happier than he’s been these last few months with you, Jensen. You just gotta give him some time, and I’m sure he’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right,” Jensen says in a would-be-casual voice, hoping Jim can’t hear it shaking.

____

  
The next three days are some of the longest and hardest of Jensen’s life, even worse than the first few days after his parents kicked him out all those years ago. He shuffles blindly through the motions of working and eating and sleeping and trying his hardest to stay away from anything that reminds him of Jared. Which is a completely impossible task, he realizes halfway through the second day, because _everything_ reminds him of Jared. The shop, where he has to spend eight torturous hours, is where he first met Jared. Where he saw those bright blue-green eyes for the first time; those irresistible dimples when Jared smiles that thousand-watt smile. The coffee shop on the corner he can see from his bedroom window, where he and Jared had what Jensen considers their first official date. The balcony where he kissed Jared for the first time. The shower stall, where he saw Jared naked for the first time. Jared had been so adorably shy, blushing and unsure; worried Jensen would be disappointed with him. Jensen was the exact opposite of disappointed. Jared was absolutely gorgeous. The most beautiful man Jensen had even seen.

And now every time Jensen takes a shower, he’s forced to relive that incredible memory. The feeling of Jared’s warm, slippery skin next to him. How sparkly Jared’s eyes had gone when Jensen touched him. The same is true every time Jensen lies down in his bed, now so cold and empty without Jared pressed up beside him. Jensen had never liked snuggling before – he’d always just done it because some people expected it, but mostly he’d spend the night feeling suffocated and wanting to get those sticky, unfamiliar bodies away from him. But with Jared, Jensen wanted to hold on tight and never let go.

As he finishes up with his last car at the end of the third day, he’s not only missing Jared like he’d miss a limb but is also thoroughly embarrassed and disgusted with himself. A tall man with broad shoulders and shaggy brown hair brought a Camero in that afternoon, and even though Jensen only saw him from the back, he was reminded so much of Jared that he almost started crying in a crowded garage full of customers and his two very manly coworkers. And _God_ , he feels physically nauseous at the prospect of spending another evening alone in a dozen places that should include Jared. The kitchen table where Jared should be across from him, the couch where Jared should be beside him, the bed where Jared should be wrapped around him. Jensen would rather curl up in a ball right here on the concrete floor and die.

He doesn’t manage to hide from Christian that something’s wrong. As they walk up the stairs together, Christian asks where “J” has been the last few days and Jensen almost starts crying for the second time today. He can’t bring himself to answer, either. He just shrugs and disappears off into his room and maybe thirty minutes later, he hears Chris leaving the apartment. It’s unusual for both of them. Normally Chris would pester Jensen until he agreed to talk about what’s bothering him, and normally Jensen wouldn’t even need much pestering before he’d be spilling his guts out to his best friend. That’s just how they’ve always been, since Jensen moved in here seven years ago. They’ve never kept anything important from each other. But Jensen can’t talk about this. It hurts too much.

He makes himself a grilled-cheese sandwich for dinner and eats it without actually tasting it. He drinks a glass of water that leaves him still feeling thirsty, but he doesn’t get another one. And he does a sink full of dishes that he’s left piling up since Jared left, slowly and methodically like he’s a robot. Maybe if he just detaches himself from everything, Jensen will eventually lose the ability to feel emotions. It would be a boring way to live, but at least he wouldn’t hurt anymore.

And then, Jensen’s cell phone rings, loud and shrill and piercing through the thick silence. He tries his best not to get his hopes up; it’s probably just Steve calling to see if Jensen can cover his shift tomorrow or something. But it’s not. When Jensen picks the buzzing silver device up off the counter, the call display says Jared. _Jared_. Suddenly it’s the most beautiful word Jensen’s ever seen.

“Jare,” he breathes into the mouthpiece, trying not to sound as desperate as he really is.

“Hey Jensen,” Jared’s voice answers quietly.

“I – are you – God, it’s so good to hear your voice,” Jensen says, all thoughts of trying to save his own dignity flying out the window. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. No. I …” Jared exhales heavily. “No, I’m not. I’m sorry about how I left. And I’m sorry I took so long to call.”

“I’m not mad, Jared, just really worried about you. Can – what – I didn’t – ” _Shit_ , what the hell is he even saying? “What … happened? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything,” Jared says quickly. “It isn’t your fault, Jen.”

Jensen breathes a tiny sigh of relief, but it only makes him feel better for half a second before he remembers that everything is still all wrong.

“Can I come over?” Jared asks in a voice so small Jensen almost doesn’t hear it.

“Yeah, of course! Want me to come get you?”

“No, that’s okay. I’ll be there in a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen says gratefully. “Hey, Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“Yeah, I – I know.”

It’s probably twenty minutes before the doorbell rings. Jensen spends it just standing in the kitchen, rooted to the spot he’d been standing when he hung up the phone, and staring off into space. He isn’t thinking about anything in particular, he’s just completely overwhelmed and worried and he doesn’t know what to expect. Whatever it was that made Jared lose it like that, it can’t be good. Jensen _knew_ something bad had happened to him. When they first met, Jensen could see it in his eyes. But he didn’t want it to be true, so he ignored it. He pretended he was imagining things every time he thought he saw shadows pass over Jared’s face. And he shouldn’t have. Jensen’s never going to forgive himself if this is something they can’t get past because he was too wrapped up in his own emotions to consider Jared’s.

When the bell sounds, Jensen starts out of his trance and quickly jogs down the flight of stairs. He can barely contain himself when he finds Jared standing here, in rumpled sweats and a hoodie even though it’s cold enough outside to need a jacket; his hair sticking up in some places and flat in others and his eyes puffy and underlined with dark purple shadows like he hasn’t been sleeping well. Jensen hasn’t either. For just a second, he doesn’t know what to do. But then it doesn’t matter. His body decides for him, reaching out and pulling Jared into a hug. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s back, pressing his mouth into Jared’s shoulder and closing his eyes and holding onto him much too tightly but he can’t let go. Only when Jared hugs him back does Jensen finally feel like he can breathe again.

“I was so scared you’d never come back,” Jensen whispers, not even a little bit able to stop the way his voice shakes.

“I’m so sorry,” Jared whispers back.

“What did I do?” Jensen asks again, but Jared shakes his head firmly.

“Nothing. I swear, it wasn’t you. Can we … go upstairs? There’s some things I need to tell you.”

Jensen nods. He pulls back and intends to lead Jared up to the second floor, but he stops and kisses Jared first, because he can’t not. Jared kisses him back, too, and for just a moment Jensen feels like everything’s going to be okay. But then he catches one more glimpse of Jared’s face before they climb the stairs, and then he knows it won’t be.

“Is Chris here?” Jared asks when they get up to the living room, and Jensen shakes his head.

“I don’t know where he is. He knew something was wrong, ‘cause you hadn’t been here and ‘cause I … fuck, I was a mess without you. But I wouldn’t talk to him about it so he took off.”

“Is he mad at you?” Jared asks, face falling like it’s the worst thing he can imagine.

“No,” Jensen assures. “I think he could just tell I needed some space.”

“Oh.” Jared licks his lips, and then he murmurs, “I missed you.”

“Me too. So fuckin’ much, man.”

Jared doesn’t say anything else; looks like he’s having a bit of trouble even staying upright, so Jensen takes his hand and leads him over to the couch. He doesn’t ask again about what happened. He just waits, and eventually, in a quiet and pained voice, Jared says, “When I was growing up … it was just me and my dad.”

“Okay,” Jensen says carefully. “Go on.”

Jared nods and inhales shakily. “I … just give me a minute, okay?”

“Kay.”

Jensen thinks for a minute, not wanting to move too quickly and freak Jared out again, but he can’t stand being so far away from him any more, especially when he looks so sad. Jensen slides a bit closer and puts a tentative arm around Jared’s shoulders. Jared tenses for just a second and Jensen’s worried he made a mistake, but then leans in and rests his head against Jensen’s shoulder. He melts into Jensen’s chest, his body knowing automatically exactly how it fits there.

“When I was seven, my mom and my sister and brother died in a car accident. We were hit head-on by a drunk driver. I was the only one who lived, my dad said they were all gone before the ambulance even got there.”

“That’s horrible,” Jensen says softly.

“Yeah. My mom was the hardest. I don’t really remember that much about her, y’know? It’s just like … I remember that I loved her, and I remember missing her after she was gone, but I don’t really remember _her_.”

Jensen nods. The closest to a loved one he’s ever lost was his grandfather, but Jensen was only three when he died so he really doesn’t know how it feels to lose somebody like that. In another way, though, Jensen sort of lost both his parents when he came out. They aren’t dead, but they’re not his family anymore. So in a sense, Jensen does get it.

“My dad really lost it. He … well, I was little. I didn’t know what was going on at the time. But he was drinking, I guess, and he used to hit me sometimes, whenever I got in his way. ‘Cause it was my fault. ‘Cause they had just picked me up from school when it happened.”

“No. No, Jared, it is _not_ your fault,” Jensen says firmly, but then he doesn’t know what else to say. He feels like anything he says right now would be the wrong thing, so he just pulls Jared in a little closer and kisses the top of his head. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“And then … he …” Jared trails off, with a funny noise that sounds like words dying on their way out of his mouth, and Jensen’s gut twists. He doesn’t know where Jared’s going with this, but he knows he isn’t going to like it.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he says quietly.

“Yeah, I do. It’s just … it’s really hard to talk about.” Jared swallows and takes a deep breath. “He started doing drugs when I was about twelve. I don’t know what kind, I didn’t even know that’s what was happening until years later. I don’t want to know, either. It doesn’t matter. But, um. I guess they were expensive, whatever they were, and he hadn’t really been able to hold down a job since … Eventually he started taking me to this … this guy. He’d leave me there for an hour or so, and then when he came back the guy gave him money.”

Jensen’s heart is thudding so hard behind his ribcage he’s sure Jared can feel it. The way Jared’s voice shakes with unbelievable sadness makes Jensen’s overactive imagination create all kinds of horrible things that he thinks might have happened. None of them are good, and all of them make him feel like throwing up.

For a few minutes, Jared doesn’t continue, so Jensen kisses his hair again and says, “He did things to you, didn’t he.” It makes him ill to think about, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.

“He never touched me. He just … the first few times, he’d just … he’d touch himself, and make me watch. And then after a while he started making me use my hands on him.”

Jensen’s blood runs cold. “Oh my God.”

“And then my … mouth.”

Jensen can feel tears soaking through his t-shirt, and he’s never, in his whole life, felt as horrible as he does right now.

“How many times?” He doesn’t really want to know, but he has to.

“Fifteen. Over the span of about a year.”

“And I … fuck. I said it couldn’t have been the first time you ever did that. Jesus, Jared, I’m so Goddamn sorry.”

Jared shakes his head. “It isn’t your fault. You didn’t know.”

Again, Jensen doesn’t know what to say. He wants to cry and scream and hold Jared and put his fist through a wall all at the same time. It’s confusing and painful and it makes him feel sick.

“I was always so scared,” Jared barely whispers. “I never wanted to. He said he’d kill me if I didn’t.”

The fact that _that’s_ the part Jared feels he needs to justify, as if Jensen would have been thinking Jared _had_ wanted to be molested by some scumbag if he hadn’t said that, is maybe what hits Jensen the hardest out of anything. There’s more than just sadness and pain in Jared’s words and voice; there’s _shame_ , like what happened to him was his own fault, and while Jensen’s heard that’s a common reaction in victims of abuse, he’s never been on this side of it before. He wants to hunt that guy down and kill him with his bare hands.

“Of course you didn’t. God, Jared, I’m … no one should ever have to go through that. I wish I could’ve been there to protect you.”

To Jensen’s surprise, Jared pulls away from him after a moment. He sits up, facing mostly away from Jensen, although Jensen can still see him wiping tears off his face with the back of his hand. When he speaks, his voice is flat and emotionless.

“If … um. If you want me to go, I understand.”

Jensen frowns. “Go? What’re you talking about?”

“I just … I know this is a lot. It’s too much. I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to know why I … and now I did, so. You’re such an amazing person, Jensen. You could have any guy in the world you wanted, you shouldn’t have to deal with this. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t broken. You’ve wasted too much time with me already.”

Jensen shakes his head even though Jared still isn’t looking at him. It breaks his heart clean in two that Jared thinks Jensen’s planning on leaving him after this. He reaches over, putting a hand on Jared’s arm, and then tugging gently when Jared doesn’t automatically turn. Jared’s eyes are red-rimmed and shiny, dry tear-tracks etched down his cheeks, and Jensen blinks back tears himself. He shifts closer, cupping Jared’s face in his hands, and kissing him gently.

“You,” he says firmly, into Jared’s lips.

“What?” Jared breathes.

“You said I could have anyone I wanted, right? Well that includes you, and _you_ are what I want. You … God. You’ve been through something terrible. The fact that you’re even able to be a _person_ after that, walking around and going to school and having friends and everything, that … you gotta know how strong that means you are. Fuck, if that happened to me, I’d probably be in a hospital somewhere strapped to a bed. That you went through it and came out the other side such an awesome person is just … I don’t even know what it is. It’s amazing.”

“I’m not okay,” Jared says shakily, resting his forehead against Jensen’s. “I pretend I am. I _wanted_ to be, because I wanted to be with you. But I’m not.”

“You don’t have to be,” Jensen assures. “ _No one_ would be, after something like that.”

Jared doesn’t say anything else, and Jensen feels like his throat is closing over the words he probably should be saying right now but can’t find. He doesn’t know how to not feel like someone’s cutting out his organs over this, and he doesn’t know how to make it better for Jared. He probably _can’t_ make it better, and that hurts more than maybe anything ever has before. Eventually, he does the only thing he can think of. He stands up, taking Jared’s hand and pulling Jared with him toward his bedroom. He shuts the door behind them in case Christian comes home, and then he walks over to Jared and gently pushes Jared’s hoodie up over his head and lets it fall to the floor.

“Are we …?” Jared asks slowly, a flicker of worry in his eyes, and it guts Jensen even more that Jared thinks his mind would be anywhere near doing _that_ after everything Jared just told him.

“We’re gonna sleep,” he says, leaning up and kissing the corner of Jared’s mouth. “You look exhausted, and I … I just wanna lie here with you, okay?”

Jared nods, even if he still looks unsure. Actually, what he looks like, is that he thinks maybe this is all a joke. That any minute, Jensen’s going to just start laughing and say Jared’s disgusting and that he deserved what happened to him, and that he never wants to see him again. It makes Jensen queasier than he already was.

After a minute, Jared nods again and reaches for the elastic waist on his pants, but then he pauses and says, “Should I …?”

“Up to you. Whatever you feel comfortable with. I don’t wanna …” He can’t even say whatever it is he doesn’t want to do – pressure Jared, scare him, wound him even more than he already is – so he trails off and doesn’t bother saying anything. He’s so scared of saying the wrong thing and ruining this forever.

Jared swallows like he’s nervous, but then he does slide the sweats over his hips and lets them fall to the floor. He’s so big; Jensen’s never asked, but based on his own height, Jared is at least 6`4, and he’s built like a brick shit-house or whatever that expression is, but standing there in a t-shirt and boxers he looks all of about eight years old and Jensen has this burrowing ache in his gut to protect him – to hold him and love him and keep him safe so nothing like what happened to him can ever happen again. He pushes his own pants off and climbs into his bed, smiling just a little bit when Jared climbs in after him and lets Jensen pull him in close. He cradles Jared against his chest – as much as he can, anyway, since Jared’s a lot bigger than him – letting Jared bury his face in Jensen’s shoulder. He slides one hand into Jared’s hair, petting through it slowly and promising himself, right then and there, that’s he’s _never_ going to let anything bad happen to Jared ever again.

“I’m sure it’s _really_ hard for you to trust people,” Jensen murmurs. “And I know it isn’t about me, but just … please, try to trust me, okay? I promise you are safe here. I will never make you do something you don’t wanna do, I’ll never take anything from you that you aren’t a hundred percent willing to give me, and I will never, _ever_ , hurt you.”

Jared nods, his forehead rubbing against the skin on Jensen’s neck. “Are you … um. Disappointed?”

“About what?”

“That I’m not what you thought I was.”

Jensen shakes his head. “No fuckin’ way. Don’t ever think that. The only thing I’m sad about is that you didn’t tell me sooner. I feel like … like maybe I pushed some things on you that you weren’t ready for.”

“I really wanted to be better for you,” Jared whispers, that shaky, ashamed edge to his voice again, and Jensen holds him closer and shushes him.

“You wanna know what I think you are? I think you’re beautiful. And perfect and amazing and everything I’ve ever wanted. It doesn’t matter what happened to you, I don’t wanna spend one second away from you ever again. I _love_ you, Jare. None of the bad things you think about yourself are true, and none of them could ever change how I feel about you. All you have to do is let me, and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”

____

  
Jared does fall asleep after about a half hour of Jensen whispering to him and stroking his hair, but Jensen lies awake all night. He drifts in and out of that _almost sleeping_ place a few times, but mostly he just lies there with his mind racing and his heart pounding and a sleeping Jared safely nestled in his arms. It’s at least something, Jensen thinks, that Jared trusts him that much. It’s not everything, but it’s a start. And since Jensen wouldn’t have had a clue where to start if he had to make the decision himself, he figures this is as good a place as any.

When the sun rises and Jensen has to get up for work, he’s never wished he could stay in bed all day as much as he does in that moment. And not just because he feels half-dead from not getting any sleep. Mostly, he just wants to stay here with Jared, warm and comfortable and temporarily cut off from the rest of the world, but he knows he can’t. He gets up as carefully as he can, and he manages to remove himself from Jared’s arms without waking him. Jared snuffles a little in his sleep, but then he just rolls over and buries his face into the pillow. Jensen showers and dresses and brushes his teeth, and then when he walks back through his bedroom, he can’t resist reaching down to smooth the hair off Jared’s forehead. He looks so peaceful, and Jensen hopes he’s having nice dreams to take him temporarily away from the Hell that must constantly be going on inside his head. Jensen understands why he didn’t, but _God_ he wishes Jared had told him everything sooner. He feels like the world’s biggest jerk when he wonders if he’d ever pushed Jared into doing anything he wasn’t ready for.

Jared stirs and opens his eyes, blinking blearily up at Jensen, and Jensen smiles down at him.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jared answers.

“Sleep okay?”

Jared takes a deep, sleepy breath, and nods. “Yeah.”

“I gotta go to work, alright?” Jensen tells him regretfully.

“Oh. Okay, I’ll get goin’.” Jared stretches a little and then goes to sit up, but Jensen stops him.

“No, you – I mean, it’s up to you. But if you want, you can stay. No one else’ll be here, and I’ll be right downstairs. I can come visit you on my breaks. Make you lunch.”

Jared frowns a little. “You sure? I don’t wanna …”

“I’m sure.”

Jared still looks hesitant, but he nods. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Good. You can shower, if you want, there’s a towel on the rack. And I’m not sure how much food is in the fridge, but you can have whatever you can find. Chris and I don’t have separate shelves or anything.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jensen,” Jared says, and Jensen can tell he really means it.

He leans down and kisses Jared’s forehead. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

  
_Hearts live by being wounded. – Oscar Wilde_


	9. Chapter 9

_If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with. – Michael Jackson_

Jensen can’t concentrate. He’s supposed to be giving the engine of a vintage Model-T a tune-up but he keeps momentarily forgetting where he is and refastening the cylinder head bolts the wrong way or pouring wiper fluid where the transmission fluid goes. His mind is a million miles away. Or, more accurately, his mind is less than _one_ mile away – just upstairs in his bed where he should be with Jared. He wishes he didn’t have to be here instead. He’s worried about leaving Jared alone so soon after everything Jared told him last night. Worried Jared’s going to be sitting up there stewing in his own thoughts of inadequacy and insecurity and reliving painful memories that Jensen might be able to distract him from. Jensen spends almost the whole morning making mistakes with the engine and then having to go back and fix them, and then eventually he gives up altogether because sooner or later he’s going to do something that isn’t reversible and this car is way too valuable to be worked on by someone whose head isn’t in it.

He tosses the wrench down onto the work table in frustration and walks over to the office to clear his head. Chris watches him go, Jensen can feel his friend’s eyes on him, but thankfully Chris doesn’t follow him. Jensen sits down in a spare chair in the corner and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. There’s burning behind his eyes again, and Jensen isn’t going to cry because he’s twenty-five and he’s a dude and he’s in public and he doesn’t do that, but he’s about as close as he could get. It isn’t _fair_ , what happened to Jared. He was just a sweet little kid, and God or the universe or _whoever_ is supposed to keep things like that from happening to people who don’t deserve it.

The bell above the door rings, and Jensen clenches his jaw and looks up to tell Christian he really needs to be alone right now, but it isn’t him. It’s Jared’s uncle. Jensen doesn’t know why Jim would be here and for a moment, he thinks maybe he’s seeing things. But then Jim sighs and bluntly says, “Well, you look like Hell,” and Jensen falls abruptly back down into reality.

“What’re you doing here?” he asks, his voice croaky and weak.

“I’m here because Jared didn’t come home last night. Normally I wouldn’t care, but he hadn’t left the house in days. Not after what happened between you two. And I called Chad and he isn’t at school, so I was hoping he was with you.”

“Yeah.” Jensen licks his lips and leans back in the chair, moving his gaze up to the ceiling. “He’s upstairs. In my, uh … place.”

“In your room, is what you meant there,” Jim says. He doesn’t sound happy about it, but he doesn’t sound particularly _un_ happy either.

“Actually I was gonna say bed. Figured maybe you wouldn’t wanna hear that, though.”

Jim does wince uncomfortably, but then he shrugs. “I’m gonna have to get used to it at some point. You’re both adults, you’re allowed to … So, I’m guessin’ he told you?”

“Yep.” Jensen doesn’t like how angry and bitter his voice sounds, because he knows it isn’t Jim’s fault. But he wants to blame _someone_ , and Jim is the only person here. “All the gory details. And I’ve been wantin’ to punch somethin’ ever since.”

“Don’t get mad at me for sayin’ this, okay? Jared’s my responsibility, so I have to.”

“Saying what?”

Jim eyes him carefully, his eyes slightly squinted, like he’s trying to look through Jensen. “I don’t know you all that well. You seem like a good guy, but I don’t know for sure. And I’m Jared’s only family, so it’s my job to tell you that if you’re not plannin’ on stickin’ around, it’d be kinder to break his heart sooner than later. If you’re gonna take off, do it now instead of stayin’ with him for the next week or two because you feel guilty.”

Jensen blinks. “Take off? _Take off_? Where the hell would I go? And _why_ the hell would you think I’d do that to him? I love him!”

“Alright, easy,” Jim says, raising his hands placatingly. “I wasn’t sayin’ you’re gonna, I was just sayin’ _if_ you’re gonna – ”

“Well don’t, ‘cause I’m not!”

Jim doesn’t answer. He just stares at Jensen, opening and closing his mouth a few times, and then sighing and turning away.

“How the _fuck_ could you let that happen to him?” Jensen yells, finally completely losing whatever tiny amount of control over his temper he still had and jumping up out of the chair. “Jared was just a kid! He was a helpless, innocent child! You should have protected him!”

“Don’t you think I tried?” Jim yells back. “I didn’t _know_ , Jensen! Believe me, if I had, I would’a taken him outta there a hell of a lot sooner!”

“Wasn’t it your _job_ to know?!” Jensen demands.

“I’m his uncle, not his parent! His mother was my sister, I’m not even related to that asshole of a father of his. After she died, I barely ever saw Jared anymore! I _tried_ , Jensen, but his dad just shut them both off from the world. He stopped taking my phone calls and everything. And you’re right, I should have pushed, I should have _made_ him let me see Jared, but I just … I thought he was just grieving. He’d lost his wife and two of his kids. And Jared lost his mom, I didn’t think it was my place to get in the way of them trying to start over!”

“Yeah, well they weren’t starting over, were they?! He was _selling_ Jared to that fucking pervert! He was …” Jensen can’t even say it out loud. Instead, he growls in frustration and punches the aluminum cabinet where Chris keeps the invoices and tax receipts. It dents the door, and it hurts his hand and doesn’t make him feel any better.

“I know what he was doing,” Jim says heavily. “Do you think a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for it? That I don’t wish to _God_ I’d gotten there sooner?!”

Jensen runs his hands over his face and blinks back tears. He shakes his head, but he isn’t saying ‘no’. He just doesn’t know what to feel anymore.

“I will never stop being sorry about what happened to him. That man was hurtin’ him like no one should ever hurt _anyone_. But I did what I could. The second I found out what that no-good excuse for a father was doin’, I drove right to San Antonio and I punched the bastard so hard I knocked one of his teeth out, and then I brought Jared back here to Dallas with me and I never let his dad see him again. Not that the son-of-a-bitch _tried_ to see him, but I wouldn’t have let him if he had. I’ve done everything I can to make up for not protecting him from this. But I … I’m at the end of the line, Jensen.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’ve spent the last eight years doing everything _I_ can do for him. He needs you now. I can’t heal him the way you could.”

Jensen shakes his head again, helplessly this time. “I want to. I just don’t know how. God, all that’s been going through my head since he told me is finding out who the guy was so I can rip his skin off one strip at a time and feed it to him! I don’t know how to do this, Jim. I don’t know how to help him!”

“Just be there for him. He doesn’t need you to fix him, Jensen, he just needs _you_. Love him, show him that he’s _worth_ something.”

“What if it’s not enough?” Jensen mumbles. He walks around the desk and collapses into the chair exhaustedly. “What if I make it worse?”

“You won’t.” Jim sighs and sits down half on the edge of the desk. “It’s been a long time since all this happened, you know? I took him to talk to someone when it was still fresh, every week for almost a year. He’s dealt with the pain and the anger and the fear. Those things won’t ever go away completely, but they aren’t the problem anymore. He knows how to handle them. The only thing Jared really needs now is for someone to make him believe that he’s worthy of being loved. _That’s_ what you can do for him, Jensen. That’s the one thing _only_ you can do. Not me, not a therapist, not his friends. Just you. That’s what he needs from you.”

“What if I can’t?” Jensen’s voice sounds pathetic even in his own mind, but he’s honestly _scared_ at the prospect of not being able to be what Jared needs.

Jim pauses for a moment. “Do you really love him?”

“Yes,” Jensen answers weakly.

“Then you can.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because against all odds, the two of you found each other. He let you into his life, into his heart. I’m sure he was terrified every step of the way, but he still did it. That means something, don’t you think?”

The truth is, Jensen doesn’t know. He _hopes_ it does, but there’s too much fog in his brain right now for him to think clearly about any of this. Mostly, he just wants Jim to leave so he can push all this away and keep working. Maybe if he keeps himself distracted, the day will go quickly and then he’ll be able to go back upstairs to Jared. Jim seems to understand that the conversation is over. He pats Jensen on the arm and then he leaves, but Jensen’s only alone trapped in his hurricane of thoughts for about thirty seconds before Chris comes barging in.

“And just what the hell was that?” he asks loudly, his brow furrowed and his mouth tight in obvious anger as he slams the door behind him.

“It was nothing,” Jensen mutters, turning away and running a hand through his hair.

“Hey!” Christian snaps. In a rare show of aggression that Jensen’s never seen from him before, he grabs Jensen’s shoulder roughly and spins him back around. “I asked you a question! Who was that man?”

“I can’t tell you, alright?” Jensen snaps back. “But he isn’t a customer or anything, he’s just a guy. Leave it alone. Please.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”

Jensen sighs. “He’s Jared’s uncle. Okay? Can I get back to work now?”

“Why were you yelling at Jared’s uncle in our office?”

“I can’t tell you!” Jensen cries.

Christian considers him for a moment, and Jensen doesn’t think he’s ever seen him look so serious. It’s unnerving. “Jensen, as your friend, nobody has more respect for your privacy than I do, okay? But as your partner, when I see you fuckin’ cussing some guy out in our place of business and I come in here and ask you what the hell, you _tell_ me what the hell. I’m not kidding. Now.”

“I … fuck,” Jensen swears, walking away and rubbing his face again. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation, but Chris isn’t giving him much choice. “When Jared was a little kid, something bad happened to him. Something the grown-ups in his life should have been able to protect him from, and Jim didn’t. I was pissed off because he didn’t stop it from happening, I was … I was upset. Because something awful happened to someone I care about. I’m sorry, alright? It won’t happen again.”

For a while, Christian doesn’t say anything. Jensen turns back around, and Chris’s face has morphed from looking angry to looking confused, and maybe a little bit sad. “Is that what’s been goin’ on with you the last couple days? What happened?”

“I can’t tell you,” Jensen says honestly. “Jared’s never told anybody before, but he told me, last night, and I … he trusts me, and I can’t … I just can’t.”

Christian frowns and shakes his head, tilting it to the side incredulously. “What’re you doin’ here, Jen?”

Jensen’s confused. “What?”

“Something horrible happened to Jared and last night he finally told you about it and you’re _here_?”

“It’s a weekday, I had to work.”

“And you thought if you told me all that and asked me for the day off, I wouldn’t’ve given it to you? Hell, you don’t _have_ to ask me, I’m not even your boss anymore.”

“I … I don’t know. I guess I didn’t really think about it.”

“Okay.” Christian frowns again, but nods. “Okay, here’s what you’re gonna do. Head over to Sal’s, pick up a pizza, maybe a six-pack, and then go find him. Just hang out with him, rent a movie. Something funny, something that’ll make him laugh.”

“It’s the middle of the day and we’ve got a full line-up,” Jensen says flatly. “I can’t leave you and Steve, you’ll never finish.”

“I don’t care about that. So we might have to tell a few people their car won’t be ready until tomorrow. Not the end of the world.”

“Chris,” Jensen protests.

“You’re not outta here in the next five minutes, I’m firing you,” Christian says, smiling a little even though Jensen can tell he isn’t joking.

“You can’t fire me anymore,” Jensen points out, and Christian rolls his eyes.

“I’ll slug you, then. I mean it, Jensen. _Go_. Go be with your boyfriend.”

____

  
Jensen does what Chris told him to because he’s way too fried to come up with a better plan on his own. And really, the specifics probably don’t matter. Jensen just wants to be with Jared, and hopefully that’s what Jared wants too. He climbs the stairs carefully, managing to balance a large pizza and a case of beer in one hand so he can find his keys, and when he walks into the apartment Jared is sitting cross-legged on the couch. He’s back in his sweatpants and hoodie, and his hair looks damp. He’s just staring at the TV, turned to what looks like CNN, but Jared’s eyes are blank and glazed over a little and it doesn’t look like he’s actually paying attention to whatever the news reporter is saying. It takes him a second to notice that Jensen’s there, and then he glances over and frowns.

“Hey,” Jensen says with a small smile.

“What’re you doin’ home?” Jared asks. He doesn’t look unhappy to see him, just confused.

“I said I’d be home for lunch, didn’t I?”

Jared looks at the clock on the DVD player underneath the TV and points out, “It’s ten-thirty.”

Jensen shrugs. “Well. Got hungry.”

Jared raises an eyebrow and Jensen knows he isn’t being very convincing. He sets the pizza and the beer down in the kitchen, putting the beer into the fridge on a second thought because they’re not exactly going to drink it before it’s even noon, and then going back into the living room. He kneels down on the floor in front of Jared, and Jared lets his legs slide off the couch so they’re bracketing Jensen’s body. Jensen slides his palms up the tops of Jared’s thighs.

“I missed you,” he says honestly. “And my head wasn’t in it today after last night. I was messing up with the cars, so Chris sent me back up here.”

Jared frowns even more. “You didn’t tell him …?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, I didn’t. I wouldn’t, okay? I mean, he knows _something’s_ up with us, ‘cause you hadn’t been here in three days and ‘cause I was pretty obviously going crazy without you, but he doesn’t know anything specific.”

Jared still looks unsure, but his forehead smoothes out a little and he nods. He puts one hand on Jensen’s shoulder, moving it up to cup around the back of Jensen’s neck, and Jensen leans up and kisses him.

“M’sorry,” Jared says. “Didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“Not your fault. You doin’ okay?” Jensen asks softly.

“Yeah,” Jared answers, and then immediately changes it to, “No.”

Jensen gets one hand up into Jared’s hair, pulling him down so his forehead is resting against Jensen’s shoulder. He wraps one hand around Jared’s shoulders and the other around the middle of his back, rubbing up and down along his spine in a way he hopes is comforting. Jared sort of deflates against Jensen’s chest, heaving a sigh that makes his whole body shudder and Jensen kisses the side of his face and then hugs him tighter.

“What’ve you been doin’?”

“Just thinkin’.” Jared’s voice shakes a little, and so do his hands as they fumble with handfuls of the back of Jensen’s shirt. “Runnin’ everything over in my head. S’been a long time since I’ve thought about it this much. And … wishin’ I could be stronger about this.”

Jensen shakes his head. “You can’t think about it like that. Jare, being strong doesn’t mean being unaffected when bad things happen to you. It’s about how you handle it when shit _does_ happen. How you put yourself back together after someone tears you apart. If you ask me, you’ve done a pretty damn good job of that. Better than I would.”

Jared sighs. “When I was in high school … God, all I wanted was to just be like everyone else, interested in girls and goin’ on dates and talking with my friends about which girls would let you get to second base with them. But I was always so scared a girl would expect me to be able to have sex with her that I never got into any of it. I thought if I tried and then couldn’t do it, if I freaked out or whatever, somehow it would get out and then everyone would know there’s something wrong with me.”

“There is _nothing_ wrong with you,” Jensen says firmly.

“Feels like there is.”

Jensen leans back just enough to see Jared’s face, but Jared won’t look at him, so Jensen rests their foreheads together so he won’t have to. “I love you.”

“I know.”

“Does that scare you?”

Jared shrugs. “Not really. It’s a little … overwhelming, ‘cause I never thought it would happen. But it still feels right.”

“So … d’you think maybe it was never about the physical stuff with girls? Maybe it was that you just didn’t _want_ a girl? You kissed them and it didn’t feel that good and you thought that meant you were damaged, but really you just didn’t wanna consider wanting a guy?”

Jared exhales again, and doesn’t say anything for almost a full minute. But then, in a voice so soft Jensen has to strain to hear him, he says, “Yeah. Maybe. I never thought about it like that. But maybe.”

“Do you feel like it’s not okay to like guys because of what he did to you? Like it means you were asking for it or something?”

Jared nods and chokes out the word, “Sometimes,” and Jensen’s heart breaks all over again.

“You’re wrong. It’s completely understandable that you’d feel that way, but you’re wrong.” Jensen gets up off the floor and joins Jared on the couch, pulling him quickly back into his arms, and Jared goes willingly and rests his head on Jensen’s chest. For a while, they just sit there in silence, and Jensen keeps rubbing his hand up and down Jared’s back. The most important thing to Jensen right now is making sure Jared knows this is a place where he’s safe – that as long as he’s here, wrapped up in Jensen’s arms, nothing can hurt him.

“What do we do now?” Jared asks.

“I don’t know,” Jensen says softly. “That’s kinda up to you. I know it isn’t easy to talk about this stuff. And I’m really happy you told me about it even if it hurt to hear. But I … I’m not gonna be able to know for sure where your lines are. You can’t let me do anything that you’re not ready for. The last thing I’d ever want to do is make it worse.”

“You still wanna be with me? It would be way simpler for you to be with someone else.”

“Yes. God, of course I do. I told you that last night, right?”

Jared nods. “Okay. I … I really like being with you. I do. And I don’t wanna let him win, you know?”

“The guy that …?”

“Yeah. I love you, and if I let what he did take that away from me, then it’s like he’s still here.”

“I think that’s really brave.”

For the next few hours, they just eat pizza and watch stupid TV and lie on the couch wrapped up together – they just _exist_ , just the two of them and nothing else. Jensen tells Jared about the Model-T he kept messing up this morning, about how cool it is and that he’ll have to show it to Jared later. Jared talks about a camping trip one of his other uncles took him on once with cousins, about the raccoon that wandered into their campsite that Jared wanted to take home as a pet. Jensen talks about how much he’s enjoying co-owning the garage with Chris, how it makes him feel like a real adult, and Jared says again that he’s proud of him. Jensen’s not sure anyone has ever actually been proud of him before. His parents certainly never were. It’s a really nice feeling. The whole day is easy and simple and comfortable, and every now and then Jared kisses him softly and Jensen doesn’t remember anymore how he ever survived a single day without this. Jared may still be a little broken on the inside but Jensen has never loved anyone more. He loves every single broken piece that Jared is, and he wishes he could go back in time and erase everything bad that’s ever happened to him, but since he can’t Jensen’s almost excited at the idea of helping Jared put himself back together.

“I gotta go home,” Jared says eventually, reluctantly pulling himself out of Jensen’s arms and sitting up.

“Okay.” Jensen doesn’t want him to leave, ever, but he won’t stop him.

“Jim’ll be worried if I don’t,” Jared explains. “He knows that … that you know. About what happened. And I didn’t tell him where I was going last night. I don’t want him to freak.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. He doesn’t tell Jared about Jim coming by the shop earlier. He figures if Jim wants Jared to know about that, he’ll tell him.

Jared stands up, and then reaches down and picks up the hoodie he’d tossed on the floor an hour ago and pulls it on. For a moment, his fingers twist the hem of it and Jensen frowns, wondering what’s going on in Jared’s head to make him look like that. Then Jared says, “I can come back, right?” and Jensen just about loses it.

He’s up off the couch and across the room to Jared in seconds. He cups one hand around the back of Jared’s neck and pulls him down for a kiss that’s a little bit rougher than Jensen meant it to be. “You _have_ to come back,” he says hoarsely. “I am not losing you over this, do you hear me? Like you said, we’re not gonna let that asshole win. He can’t have you. You’re mine.”

Jared nods, and tears pool along the rims of his eyes again so Jensen tugs him into a hug, holding him tighter than is probably comfortable for Jared but he can’t bring himself to let go.

“I really like being yours,” Jared says shakily.

“I love you,” Jensen answers, kissing him one more time.

“Me too.”

____

  
Jensen knows Jim said Jared doesn’t need to be fixed. And he believes it, because Jared had managed to build a pretty good life for himself before Jensen was in the picture. But he can’t help it. It still makes him sick to think about what happened to Jared, how scared and destroyed he must have been, and he still won’t be able to be completely happy again until Jared’s better. He knows that isn’t the right way to look at it, because that disgusting excuse for a man took something away from Jared that he can’t ever get back. Even still, Jensen swears to himself that he’s going to do every damn thing he can to patch up the hole it left in Jared’s soul.

Step one, it seems, is as simple as Jared just saying out loud everything that happened. Jensen’s never bought into that whole _talking about it helps_ thing, because in his own life that isn’t true. Telling his parents he was gay certainly didn’t help anything. And telling Jared about the night they kicked him out was good because he wanted Jared to know, but it definitely didn’t make him feel any better about it. It still happened – telling someone about it doesn’t change that. But for Jared, at least, it seems to be true. Jensen can’t put his finger on it but Jared just seems _lighter_ somehow, like carrying that secret around was weighing him down. Maybe it’s also the knowledge that he doesn’t have to pretend to be okay all the time now. If he ever has a bad day, or a nightmare, or a flashback, he can just be real about it and know that Jensen will be there to hold him until he can smile again.

Step two is Jared going back to school. He missed a week of classes, and Jensen thinks it’s good for him to go back; to be distracted by the workload and to see that life carries on. And step three is reintroducing the sexual stuff back into their relationship. Jensen hasn’t been going any further than the occasional kiss because he wants Jared to come to him when he’s ready, and a week after what Jensen calls their ‘D-Day’ in his head, Jared comes back into Jensen’s bedroom after brushing his teeth and crawls on top of Jensen and kisses him. Jensen breathes him in, putting one hand on Jared’s back and the other in his hair, and sucking Jared’s tongue into his mouth. Jared lies down, rolling his hips so his cock pushes into Jensen’s through their boxers, and attacking Jensen’s mouth with warm, wet kisses that leave Jensen’s head spinning. Then Jared knee-walks backwards, down the bed, tugging Jensen’s underwear off and tossing them aside and picking up Jensen’s mostly-hard cock in his hand.

“You don’t have to,” Jensen says softly. He’s still a guy, he’s not going to say no to getting his dick sucked, but he doesn’t want Jared doing it out of some misplaced sense of obligation. He goes up on his elbows so he can see Jared’s face, and finds it set in determination.

“Yes I do,” Jared says seriously. “For me. I …”

When he can’t finish, Jensen sits up, pulling Jared in and kissing him again.

“This can be okay. I need to know this can be okay,” Jared says against Jensen’s mouth. “Replace the bad memories with good ones.”

Jensen nods, tells Jared again how brave his is, and then lies back down. At first, Jensen can’t let himself get into it too much because he’s on alert in case Jared loses it again. But when Jared seems to be okay, Jensen closes his eyes and concentrates on the sensations and lets himself float in the little zings of pleasure lighting like firecrackers along his veins. Jared’s still good at this – or maybe it’s something sappy like the fact that it’s _Jared_ makes it better – but either way it’s awesome. Jared pulls away just before Jensen comes, finishing him with his hand, but then he drags a finger through the mess on Jensen’s abdomen and brings it up to his mouth to taste it. Fresh waves of arousal course through Jensen’s sated body when Jared decides it tastes okay, and then leans down to drag his tongue along Jensen’s skin for more. He crawls back up and kisses Jensen while there’s still some on his tongue and Jensen moans and licks the taste of himself out of Jared’s mouth.

“I love you,” he tells him later, when they’re lying under the sheets in a tangle of tired limbs and sticky skin.

“You’d love anyone after head,” Jared jokes, and Jensen chuckles.

“Well, it didn’t hurt. But it’s you, mostly. I’m kinda nuts about you.”

Jared hums and kisses the corner of Jensen’s mouth. “Kinda nuts about you too.”

____

  
“Okay, explain feudalism to me again,” Chad says, staring down at the textbook in front of him with squinted eyes, like that’s going to make it easier to understand.

“Didn’t you learn this stuff in high school?” Jared asks.

“Probably. Fuck if I was paying attention. Dude, I sat next to Lindsay Wheeler in History. Her tits were ridiculous, man, she was the hottest fucking piece of – ”

“Yeah, okay,” Jared interrupts. “I get it.”

“Oh right, I forgot. You’re into dick now,” Chad says with an eye-roll.

Jared chooses to ignore him. “It’s the holding of land in exchange for labor. The lords own the land, but they give it to the vassal, which is kind of like a tenant. The vassal pays for it by providing some sort of service like farming or making tools or whatever. And the lords use their armies to protect all their vassals from the other lords’ armies, and they can call up their vassals to be _part_ of the army if they need to.”

“It’s fuckin’ confusing.”

“It really isn’t.” Jared pops the cap off his highlighter and runs the yellow marker over a few lines in his own textbook. Then he lifts his arms up and stretches, and in glancing out the window he notices a familiar blue car twenty yards away in the parking lot. Jensen’s standing next to it, typing into his phone. A moment later, the phone in Jared’s pocket vibrates. He smiles and pulls it out to read the text.

_I’m early. U almost done?_

They’re hanging out at Danneel’s tonight. Their indoor pool was under renovation until a couple of days ago and once it was ready, she invited them to come check it out. Apparently there are three waterslides. Jared can’t wrap his head around how that can be possible.

_I can see you_ , he texts back.

Jensen looks up, glances around himself for a minute, and then spots Jared through the window. He grins and waves and Jared waves back.

“What’re you lookin’ at?” Chad asks, leaning over a little and squinting out the window.

“That’s … um. Jensen,” Jared answers. He’s been wrestling with the idea of introducing them, but he hasn’t been able to work up the courage yet.

“Oh.” A strange look takes over Chad’s face that Jared can’t read. He doesn’t look angry or upset, but he doesn’t look particularly happy either.

Jared sighs. “You’re not really okay with this, are you?”

Chad sighs too, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his hands over his face. He drags them back through his hair, and then sniffs and rubs at his nose. “I wanna be, if that counts for anything,” he says eventually.

“Yeah.” Jared presses his lips together. “It does.”

“I just …” Chad shifts in his seat and winces like he’s uncomfortable, and Jared is just as uncomfortable but he still thinks they need to talk about this. For the sake of their friendship. “This is Texas, man. It’s not New York. Or San Fran. Being’s gay’s just … it isn’t _okay_ here. And I’m not saying that’s right, but it’s the way things are.”

“I know. Believe me. It’s not like this was easy for me either.”

“Growing up here, your whole life, it’s like … you know? We’re all told it isn’t cool. And it’s hard to just make that go away. But fuck, dude, you’re my bro and I should want you to be happy and it makes me feel like a really shitty friend that I’m weirded out about it.”

“You’re not,” Jared tells him. “You’re still here, aren’t you? Lots’a guys wouldn’t’ve been able to handle it at all.”

Chad shrugs, says, “I always wanna be your friend,” and then he groans and lets his head fall back. “I sound even gayer than you.”

Jared laughs quietly.

“Do you guys have actual … like … sex? Like …”

Jared knows what he means. He cringes but decides, since Chad’s being honest with him, he owes Chad that much in return. “Not yet. We will, though.”

“And would you be … on …” he trails off again, and makes a vague sweeping gesture with his hand that Jared also understands.

“I don’t know. Possibly. Would it be so bad if I was?”

Chad shudders a little and drops his arms down heavily onto the table. “Guess not. Long as he isn’t too big.”

Jared laughs again, awkwardly, and pats Chad on the shoulder. He closes his textbook and scoops up the rest of his things. “C’mon. Want you to meet him.”

Chad eyes him warily. “He’s not gonna try to kiss me or something, right?”

“Well, I’ve managed to resist all these years. So I like your chances,” Jared answers dryly.

Chad follows him out of the library and across the lawn to where Jensen’s standing, and Jensen smiles as they approach.

“Hey,” he says, and Jared returns it and greets him with a kiss.

“This is Chad.”

“Hi,” Chad says in a small voice.

“Hey, good to finally meet ya, man,” Jensen says, holding out a hand which Chad takes. “Heard good things.”

“When have I ever said good things about him?” Jared asks with a grin.

“Ass,” Chad mutters, and then he says to Jensen, “So, you’re a mechanic, right?”

“Sort of,” Jensen answers. “I own a shop with a buddy of mine, we mostly restore and maintain older cars.”

“That’s really … straight.”

Jared smacks his shoulder with the back of his hand. “Dude!”

“What?” Chad protests. “It is!”

Jensen just laughs. “Least I’m not a hair-dresser or something, right?”

Chad opens his mouth to say something else, but when Jared raises an eyebrow at him, he instead says, “I’m sorry! I’ve never met one before!”

Jared wants to be mad at him but mostly he’s just stuck between exasperated and amused. Chad is a moron, but maybe that’s why Jared likes him. Jensen laughs again, shaking his head like the whole thing is hilarious, and it makes Jared laugh too.

“So we should get goin’.” Jensen looks back at Chad. “You could come with us, if you want.”

“To where?” Chad asks, a worried frown wrinkling his forehead like he thinks they’re going to an S&M dungeon or something equally terrifying.

“All male orgy,” Jared deadpans, cracking a smile when Chad’s eyes widen comically and Jensen flicks Jared on the elbow.

“He’s kidding.”

“We’re – uh. You’re not gonna believe this, but we’re going to Danneel Harris’ house,” Jared tells him.

Chad’s eyes widen even more, and then he frowns again. “Shut up. No you aren’t.”

“Really.” Jared nods in Jensen’s direction. “His best friend is dating her. We’re going to swim in her pool. Which apparently has waterslides.”

Chad looks suspiciously back and forth between Jared and Jensen like he’s trying to decide if they’re lying. “You – seriously?”

“Seriously,” Jensen says. “She’s kinda nuts but she’s really nice. And her house is ridiculous.”

“Come with us,” Jared adds, and Chad still looks skeptical.

“You’re inviting me to come see Danneel Harris in a bikini?”

“If you get a boner we’re kicking you out. But yes.”

Chad squints at him a little, like he still isn’t sure whether or not he’s being set up. But then he nods slowly and says, “Okay. But if we end up at an all male orgy I’m callin’ the feds.”

Jared grins. “Deal.”

Chad’s a bit of a babbling idiot around Danneel at first, but Jared was too the first time he met her so he doesn’t fault his friend for it. After Chad gets over the fact that he’s standing in the same room as both Danneel Harris and his best friend’s boyfriend, it’s a really great afternoon. They just hang out, like regular people. Laughing and teasing each other and throwing Danni into the pool, and it’s simple and easy and ordinary in a really good way. Next time he’ll invite Genevieve too. She’ll hate Danneel, he knows she will, but it would still be a good time. Jared laughs more than he thinks he ever has before, so much that his cheeks hurt. He didn’t know that would make him feel as good as it does.

Jensen swims up to him and kisses the side of his face. “Havin’ fun?”

“Yes,” Jared answers, capturing his lips in a kiss that tastes like chlorine and then laughing when Danneel wolf-whistles at them from across the pool and Chris dunks her under the water.

Jared has never really believed in fate or destiny or anything like that, but he believes he was supposed to meet Jensen. Jensen gave him this; this _normal_ Jared’s been missing his whole life. He didn’t know he needed it. But he did.

_Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope. – Maya Angelou_


	10. Chapter 10

_When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. – William Shakespeare_

Jared is nervous. He wishes he wasn’t. But he isn’t nervous enough to want to back out. It’s been five months to the day since he met Jensen, and he’s never been happier in his whole life than he is when Jensen smiles at him. And he wants this.

He finds Jensen in the bathroom brushing his teeth, and he wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist and kisses his neck. “You almost done?”

“Yeth,” Jensen slurs through a mouthful of toothpaste. “You need somefing?”

“Yeah. You.”

Jensen waggles his eyebrows. “Sexthy.”

Jared chuckles. “You know, the whole toothpaste thing is not really doin’ it for me.”

Jensen shrugs. He spits his mouthful into the sink, rinses his mouth, and then wipes it with the hand towel. Then he spins around, wraps his arms around Jared’s neck, and kisses him. “But now I’m all minty fresh.”

“Let’s ruin that,” Jared says, nipping at Jensen’s bottom lip and then tugging him into his bedroom.

“Make my mouth taste like dick, you mean,” Jensen clarifies with a grin.

Jared smiles too. “Something like that.”

He slides his fingers under the hem of Jensen’s shirt, pushing it up his chest and pulling it over his head. Then he reaches behind his neck and pulls his off too. Jensen’s staring, eyes a little bleary, at Jared’s midsection when Jared looks back at him.

“Can’t get used to you,” Jensen says softly, trailing his fingers down Jared’s chest.

“You either.” Jared cups his hands around Jensen’s hips and kisses the corner of his mouth.

Jensen’s been working out more lately, and Jared doesn’t think they should be competing with each other like that – he doesn’t expect Jensen to like lifting weights as much as Jared does, doesn’t even really _want_ him to – but he’s not at all complaining about the result. Jensen’s arms were always nice but now they’re gorgeous. And he’s starting to get a six-pack and Jared is almost never _not_ thinking about licking it.

“I like these,” he says, sliding his hand over Jensen’s abs.

Jared pulls Jensen back in and kisses him deeply. Jensen hums against his mouth, digging his nails just slightly into Jared’s back, and blood rushes south and Jared’s warm with arousal, his nerves fluttering in his stomach. His heart is beating too fast to be comfortable. He still wants it, but he can’t bring himself to say it out loud. So instead he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the little tube of lube he bought at the drugstore earlier and pushes it into Jensen’s hand. Jensen probably has some somewhere, they’ve even used it a couple of times, but Jared didn’t know for sure and also, he somewhat anticipated that he’d have trouble getting the words out. For a second, Jensen doesn’t react. Then he pulls back and looks down and the tube in his hand with a frown on his face. He looks up at Jared, then back down to the tube, then up to Jared again.

“You … Jare. Really? We don’t have to.”

Jared smiles and shakes his head. “You gotta stop sayin’ that. I want this, Jensen. I’m not doin’ it because I feel like I have to. I wouldn’t do that. ‘Cause I know you wouldn’t want me to.”

“Are you sure? Everything we’ve done so far is enough. More than enough. It’s been so, so good. I don’t need more if you’re not there yet.”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” Jared kisses him softly, wrapping one arm around Jensen’s back and pulling him in close again. “I’m still … I mean, I used to think one day I’d just be over all this, you know? That I’d just get better and it’d be that simple. But now I think maybe being ready is more about trusting you enough to know you’ll stop if I need it.”

“I will,” Jensen promises in a whisper, trailing his fingers through the hair on the back of Jared’s head. “Of course I will.”

“I know.” Jared kisses him again, slow and deep, inhaling deeply and breathing Jensen into his lungs, into his soul. Jensen reaches for the fly of Jared’s jeans and undoes it, pushing them down Jared’s legs and then does the same to his own. Jared steps out of his jeans and nudges Jensen’s knee with his own, and walks them slowly over to the bed. Jensen sits and then lies down, and Jared goes down on top of him, blanketing Jensen’s body. He really, really likes the feeling of Jensen underneath him. “It’s our anniversary.”

Jensen looks up at him with a furrowed brow and a smile on his face. “What?”

“Five months ago today was the day we met.”

“You remember the date?”

“I remember everything.” Jared nuzzles into Jensen’s cheek and then kisses it. Then he kisses Jensen’s forehead, his nose, the corner of his mouth. “The way you looked, with dirt smeared on your cheek and your hair all messy. I thought you were gorgeous. It totally freaked me out. Your voice. How completely not smooth you were, going on about your name being on your shirt.”

Jensen chuckles. “I was a moron. I was pretty sure I had zero chance with you after that.”

“How you asked for my number,” Jared continues, ducking down to lave his tongue along Jensen’s jaw. “And how I was so scared you were gonna call me but I still really hoped you would.”

“I called you like four times, makin’ shit up about Jim’s car so I’d have an excuse to talk to you,” Jensen says. He puts a hand on Jared’s cheek and guides his face back to the center so he can kiss him. “You’re the only guy I was ever an idiot over.”

“Being with you makes me feel like I matter,” Jared tells him, and Jensen’s eyes go all glittery and soft and he kisses Jared again, slower this time.

“I love you,” Jensen whispers.

“Love you back.”

He kisses Jensen’s jaw again, moving his lips along the lightly stubbled skin so they tingle from the friction. Then he goes down Jensen’s neck, nipping at it just a little and then laving his tongue over the spots his teeth touched. He sucks a bruise into the hollow of Jensen’s neck while Jensen sighs happily and digs his nails lightly into Jared’s back.

“How do we do this?” Jared asks as he keeps licking at Jensen’s neck.

“You wanna just get into it?”

“Yeah. Otherwise we might get … distracted.”

Jensen chuckles, but then he looks up at Jared with worry lines on his face again. “You … why don’t you do me the first time? Work up to it?”

Jared frowns. “Does it hurt that much?”

“No. It doesn’t, and that’s not what I meant. Just … it’s a lot. Emotionally. Especially for you, after everything that …”

Jared shakes his head. “I’ve never done it before even with a girl, remember? I don’t know what I’m doing. You gotta show me.”

“I could talk you through it.”

“I want this,” Jared promises. He rolls off Jensen and lies on his side beside him so he can see him better. He slides the backs of his knuckles over Jensen’s cheek, smiling when Jensen turns just slightly into the touch. “I love that you’re worried about me. But it’s … I love you. And I trust you. I want this.”

Jensen nods. “Okay.”

He reaches over and picks the lube back up from where he’d dropped it on the mattress earlier, and then he pushes up onto one elbow and kisses Jared while he reaches down and starts stroking Jared’s cock. Jared sighs, little sparks of pleasure bursting where Jensen’s touching him. It still blows his mind a little how much better it is when someone else does this. After a while, Jensen pops the cap on the tube and pours some of the clear gel into his fingers. He spreads it around, slicking three of his fingers up, and then he moves down to between Jared’s legs. Jared can’t really look at him, because he’s nervous again even though he’s annoyed with himself for it, so he rests his hands on the pillow above his head and stares up at the ceiling and just waits. Jensen picks Jared’s cock back up and sucks the head of it into his mouth, and it’s warm and wet and _so_ good, and one of his fingers circles around Jared’s hole. This much, they’ve done before. Jensen sometimes slides a finger or two into Jared while he’s blowing him, and Jared always likes it.

Jensen’s fingers are warm and thick as they push fluidly into Jared’s body and back out again. He moves quickly from one to two because that much Jared’s used to, but then he spends a while spreading the two of them apart deep inside Jared, getting him stretched out. He keeps sucking Jared’s cock as he does and Jared lets his eyes fall closed and swims in the sensations. Jensen crooks his fingers and rubs them against Jared’s prostate and a silent moan gets caught in his throat. He likes that part too. Jensen says it’s possible to come from _just_ that, and Jared really wants to try that one day.

“Ready for another?” Jensen asks quietly, pulling momentarily off Jared’s cock, and Jared nods.

The third finger makes everything a lot tighter. It doesn’t hurt exactly, but it makes the stretch more pronounced. It’s sort of nice and uncomfortable at the same time, but Jensen keeps moving them slowly in and out of Jared’s body while he laves his tongue along the underside of Jared’s cock, and it pretty quickly starts to feel good. When he presses against Jared’s prostate again, Jared moans out loud this time.

“Jensen,” he sighs. Jensen doesn’t answer because Jared’s dick is still in his mouth, but he repeats the motion, rubbing against that spot in a way that almost tickles but feels amazing. It’s a while before Jared remembers they’re supposed to be going further than just this, and he takes a deep breath to calm himself down and pushes weakly at Jensen’s shoulder. “C’mon. Not gonna last if you don’t stop.”

Jensen pulls off his cock again and it misses the wet heat but Jared isn’t going to let himself change his mind about this. “Think you’re ready?”

Jared pushes up onto his elbows and looks down at Jensen, shrugging. “You’re the expert.”

Jensen laughs a little. “Is that the nice way of calling me a slut?”

Jared grins at him. “It’s the nice way of calling you experienced.”

“Fair enough. Okay, so … the … uh, easiest way to do this is if I’m behind you,” Jensen says. He pats Jared’s hip. “Lie on your side, ‘kay?”

Jared nods and rolls over, and Jensen pulls a condom out of his bedside table drawer and puts it on. Then he pours more lube into his hand and spreads it over his cock, and then lies down behind Jared. He moves in right against Jared’s back, but then he just pauses, and Jared looks back at him with a questioning frown. He’s anticipating having to convince Jensen one more time that he really does want this, but Jensen just shakes his head a little and kisses him, soft and warm and slow, and Jared melts into it. Jared can _feel_ how much Jensen loves him. Actually feel it, like a wave of energy. It heats him up and makes him shiver at the same time.

“I …” Jensen murmurs and then trails off.

“I know. Me too,” Jared tells him, even though he’s not completely sure what Jensen was going to say. It doesn’t matter.

Jensen keeps his forehead resting against Jared’s as he shifts a little more, and then his cock slides along Jared’s ass and presses at the entrance. He pushes in slowly, breaching Jared’s body, and it does hurt. Jared was expecting it, but it still does. He inhales sharply and all his muscles clench up, resisting the intrusion.

“Breathe,” Jensen whispers. “You gotta relax, baby. Gotta let me in.”

He reaches down and picks Jared’s cock up, stroking it and swiping his thumb through the mess of precome, and that helps. Jared makes himself take a couple deep breaths, the oxygen flowing to his muscles and letting them loosen a little, and then it doesn’t hurt so much. It just feels … full. A little too full maybe, but not entirely unpleasant.

“That’s it,” Jensen murmurs, pushing in a little bit further. “Just keep breathing, okay? I promise it gets better.”

He works himself in slowly, a little at a time, sliding out an inch and then back in. Jared doesn’t know how to feel about it except for completely overwhelmed. If he forces himself to relax, the pain mostly goes away, leaving behind a slight burn and a slight stretch, and Jensen’s hand on his cock feels good even if everything else doesn’t yet, and Jensen’s kissing him and he’s a hundred degrees pressed up against Jared’s back, and Jared’s head is spinning. It’s way too much all at once and he’s just glad Jensen’s here with him, because otherwise he’s not sure he’d be able to handle it all. The best part, though, is that this is happening and he’s okay with it. Jared was always so worried he wouldn’t be able to do this without dissolving into the fears and insecurities and shame that’s plagued the last eight years of his life. But now that it’s actually happening, none of those things seem important.

By the time Jared feels the swell of Jensen’s balls resting against his ass, it doesn’t hurt anymore. The burn has mostly faded and he just feels filled up and warm and _loved_ because when Jensen kisses him he pours his whole soul into it.

“You okay?” Jensen asks softly. He digs his thumb in just under the crown of Jared’s cock and he moans.

“Yeah. This, uh …” Jared chuckles a little. “This is actually happening.”

Jensen smiles – Jared can feel it where Jensen’s lips are pressed against his cheek. “Yeah. I love you.”

“You say that a lot.”

“Get used to it.”

“I am. You can move.”

Jensen nods and slowly drags his hips back and then forward again, starting up a gentle but steady rhythm that makes Jared smile. Jensen is so careful with him, and Jared probably doesn’t need him to be, but it makes him aware again of how much Jensen loves him. He keeps stroking Jared’s cock, matching his speed and twisting his wrist, and Jared moans again.

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Jared breathes. “Fuck.” He wasn’t sure, before, whether it would actually feel good to have Jensen’s cock inside him, but it does. Still a little strange, foreign, but something Jared could definitely get used to.

Jensen kisses the back of his neck, dragging his teeth over the muscle, and then he changes his angle just slightly and starts bumping into Jared’s prostate on every other thrust and Jared moans louder. His eyes fall closed as pleasure blooms all the way to his fingers and toes.

“Right there,” he manages to choke out, and Jensen drives his cock in harder against the spot that is easily Jared’s new favorite thing. His vision blurs out and his skin feels like it’s on fire and Jensen’s hand feels so good wrapped around him and it’s a mess of way too many sensations and Jared’s brain can’t figure out which one to focus on so it kind of pinballs back and forth between all of them.

Jensen nudges the back of Jared’s neck with his nose and Jared leans his head back again so Jensen can kiss him, deep and passionate and consuming. It’s like nothing matters anymore except this and them and Jared just loses himself in it. It’s ten minutes or maybe an hour or maybe an entire week, Jared doesn’t know or care because time is meaningless. By the time his orgasm starts building in his gut, his whole world has narrowed down to the feeling of Jensen buried deep inside him.

“Jensen,” he mumbles, and Jensen kisses him harder. He pushes his cock into Jared’s body and then leaves it there, the tip of it pressing insistently against Jared’s prostate, and strokes Jared’s cock furiously and Jared loses it. Pleasure overwhelms him, white-hot and intense, and he comes into Jensen’s hand with Jensen’s mouth still attached to his. Somewhere in the blur, Jared is vaguely aware of Jensen starting to move again, and even though his body feels like melted Jell-O he tries to clench around Jensen’s cock a little to make it better, and a minute later Jensen’s grunting and jerking and moaning Jared’s name as he comes.

For too long to track afterward, Jensen doesn’t move away and Jared just lies there in his arms and breathes and floats in the warmth and the pleasant way his skin is buzzing. Jensen’s breath is warm and moist against Jared’s lips and he’s surrounding Jared completely. For a moment, Jared feels like they aren’t even two separate people; like Jensen is the other half of his soul that Jared’s never knew it was missing.

“It’s gonna sting a little when I pull out, okay?” Jensen says eventually, his voice quiet and rough, and Jared nods.

It does sting when the thick head of his cock passes over Jared’s sensitive rim, but it’s gone as quickly as it came and then he goes back to relaxed and sated and content. Jensen sits up for a minute, rolling the condom off and tying a knot in it and tossing it toward the garbage can across the room. He misses and it hits the wall and then lands with a soft thump on the floor, and Jensen shakes his head and chuckles.

“Gross.”

Jared laughs too, partly because it’s funny, but mostly because he’s _happy._ Jensen lies back down, dragging the quilt up over them and pulling Jared back into his arms, into a horizontal hug. He kisses the tip of Jared’s nose, and then he rests his head on the pillow with his face close enough to Jared that he’s blurry.

“You good?”

“Yep,” Jared answers.

“No … uh …” Jensen hesitates, not finishing his sentence, and Jared has a good idea of what he thinks Jensen was about to say.

“Nope. I’m good. And we’re good, and that was _really_ good, and everything’s …”

“Good,” Jensen finishes, the smile on his face apparent in his voice.

“Awesome. Fantastic. Whatever other adjectives,” Jared says, repeating something Jensen said to him a hundred years ago after they first jerked each other off, that Jared had forgotten about until this moment.

“Next time we’re switching,” Jensen tells him. “No one should go through life not knowing what it feels like to stick your dick in something.”

Jared laughs, just a little at first and then for some reason Jensen’s words hit him again and he laughs harder, closing his eyes and snuggling in closer as he snickers almost uncontrollably. “That was beautiful. You should work for Hallmark.”

“Is there a high demand for greeting cards about dick sex?” Jensen asks, chuckling too, and that just makes Jared laugh even more. “It wasn’t _that_ funny! What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know. Guess I’m just … happy.”

“Oh. Well, that’s …”

“Good?” Jared suggests, and Jensen nods.

“It’s really, really good.”

____

  
_3 months later_

“I hate this place,” Jared groans, dropping his fork down onto the now clean dessert plate and leaning back in his chair. He tips his head back onto the top of it and closes his eyes. “I’m gonna get fat if you keep bringing me here.”

Jensen grins and puts his own fork down a little more gracefully. “It’s where we had our first date. I have to keep bringing you here. It’s like … I don’t know, meaningful. Or whatever.”

“Or you just like the cake.”

“I’m sorry, do you _not_ like the cake? ‘Cause I’m not sure we can be together anymore if you don’t.”

“Just promise you’ll still love me when I’m seven hundred million pounds.”

Jensen snorts. “I’m pretty sure you’d be dead. But sure. I promise. I’ll wear black all the time and visit your football-field-sized grave every day.”

Jared smiles, but doesn’t open his eyes. “You’re trying to kill me with sugar! I knew it. You’re evil.”

“Sexy, though.”

“Mm, definitely,” Jared agrees.

“Alright, c’mon. I should’ve been back at the garage like twenty minutes ago, and Chris is always way too fucking smug whenever I’m late. Always asks me if we fucked in the car.”

Jared scrunches up one eye so he can open the other one and peer at Jensen through it. “What do you tell him?”

“I tell him we tried once and ended up covered in bruises and are now in the market for a bigger car.”

Jared laughs, bright and beautiful and uninhibited, and it makes Jensen so happy when he does that. He’s come such a long way from the quiet, unsure, shy person he was when Jensen met him. “Damn. Now we’re actually gonna have to do it. Otherwise he’ll know you’re lying.”

“Buy a bigger car, you mean?”

“Or that.” Jared grins at him and then hauls himself up out of the sofa-chair. “Okay, go start the car. I gotta hit the head.”

He walks off in the direction of the restrooms and Jensen watches him go, unable to keep the smile off his face. He pulls his jacket on and pats his pockets to make sure he’s got his wallet and cell phone and keys, and then he walks out of the coffee shop and starts toward the next block where he parked. The sound of his name spoken in a soft, uncertain, female voice stops him dead in his tracks, because even though it’s been years, he knows that voice. He turns around slowly, hot and sticky dread pulsing through his veins, and sees his mother sitting at one of the tables on the restaurant’s small outdoor patio. For a moment, Jensen can’t breathe.

“It is you,” she says, eyes wide like she can’t believe it any more than Jensen can. “I barely recognized you. Lord, it’s been so long! Look at you, oh Jensen, you grew up so handsome. You look just like your father did when I met him.”

“Why are you here?” Jensen asks bluntly. It isn’t what he wanted to say, or even what he meant to say, but it’s what comes out.

She bristles just a little, but she answers, “I’m visiting Mackenzie while your father’s on his fishing trip. She’s in class right now, I’m just … killing some time.”

“Didn’t occur to you to give me a call, I guess,” Jensen mutters, mostly to himself, and he knows she heard him but he’s not surprised when she ignores the comment. Truthfully, he wouldn’t exactly have been happy to hear from her if she had called. He might not even have picked up the phone.

“Are you keeping well? Still living with Christian Kane?”

“Yeah. Things are good.”

“Are you still …” She trails off and drops her eyes, and Jensen rolls his.

“A homo?” he suggests obnoxiously.

“I don’t like that word,” she says quietly.

“Neither do I. And yeah, I am. It’s not something that’s gonna just go away someday, you know. This is who I am. For good.”

She nods, her brow furrowed, although she looks deep in thought as opposed to angry, and Jared chooses that minute to step out of the restaurant. He almost walks right past Jensen, heading for the car, but then he catches sight of them and stops.

“Oh. Hi. Uh, who’s this?” he asks, looking over at Donna in confusion.

“My mom,” Jensen says tightly.

“Oh.” Jared’s eyes widen after a moment, like he’s remembering something, and then he solemnly repeats, “Oh.”

“A friend of yours?” Donna asks.

“This is my boyfriend,” Jensen corrects. He stares hard at her, silently daring her to have a problem with it.

“Jared,” Jared says, reaching a hand out that she doesn’t immediately take. She eyes it for just a moment, and if she refuses to touch him Jensen might not be able to hold himself back from slugging her even if she is a woman and his mother, but then eventually she slides her perfectly manicured hand tentatively into Jared’s much bigger one and shakes it.

“Donna. Nice to meet you.”

“You too. Can I?” Jared gestures at the empty chair, and she looks hesitant but she nods. “I’ve got family in Richardson. Patty and Nick Wilson, they’re my aunt and uncle on my mom’s side.”

Donna looks a little like a deer caught in the headlights when she stutters, “I know Patty Wilson. She’s in my sewing circle.”

“No way! Small world. I’ll have to tell her I met you.”

“Does she …” She trails off and doesn’t finish the thought. Jensen knows she was about to ask if Jared’s aunt knows he’s gay, and he’s glad she didn’t. Also, he’s glad that his mom can see having somebody turn out gay doesn’t destroy families like she seems to think it will.

“You have an amazing son,” Jared tells her.

She falters for a moment. “… I do?”

It’s on the tip of Jensen’s tongue to tell him not to bother, but then Jared shuts them both up when he continues. “He’s the kindest, most generous, most wonderful person I’ve ever met in my whole life. Whatever you and Mr. Ackles did, you did it right.” Jared reaches over and takes Jensen’s hand, squeezing it briefly before letting go and turning back to a bug-eyed Donna.

“Oh.” She doesn’t look like she has the first clue how to respond to that, and Jensen can’t help smirking just a little. “That’s … really nice to hear, Jared. Thank you.”

“I’ve met Jensen’s sister, too. She’s great.”

Donna nods again, and then there’s this long, poignant silence before she says, “To be honest, you’re not what I was expecting.”

Jensen scoffs and something inside him breaks. Years of pent up anger and resentment and _hurt_ come pouring out of him as he growls, “Which was what, exactly? Some idiot prancing down the street yelling ‘fabulous’? In ass-less chaps and body glitter?”

“Jensen,” Jared says softly, but Jensen barrels on despite the pitifully sad look on his mother’s face and the fact that the people at the other tables are starting to stare.

“Something a little closer to what that damn church warns you to look out for, I bet,” he snaps. “Can never be too careful, just in case one of us is out on the prowl. You know shaking his hand means you’ve got AIDS now, right? Although if you can find yourself some holy water quick enough you might still have a chance, so maybe we should get outta your hair.”

She makes a small, sob-like noise and covers her mouth with her hand, and Jared gets slowly up out of the chair and moves to right in front of Jensen.

“Hey,” he murmurs gently, cupping Jensen’s face in his hands so Jensen has to look at him. “C’mon. It’s okay.”

Jensen’s still angry but the fire in his gut cools a little with Jared’s touch. He sighs, putting his hands on Jared’s chest and tipping forward so his forehead is resting against Jared’s cheek. He takes a deep, cleansing breath that smells like the deodorant Jared uses, and it calms him down.

“Sorry,” he mutters to Jared.

Jared brushes his thumb comfortingly across Jensen’s cheek and then he turns back to Donna, although he keeps his arm around Jensen’s shoulders. “It’s been a long day,” he offers as an explanation, even though it’s a lie.

“Can I ask you something that’s going to make my son angry?” Donna asks hesitantly.

“Sure.”

“When you met him, were you already …? I mean, he didn’t …”

“Turn me?” Jared finishes with a small smile.

“You’re just so young,” she says, like her heart is breaking for them.

“No ma’am, he didn’t,” Jared says, politely but firmly. “It doesn’t work that way. No one can force you or trick you into being gay. It’s just something that you are.”

She just bites her lip and doesn’t answer. And she was right, that does make Jensen angry – like she thinks he’s some kind of vampire, stalking around in the night looking for unsuspecting victims to infect – but he manages to keep his cool this time and ignore it.

“Are you happy?” he hears his mother’s voice ask, and when he looks up, her eyes are on him.

He nods. “We’re very happy.”

Jared smiles and rubs the top part of Jensen’s arm, and then he kisses the side of Jensen’s face.

Donna presses her lips together, but then she says, “Good. That’s good.”

Jensen doesn’t know what else to say that won’t end up in them fighting, so he just takes Jared’s hand, says, “It was good to see you, Mom,” and then starts to walk away.

He can feel Jared’s eyes on him as they walk, and Jensen blinks against the burning behind his eyes but he keeps looking deliberately forward. He’s not going to cry over this. He won’t give her the satisfaction. When they’re about fifteen steps away, though, he hears her voice calling his name again. Jensen stops, really not wanting to go back there, but he knows he can’t just pretend he didn’t hear her.

“Hey,” Jared says again, and when Jensen looks at him, Jared leans down and kisses him gently on the lips. “I love you.”

Jensen nods and squeezes Jared’s hand again before he lets go of it and makes his way reluctantly back to his mother. “Yeah?” he asks, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably.

She doesn’t answer for a moment. She’s staring off into the distance at Jared, and Jensen knows she saw them kiss and can almost see it replaying like a movie in the reflections in her eyes.

“I’ve really missed you,” she says eventually.

“Yeah. Well that’s what happens when you kick your teenage son out of the house and tell him to never come back. You don’t get to see him anymore.”

“I know.” She sighs and gestures toward Jared. “I don’t understand … this.”

Jensen huffs through his nose. He really shouldn’t have come back. “Believe me, I got that.”

“No.” She shakes her head and finally turns her gaze to him, a beseeching look in her eyes. “Please don’t be hostile with me, I’m trying to … what I meant is that, it isn’t that I don’t love you. And it isn’t that I don’t want you to be happy. I just don’t … understand. I really don’t. But maybe I could. If you could just try to – be patient with me. Explain it to me instead of just getting mad.”

“You threw me out of my _home_. When I was eighteen. If Chris hadn’t come along and taken me in, I probably would’ve died. I would’ve lived on the streets and sold drugs for money and probably starved to death in a gutter somewhere.”

“We made a mistake,” she says, blinking back tears.

“Then why didn’t you ever call me?”

“I kept expecting you to come home. For the longest time, Pastor Franklin told me to pray for you to change your ways and come back to us and I thought if I prayed hard enough, one day you would. And then when you never did, I knew how horribly we’d hurt you. Please, Jensen. I know you’re angry. But please, try to meet me halfway, here?”

“What is there to explain?” Jensen asks flatly. “I love him, Mom. I love him the way you love Dad. And before you say it, yeah, it is the same. The body parts are different but the emotions are exactly the same. And Pastor Franklin doesn’t know shit. You can’t change being gay like you can change a shirt. I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand.”

“Because … because it’s not something people like me are confronted with very often. We were in shock, Jensen. Because your father and I have both spent our whole lives being told it’s a sin. I can’t just erase all those years in the blink of an eye. If I told you, right now, that murdering someone is okay, you wouldn’t be able to change your mind about it just like that.”

“You’re comparing being gay to murder.”

“No, I’m not. I’m drawing a parallel so you’ll see why it was hard for us. But I miss you. We both miss you. You’re our little boy. I just … maybe he could come over? Your – Jared. For dinner. We could … talk? Try to fix this?”

Jensen wants to say no. He wants to tell her he’s never going to speak to her again. But he can’t. Because it would be a lie. He’s still angry and hurt, but they’re his parents. All he’s ever wanted is for them to love him, and even though he always played it off like he didn’t care, it killed him to think they didn’t. “You gotta talk to Dad first,” he says heavily. “And that’s a deal-breaker. I want a phone call. From _him_. Saying he’s okay with this, that he wants to try. I get that this is difficult for you but I’m not gonna bring Jared over if all Dad’s gonna do is yell at him. He doesn’t deserve that. And I can’t make you accept us but I deserve you at least being civil about it.”

She nods solemnly. “I can’t promise anything. But I’ll try.”

For another minute or so, Jensen doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t either. Then he glances behind himself, and finds Jared smiling at him from where he’s still standing halfway down the sidewalk. Jensen remembers the first time he ever saw that smile. He sees it every day now, but it still makes him feel way more amazing things than something as simple as a smile should be able to. In his head, Jensen can hear Jared’s voice – his goofy, beautiful, sweet, loving Jared – urging him to forgive his mother, even if she maybe doesn’t deserve it. _You’re family_ , Jared would say, and Jared knows better than anyone what that means. If he can forgive his parents for everything that happened to him, Jensen should be able to do the same. So Jensen turns back and does something he hasn’t done in seven years – he hugs his mom.

She exhales shakily but wraps her arms around him too, and for just a moment, Jensen’s six years old again, with a scraped knee from falling off his bike and tears on his face and a big, warm hug from his momma the only thing that could make the sun shine again.

“Call me, okay? Even if Dad won’t,” he says as he pulls away, and she reaches out and briefly cups his cheek in her hand.

“I will. I promise.”

By the time Jensen gets back to Jared there are real tears on his face, and Jared frowns but Jensen just takes his hand and pulls him to the end of the block so they can duck behind a building where Donna won’t be able to see them.

“Jen?” Jared asks, all sweetly concerned, and Jensen shakes his head and laughs a little, wiping the wetness off his face with the heels of his palms.

“God, she’s a bitch,” he mumbles.

“What did she say?”

“She wants to try to fix things between us.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?” Jared’s forehead is crinkled adorably in confusion.

Jensen nods, emotions buzzing so close to the surface he’s surprised they aren’t oozing out of his pores. “Sort of. What she _really_ wants is for me to come home with a pretty girl on my arm and say being gay was just a phase and that the Lord has made me see the light.”

“Change takes time,” Jared says gently. “I know they hurt you. And I know it isn’t fair, but it’s reality, you know? Being willing to make an effort is probably a really big step for her.”

“I think she liked you,” Jensen whispers in astonishment. “I don’t think she _wanted_ to, but … this is a woman who would happily stand on the Whitehouse steps with a sign that says _God hates fags_ if that fucking cult of a church told her to, and you made her like you. I never thought I’d ever see her again, and now … you … God, you’re amazing.”

Jared still looks a little confused and a little worried but he smiles cautiously, and Jensen’s completely confused too. Part of him is happy and part of him is still angry and it’s all a jumbled up mess. He’s glad Jared’s here with him.

“I just hugged my mom,” he says. He still can’t quite believe it.

“Yeah. You did.” Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s back, pulling him in close. Jensen hugs him back desperately, sliding his arms around Jared’s neck and clinging to him and hiding his face against Jared’s shoulder. He inhales his scent again, and it smells like home. “And you stood up for yourself. I was proud of you.”

“You were?”

“Definitely. It’s really hard to stand up to your parents. Are you gonna see them again?” Jared asks.

“Yeah,” Jensen whispers. He still feels like he can’t breathe.

“Can I come with you?”

“Yes.” Jensen looks up into Jared’s eyes but doesn’t let go of him or let him move away. He wants as little space between them as possible right now. “You have to. If they want me they’re gonna have to be okay with getting you too.”

“We’re a two-for-one deal, are we?”

Jensen moves one hand to Jared’s cheek, pulling his face down so he can kiss him. Some people pass by them behind Jared, and one of them scoffs in distain but the other one, a woman, mutters, “Leave them alone.” A couple months ago, Jensen would probably have kicked the guy’s ass. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s gotten into a fight with someone who didn’t approve of his _lifestyle_ , and thought it was their business to get in his face about it. But right now, Jensen doesn’t care at all.

“Move in with me,” he says.

For a second, Jensen thinks Jared didn’t hear him. Then he pulls back just a little and frowns down at Jensen. “What?”

“I wasn’t gonna do this now. I wanted to make it … I don’t know, special, I guess. But I’m not very good at being patient.”

“What about Chris?”

“He proposed to Danni. He’s leaving, they’re getting a house together.” Jensen grins. “Or, well, I guess probably _she’s_ buying some ridiculous mansion and Chris is gonna be a trophy husband. Which he seems to be surprisingly okay with.”

Jared’s eyes widen, darting quickly back and forth between Jensen’s. “You sure about this?”

“I’m sure about _you_. Everything else we can figure out. It won’t be right away, either. I mean, it’ll probably be at least a month before they can find a place and get Chris moved into it. But I just … I don’t wanna be in that place alone, you know? And I don’t wanna be anywhere without you.”

Jared still takes a moment to consider it, and Jensen can almost see the wheels turning in his head, but then he nods. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Absolutely. But, just so you know, I’m kinda messy. And I take really long showers.”

Jensen smiles, tugging on Jared’s hair until his face is close enough to Jensen’s that he’s blurry. “I feel like that’s something we can get past. Especially since I really, really, really love you,” he whispers against Jared’s lips.

Jared kisses him again and says, “I really, really, really love you back.”

_“How do you spell ‘love’?” asked Piglet. “You don’t spell it. You feel it,” answered Pooh. – A.A. Milne_


End file.
